Me, Myself, and They

They passed a law banning table salt at all restaurants in New York State. Whats next, Lauren Conrad writing a best-seller?*

How am I ever supposed to Friendly's anymore? You really expect me to eat those fries without salt? And what about all those 4th graders who put weird stuff in people's drinks and "double dog dare" them to drink it? Salt is a crucial element of that concoction.

I don't get why "they" get to decide everything all the time. They really have no idea what they're doing half the time. And they're mad rich and powerful.

People who have more Power than "They"
1. JD's associates
2. Preston Blake
3. That Sanjaya dude from American Idol
4. The Baja Men

I've been in the big Flo-daddy the past few days. It's pretty hot down here. That girl that sings with Nelly would probably want to take her clothes off.

I'm listening to a song by Matt Nathanson right now. Not really by choice. It just came up on my itunes. And like, I didn't really realize I was listening to the song until like halfway through the song. That ever happen to you? It happens to me all the time. Sometimes i'll listen to a whole song and not even know i'm listening to it. It's such a weird concept. Though I guess it balances out my itunes. Like, there's no way i've voluntary listened to "Bulls on Parade" by Rage Against the Machine 6 times. Yet itunes tells me I have.

Why do I even have Bulls on Parade, you may ask? Well, it's kind of like half the furniture in that room in your house that nobody ever goes in. Its there for decoration. And even though its never used, its still part of the house. If it was gone, someone would notice. Six months later, that is.

Why does everyone hate on Justin Bieber? I don't get it. What did he ever do to you? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. All he did was create about 6 average/slightly above average songs. It's not like he went to your house and stunk up the toilet. Geez Louise.

Oh, my bad Louise. She hates when I say that.

I decided today that I was going to end my relationship with hotel swimming pools. We're done. Finished.Not for any reason in particular. It's just not doing it for me anymore, you know? The spark is gone. No longer will I fling myself into a resort swimming pool as if it were my girlfriend of 3 years who I haven't seen since the summer. The pool and I no longer have that flaming passion between us. Every time we see each other, all we do is argue. She starts nagging me about how I never want to do anything anymore. She never lets me relax. All I want to do is just sit down in a chair and gather myself. We don't always have to be doing something, honey. And by the way. It's really hot. She never lets me sit in the shade. And I ALWAYS have to be reading a book. Why can't she ever give me anything interesting to read? John Adams was a cool dude, but there's no way im going to read 700 pages about who he invited to his dinner parties.

This doesn't really apply anymore now that i'm in college, but I used to have to be very careful about what snack food's I liked. For instance, if I mentioned in passing that I thought Nature Valley granola bars were "pretty good," my mom would sprint to the nature valley headquarters and come back with three trucks worth of the stuff. The 34 times were fine, but once I hit the 35th consecutive day of having a nature valley in my lunch bag, it became a real struggle. Thing is, I didn't want to throw it out. I hate people that never ate half of the things they had for lunch. Though I guess all of them had a career path set for them at that point--owners of the Cheesecake Factory.

I'm organizing a nationwide boycott of Progressive car insurance until they change their commercials. Who's with me?

In other news, there was some big oil spill somewhere. I don't really know much about it, all I know is that it was huge.

I know it's terrible, but I just really don't care about political stuff. At all. Maybe i'm just really selfish callous, and some other self-deprecating word that I can't think of, but it has absolutely no effect on me. And when it does, it's not like I can do anything to change it. Yea, I can lobby, I can be a politician. But I'd rather be doing other things with my time. Like, blogging about I don't have time to lobby, for instance. Plus, all politicians are immoral. That conniving guy in a suit with the dark glasses and slicked back hair always puts stuff in their drinks. Immoral stuff.

Oh well. I guess the only thing I can do is turn into one of those "down with society" people.

Thing is, apathy is happathy. And that rhymes. Busta.



song of the day:

Backstreet Boys: We've got it goin on

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVQgPRmX_J4

*It's funny because Lauren Conrad actually wrote a best-seller

There are times when you have to live life like a 32 year old pitcher coming off surgery.

That 95 mph fastball may have worked wonders for you in the past, but its just not gonna get the job done anymore. Things have changed.

You need to adapt. You need a new pitch.

It's tough for you to make the switch, because you view it as a change in identity. You prided yourself on throwing that good old fashioned heater.

Sometimes in life, the worst possible thing you can do is to hold onto something that just isn't right for you. Like the fastball. Yea, it has sentimental value. But that sentimental value is going to cause you to throw your arm out. Boom. Season over.

Learn a curve ball. Master your craft in a different way. Because if you don't, you are going to be forced into an early retirement. Plus, the critics won't waste any time fawning over the "coulda shoulda woulda's" of your career. 

But if you do, you may just happen to find that your best years are still ahead of you.

_______________________

Facebook chat convo of the day:

Friend: just had to wake dad up
Friend: to kill a huge ass spider in my room
Me: It had a huge ass?

Song of the day:

3OH!3: Touchin on My

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bw8NSBttYz4

Wahoo-wawa, Part II

Disclaimer: Read the previous post if you haven't already. Otherwise, you'll be more L O S T than the greatest TV show ever created.

Sorry, Lopez Tonight. I know you thought you had that award all locked up, but I guess the voters had a change of heart at the last minute.

___________

I left off making jokes about bacon grease and timeless disney warthogs, so we'll pick it up from thurr.

The Boars Head inn isn't an ordinary take-the-elevator-up to-your-room-and-crash-on-the-super-soft-and-fluffy-king-size-bed kind of gig. Its more like a really really really (did I say really?) classy motel.

When we finally drive over to the roomski, we discover that it is above sea level....barely.

Our room was in the basement of the place. We had window with a view of ground dirt and dead grass, but the other half of the room was fo sho underground. It was like a little mini cave. How charming.

Joking aside, the room was definitely of fancy shmancy hotel quality. You know a hotel means business when the bed posts have some really strange design on them and extend about 10 feet higher than they need to. I've learned that practicality is often ignored in aristocratville.

Anywho (yes, I actually just seriously used the word "anywho"), mom sauce was extremely displeased with our cellar dwelling. Apparently it was disrespectful of them. Maybe it was, but i'm pretty sure the hotel people weren't thinking that when they placed us in a room that looked exactly the same as every other room except for the fact that it was on the bottom level. But then again, I digress.

According to heavy D on the set, our room placement was such "because we're Jewish."

Jews being put in basements against their will. Never heard that one before.

Displaying all of the signs of the incredible hulk (other than the rapidly expanding green monster part), my mom was outraged. She decided to call up the hotel desk and demand a room change. And when I say demand, I mean she talked to them in that really nice mom way about how we were "unhappy." Its called "Mom Yelling." If I converted her attitude into "Dad", everyone in the vicinity would probably frantically start searching for the mute button so that their ears remained intact.

Needless to say, we were granted the room change. The new room was now on the top floor. The penthouse. This way, we could look down on all the serfs from our stately manor. Pass me the caviar.

By the way, there was absolutely no difference between the two rooms except for the fact that it would be slightly more convenient to train for a marathon in the new location. Blame it on the a-aa-a--a-al-titude

It was now 6:45, our reservation was at 7, the place was 20 minutes away, and we hadn't even started to get ready yet. I think we've gotten Kanye beat when it comes to "Late Registration." By a longshot.

Being that the place was all classy and overly snobbish, we had to dress up. And when I say dress up, I don't mean Barbie dolls. I'm talking about full out american girl style. The real deal.

I repped the Loafer/Khaki/Dress shirt/sport jacket look. Model agencies wish they were there.

Seriously, I could have passed for a southern plantation owner. The outfit was pretty spectacular, but the real kicker was my hair. Fresh outta the shower, I was rockin the flow to the max. Nate Archibald would have crumbled under my presence. In fact, the first thing my brother said to me when we picked him up five minutes later was, "wow, great flow on that hair. I gotta get me some of that" Mind you, I haven't seen him in three months.

I decided to temporarily change my name to L. Ryan Pauker for the occasion. Southern enough, don't you think? Now all I needed was an equestrian stable and a friend who deals moonshine.

After a car ride during which--despite all of us passing math---3 out for the 4 smallest members of our family sat in the rather cramped backseat, we arrived at the restaurant. If you could call it that. It was more like Draco Malfoys house if it served food.

We were chauffered to a grand entrance antechamber with more chintz couches than an 1800's Jane Austen Novel, and then to this dining hall that could have passed for a scene in an Oscar Wilde play. Amidst the ten or so immaculately furnished tables, there were numerous purposely positioned paintings and accessories--none of which added relevant ambiance to the setting. To top it all off, the room was elevated on some sort of balcony, overlooking some really nice landscape that was probably once owned by Jefferson Davis.

Things to note about the dinner:

-The waitress had to pretend to be all proper. However, it was clear that as soon as the place closed down, she was going straight to the bars to get hammered and let the night take her away to...okay i'll stop now.

-We ate with our good family friends, the Schnittgers. Mr. Doug is graduating with my brother. As always, he provided some excellent verbal exchanges throughout the meal, and did not hesitate to criticize the food.

-Everyone got champagne, so the waitress figured i wanted some as well. However, she decided to card us young folk. Me, not having a substantial ID, would've had to do that really embarassing thing where I have to explain that i'm not 21. Somewhat smartly, I claim to not have my wallet. She gives me this look like "I hate myself for having to card you because I started drinking at age 12", and then I save whatever her wistful response was going to be by interjecting that it was ok and that I didn't need champagne.

Logic says any normal person would be full after a four course meal. Logic needs to have a conversation with the elitist snobs over at that restaurant.

Despite being a gazillion times more expensive than a McChicken and a Mcdonalds cheeseburger, those somewhat edible concoctions would have filled me up more than that meal. It was pathetic. The Halibut I ordered was the size of my fist. And in case you didn't know, my hands are unnaturally small.

It really pissses me off that fancy shmancy restaurants think they can get away with forgetting to serve 75% of the meal. Who do they think they are? Honestly. If that's what you have to do in elitist society, I'd rather be a janitor. There's no doubt it'd be more well fed. I mean, haven't they ever seen this commercial?

It really was exactly like that. Elf food might even be an understatement.

By the way, I really want to go on that date sometime. Minus the $300 bill from the hillary swank spectacular.

As we all know, the best way to fight off a full stomach is by drinking alcohol. So NATURALLY, thats exactly what I did.

I stayed at my brothers place for the night. In retrospect it probably saved the weekend. Being with the rents for 15 consecutive hours at a time is kind of like spending an extended weekend with that really really annoying kid you once had to babysit.

Nobody was actually back at the apartment other than this kid who called himself "Charlie Tuna," so we pregamed a bit and listened to Tuna talk about how he once went to space camp when he was like 10 years old. Imagining the manifest of an astronaut list with someone named "Charlie Tuna" was just about as hilarious as that shirt Aldous Snow had to wear to dinner in forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Take my eyes, but not the shirt.

A few Gins later, I was starting to feel it. Which was good, because I wanted to be decently drunk when Oaf and I pulled the old fashioned Harvey Dent to sneak into the bar. Going to the bars with graduating seniors who don't even go to my school. I was about to be so cool.

Or not. Turns out the bars weren't any good, so everyone crashed back at my brothers apartment. Clowns with names such as "Big Daddy Chi, Patches, Mildew, and Smegma all filtered in. Oh, I almost forgot about the identical twins, Chutes and Ladders.

Discouragement of sobreity galore, Fifa on one TV, Mets fans obnoxiously yelling at the other TV, and the one really really drunk kid, the scene was about as collegely fratacular as you could get. There was even the disproportionate amount of girls in attendance. Just like in any male college setting, one was dating someone there, while the other two were friends of the girl and would definitely not be there if it wasn't for the girlfriend girl because they haven't made a strong enough connection with the housemates yet. Or maybe they passed that barrier. I couldn't really tell. The gin was gettin me all sleepy.

Of course, this festival of collegiateness" would not be complete without drunk food, so we ventured over to get...yep...pizza.

Grand total was seventeen bills.

"And I could get Pizza, TWO dollars a slice."

Geez Asher, adjust your song for inflation.

_______________________________-

Song of the day: Acoustic Alchemy, norwegian recycling. music video is self-created. It is of nolan's graduation. enjoy

Wahoo-wawa

Usually, I hate doing chronicles of days. Being overshadowed Narnia, Riddick, and Sarah Connor is inevitable.

With that in mind, lets throw some May, 21st, 2010 action at ya. Family trip time. Woot woot. Not quite Johnson family vacation status, but pretty high up on the "It's funny because I could relate to that because my family does the EXACT same thing" scale.*

If you don't currently own one of those scales, I suggest you buy one. They sell them at "Party Hardy." They come in a pack along with that pointless glitterry star stuff that always finds its way to the floor at six year old birthday parties.

Chronicles of the Pauker von Thatched Ponds


Starring: 
-The Droadster, big D, D mac daddy, Heavy D (Father. His real name is Marty. Don't ask.)
-Manny (sister. real name is nothing close to manny. again, don't ask)
-Oaf, Npdarat, Nols Farha (broski. real name, nolan. at least half the names are close)
-Mom (everytime we gave her nickname, she claimed it was "insulting")

Supporting cast:
-That guy at the bagel store who is always there and you think he lives there, waitress who is dressed way too classy for her actual classiness level, big shot CEO's at the table next to us who might not actually be a big shots at all and are just bluffing their wealth to the attractive girls they are wining and dining, slurpy mcslurp dude at the check-in counter, Doug and his fillial entourage, non-sober frataculars
_____________________________________________________

My broski is graduated this weekend. He's all grown up. Such a big boy.

Anyways, my family and I had to make the immaculate trek from Smithtown New York to Charlottesville Virginia so that we could attend this momentous occasion. Being that none of my family are accomplished wizards, apparation, floo powder, and portkeys were out of the question. Lose-gardium leviosa on that one.

Yep, we drove. Being that we had a dinner reservation at 7, we had to leave kind of on the earlier side.  Like, 8 am early. Almost like were back in high school. All I need is a locker, some unwarranted drama, vending machines that exclusively sell snapple iced tea, and a teacher who smokes more weed than the students. do the stanky leg.

I wake up at 8:09 am. Obviously, nobody is even close to departure mode. Heavy D is psuedo yelling at everyone, being all like "lets move it people." Meanwhile, he isn't even close to ready himself, all decked out in outdated sweatpants and a sweatsuit that looked like he was back in 1984. I think he's forgotten to buy clothes for 30 years straight. Gotta save money somehow. Especially "in this economy."

Shenanagans ensue at the house. Me Moms insists that we empty all the garbages out, fold up some table in the den that clearly doesn't need folding and is only being folded up because we aren't gonna be home for three whole days. The fun doesn't stop there. Acts II and III feature wiping down the kitchen, engaging a whole slew of other windex related activities, and bringing up the "Waughtah's." (New York for Water)
Meanwhile, the droadster is in full "i'm a dad so i have to be on top of things" mode. In other words he's standing in the hallway telling me to do this, telling manny to do that, and does nothing himself.

We pack the car. We mess up. We pack the car again. We squeeze in that last pointless bag that we most likely aren't going to even end up using. By the time we pull out of the driveway, it is 9:24 am. Almost 90 whole minutes past scheduled departure. The Late Late show. I metaphorically call up Jimmy Fallon.

After we hit up the smithtown bagel store and make the first of three starbucks stops, we're off on the road. We pop in the one CD I made for the car ride. Good news was that the critics gave my musical selection rave reviews, as confirmed from the regular chorus of "Ooh Lancey! Goood Pick!!" from momsies. Bad news was that when the CD was doneski, we were still on Long Island. 7 more hours to go. Nice. Everybody danse on THAT drug.

Highlights from the car ride:

-People get progressively less tan as you move away from Long Island
-Droad doesn't believe in technology. He also recycles the same jokes over and over again. We left late. We get it. The first three jokes were enough.
-I'm not sure what age it is where you suddenly become obsessed with traffic patterns, but I hope its not soon
-OK! magazine is the most overpriced excuse of a publication ever. Only one page of Justin Bieber?! Pur-leease
-My parents asked me about my blog, as they don't really read it (which is probably a good thing). Droad, clueless as usual despite thinking he knows everything, claims it to be "A diary/journal."

I suddenly became horrified. I mean, some of my posts are all "I have feelings," but i'm not here to provide you sappy tales of failed romances. Manny fresh. saves the day by explaining how it is not in fact a journal, but is instead a nonsensical rant of raging hilarity and idiocy. Sounds about right.

After what seems like longer than Ronalidinho and Sarah Jessica Parker's faces combined, we finally arrive at the hotel. Although the place is called "The Boars Head in," I am extremely disappointed to find that there is nobody there with a deeply assuring voice telling me to buy ham. Awful. Instead we are greeting by this 23 year old wannabe southern gentlemen at the reception desk, clearly overplaying the twang on his accent in attempt to sound more proper. Fail.

I hate that phrase. Fail. Its worse than wearing a suit on a really really hot day. Absolutely unbearable.

Anyways, other than the fact that they forgot the Civil War was over, the hotel was pretty stellar

Finally, we arrive at the roomski. To say that certain family members were displeased with the setup would be.......accurate. You probably thought I was gonna say "an understatement" right there. Gotcha.

Our stay at the Boars Head was about to get hog wild. Pumba style.

_____________________________

I'm gonna pull some 1800's book publishing moves on you and leave ya hanging. Part two of this story will be published shortly.

song of the day:

The first cut is the deepest, Sheryl Crow. pure terrificness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBcAW63YWyk



Plus, this bonus snipe from T swift.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcUiuc49LAU&feature=related

Tingling. Are those my spidey senses?

I was in one of those weird moods for most of today. I don't really know why. Well, thats a lie. I know exactly why.

I tend to confuse myself over things that are probably kind of trivial in the long run. But then again, what is the long run? It's now, isn't it? Doesn't the short run compile itself into a series of little mini races, thereby creating that longish runnish thingy? You know Sergio?

Watevs. I guess you gotta bring it every race. If you think about it, the short run shapes the long run. So if you smoke, you might get tired.

I think I'm just caught up in the past. Or the present. I'm not even sure what the past is half the time. Is it like, really recent? Or is it more like the faraway land where we used to read about Dr. Seuss books and wrote in cursive.

Ooh! Ooh! I want to read the Lorax!

Cursive. Hah. Thats about as useful as a poopy flavored lollipop*

Patches O' Houlihan.

Anyways, I decided to channel all this confusion of mine into making this slightly emo video. The song is called "Hands Down Fireflies, Kiss Me Forever" by Mashup Germany. Enjoy.

***That entire post made perfect sense.

p.s: The other day, I had a conversation with a dog. on facebook.

other p.s: Shoutout to Amy Sullivan for her devoted fanship of this website. Props to manny for bringing in the recruits.

This Kid Is the Real Deal. Challah Back.

You know that feeling when you discover a really, really, good song for the first time?

All of a sudden, your heart inexplicably feels 5000 pounds lighter. Your head starts spinning circles of utter ecstasy. Your ears dilate a gazillion times to fully absorb the pleasures of a three minute long eargasm. For some unfathomable reason, you can't stop smiling. Within a matter of days, the song skyrockets to your iTunes top 25. And considering the fact that your library is larger than the Backsteet Boy's life, thats a pretty monumental accomplishment.

You know that feeling, right? Good. Now, imagine that same irresistible sensation over an entire album. Better, yet an entire discography.

Enter DJ Jewboy. In just three years, the Chicago native has already taken the mashup world by storm. And don't tell Hurricane Chris, but this storm might topple him over. And if not him, most definitely that baby in the beginning. A bay bay.

So, who exactly is this legend in the making? Lets meet him.

"So first off, I’m Andrew, I’m 18 and from Chicago, IL.  I’ll be attending the University of Wisconsin-Madison in the fall."

Upon first hearing that the man who had the audacity to mix together Taylor Swift and Kanye in the SAME SONG, I was shocked that he was still in high school. If mashing was a sport, theres no question he'd be as dominant as LeBron in that St. Vincents St. Marys Jersey. His talent is just downright unfair. 

We all know Girltalk. He is awesome. We all know Super Mash Bros. They are even more awesome. Soon, we will all also know Jewboy. 

However, just like the Mash Bros, Andrew doesn't necessarily want to be subjectively compared to the titans of mashing, as he feels he has developed an innovative style unique to anything else in the industry. 

"if someone came up to me and told me “Wow, your music sounds so much like Girl Talk,” or “You sound so similar to Super Mash Bros,” I would take that as the best compliment anyone could give me.  Now, at the same time, I feel I differ from those two because of the song choices I use.  Super Mash Bros use a lot of dance-beat, shake-yo-ass jams while Girl Talk’s stuff tends to be more melodic and smooth.  I think I take songs from all over the spectrum, whether it’s Top 40, classic rock, or TV/video game theme songs.  On my album “Boy vs. Goy” with DJ BAHLER, I sample the Seinfeld Theme Song and on my newest mashup, “The Rise of Dank-enstein,” I sample a Wale track with the Tetris theme song.  I don’t know many mashup artists that are utilizing some of the most recognizable music out there."

This mashing phenom seemingly gets better and better and better with every release. His latest song featured on his website (http://www.wix.com/DJJewboy/Dj-Jewboy)" samples everything from Biz Markies cult classic "Just a Friend" to everyones favorite emo jam, Dashboard Confessional's "Hands Down." Throw in some Jesse McCartney, and yes, we all have a Beautiful Soul. 

"I think that the most important thing is to experiment.  Your mashups won’t sound good at first.  You gotta take little steps.  I started off on Audacity making shitty mixes, then made good ones, moved to Sony Acid, made shitty ones, then made sick ones, and now I’m learning Ableton and struggling haha."  

I'm not sure if "struggling" is the right term here. More like, "damn, it feels good to be a gangsta."

On June 4th, DJ Jewboy will be releasing his next album, cleverly titled "Chrome Kippur." Needless to say, i'm pumped. 

“Chrome Kippur is the best stuff I have ever made.  It will knock your socks off”

I'll probably be wearing sandals being that its summer, but I might have to rock the socks and sandals for the occasion. If theres anything that could pull off this immaculate maneuver, its this man's music. 

“It’s a statement album.  It says “DJ JewBoy is legit.  Don’t believe me?  Listen to this.”  It’s 41 minutes of eargasm after eargasm.  Chrome Kippur is a fun listening experience.  Have you ever listened to an album that you just get lost in?  This is that, except with mashups.  I’m hoping this is the one that finally puts me over the top.”

Boom goes the dynamite. 

With albums such as "Keepin it Is-Real" and "Gin and Jews," Jewboy hasn't been afraid to express his cultural identity. Although Judaism is an integral part of Jewboy's image (hence the name), it is by no means overpowering.

"I love being Jewish and am proud to be Jewish.  However, even though my mashup name is “DJ JewBoy,”I don’t want my Judaism to define the stuff that I make.  I’d like it to be a factor, but I don’t want it to overwhelm potential fans, if you get what I’m saying.  Yes, I could take the annoying Tim Tebow approach and force religion down your throat, but I’m not like that, and I’m certainly not that religious.  I like to use the Judaism as a subtle factor that people can chuckle at."

What I like best about Andrew is that he is driven by pure, undiluted passion. He is not chasing the big bucks,   crowds of screaming fans, or even interviews with famed personalities such as myself (joke). Andrew is simply chasing his dream. His passion. His own little Horah.

"I love music and everyone who makes it and my mashups are an expression of that love.  I’m not trying to get the large corporations.  I don’t make any money off of my mashups and I don’t plan on it.  Ideally, I would like to be able to mash without fear of being sued.  I’m going to college next year and would really like to keep that money in the account."

Above all, Andrew clearly has his musical priorities in order. When asked whether he would rather meet present day Justin Bieber or the 1999 version of Aaron Carter, his answer was pure gold. I mean, gelt. 

"This is no contest:  1999 Aaron Carter.  Are you serious?  Through Aaron I’d get to meet Nick Carter, and through him, the rest of the Backstreet Boys.  While I never was a fan, they certainly were a critical musical icon during the 1990’s.  And “Aaron's Party (Come Get It)” is truly a fun song to listen to.  I liked it when I was nine, (and still secretly like it now)."

Not checking out Chrome Kippur would probably be as smart as using fire-proof matches. Plus, theres even a party. Hava Nagila. 

"Everyone is invited to the online release of Chrome Kippur on June 4^th!  It’s a facebook event and isn’t technically a real party, but up until that Friday, I will announce any information about the new album there.  Here’s the link: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=107053819338985."

Said Andrew, "This blog is the definition of awesome sauce.  And you can quote me on that."

Damn Straight I will. Though you are the real awesome sauce. 

I think I found the Afikomen. Challah back. 

__________________________________

For the exclusive interview, see previous post

Song of the day:  Smegmalator's Unite: DJ Jewboy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-CHF-kXQUvQ

EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH DJ JEWBOY. YEEAAA.

1. How did you start mashing? How did you feel after making your first ever mashup?

So first off, I’m Andrew, I’m 18 and from Chicago, IL.  I’ll be attending the University of Wisconsin-Madison in the fall.

So I hadn’t heard of Girl Talk until my 2007 summer.  My friend Max and I were cabin mates at the camp I attend in Northern Wisconsin, and he plugged it in and my mind was blown.  I didn’t know exactly what it was and my brain couldn’t quite categorize it.  It was the sampling of music that I’m used to, but in a continuous, seamless, practically flawless format, unlike anything I’ve ever heard in my entire life. 

After my first mashup, I thought that mashup making wasn’t right for me.  Let’s be honest: you wouldn’t felt that way too if your program was Audacity and you mixed “Roll To Me” by Del Amitri with Daft Punk’s “Technologic.”  Apologies to anyone who’s ever made that mashup.  But not really.  Bad idea.  It’s annoying and whiney.

2. Who are your influences/do you model your music after any specific artist/artists?

I like to think I’ve developed my own particular style, but if someone came up to me and told me “Wow, your music sounds so much like Girl Talk,” or “You sound so similar to Super Mash Bros,” I would take that as the best compliment anyone could give me.  Now, at the same time, I feel I differ from those two because of the song choices I use.  Super Mash Bros use a lot of dance-beat, shake-yo-ass jams while Girl Talk’s stuff tends to be more melodic and smooth.  I think I take songs from all over the spectrum, whether it’s Top 40, classic rock, or TV/video game theme songs.  On my album “Boy vs. Goy” with DJ BAHLER, I sample the Seinfeld Theme Song and on my newest mashup, “The Rise of Dank-enstein,” I sample a Wale track with the Tetris theme song.  I don’t know many mashup artists that are utilizing some of the most recognizable music out there.

3. When you make a mashup, what is the number one thing you keep in mind in terms of song selection?

My first step is to see if the given song is catchy.  It doesn’t matter to me if the song was a hit, will be a hit, or has never been a hit.  If it’s catchy, it will mix well.  Well, provided it doesn’t have its own drum beat in the background.  If the song is catchy and isn’t supported by a thick drum line, I can mix it with almost anything.  It doesn’t matter to me if the song is by the Rolling Stones or by Politically Correct Grilled Cheese, (the band could be virtually unknown, but if they’re song sticks with me, then it qualifies for a DJ JewBoy mashup).

4. How integral do you feel Judaism is to your image as an artist? 

I love being Jewish and am proud to be Jewish.  However, even though my mashup name is “DJ JewBoy,” I don’t want my Judaism to define the stuff that I make.  I’d like it to be a factor, but I don’t want it to overwhelm potential fans, if you get what I’m saying.  Yes, I could take the annoying Tim Tebow approach and force religion down your throat, but I’m not like that, and I’m certainly not that religious.  I like to use the Judaism as a subtle factor that people can chuckle at.  In Chrome Kippur, I sample a song by Israeli hip-hop group “Subliminal.”  Amidst an album filled with Three 6 Mafia and Kanye West, someone rapping in Hebrew is certainly a blind-sided hit.  My album names tend to be Jewish/Gangsta puns.  There’s been “Ka-Ballin!,” “Keepin It Is-Real, Vol. 1,” and now “Chrome Kippur.”

5. If you had to make mashup theme song to your life, what two (or more) songs would you use?

“Young Forever” by Jay-Z (feat. Mr. Hudson) for sure.  And I’d probably add to that “My Generation” by Damian Marley & Nas (feat. Lil’ Wayne).  Now, I’m all across the board now, we’ll throw in “Something Good Can Work” by Two Door Cinema Club and “Babeli Oto” by Eyal Golan.  The Jay-Z track because I’m going off to school next year, the Damian Marley and Nas song because the songs lyrics speak total truth (especially Lil’ Wayne’s verse)(look it up), Two Door Cinema Club because I just really like that song, and Eyal Golan because that’s such a staple song at my camp.  He’s an Israeli artist and Judaism and music is such a part of my life.

6. Where do you hope to take this project in the future/what are your future plans/goals/aspirations? Where would you like to see the mashup industry 10 years from now?

I hope to continue mashing as a hobby.  I don’t expect to turn it into a career by any means, but you never know.  It scares me that so many artists are being threatened to shut down what they’re doing even though they’re not profiting from any of it.  I don’t mean any harm from my mashups.  It’s basically the result of my undiagnosed Music ADD.  I love music and everyone who makes it and my mashups are an expression of that love.  I’m not trying to get the large corporations.  I don’t make any money off of my mashups and I don’t plan on it.  Ideally, I would like to be able to mash without fear of being sued.  I’m going to college next year and would really like to keep that money in the account.

I think the mashup industry has an advantage because good mashup artists are constantly mixing new music.  I assume that over the next ten years, there will still be new music being released.  The genres will change, and mashups will change with them.  These mixes will always be appealing  because you’re to bridge the gap between many different genres and please many people.  I hope the mashup industry is still strong in ten years, provided the large record labels haven’t shut it down  by then.

7. What should we expect from chrome kippur?

Chrome Kippur is the best stuff I have ever made.  It will knock your socks off.  I’ve sampled around 175 different songs and I feel I had so much time to truly experiment with this album.  There are tons of mixes on it that I never would have dreamed I’d be using a year ago.  It’s a statement album.  It says “DJ JewBoy is legit.  Don’t believe me?  Listen to this.”  It’s 41 minutes of eargasm after eargasm.  Chrome Kippur is a fun listening experience.  Have you ever listened to an album that you just get lost in?  This is that, except with mashups.  I’m hoping this is the one that finally puts me over the top.

8. Would you rather meet Justin Bieber or the 1999 version of Aaron Carter?

This is no contest:  1999 Aaron Carter.  Are you serious?  Through Aaron I’d get to meet Nick Carter, and through him, the rest of the Backstreet Boys.  While I never was a fan, they certainly were a critical musical icon during the 1990’s.  And “Aaron's Party (Come Get It)” is truly a fun song to listen to.  I liked it when I was nine, (and still secretly like it now).

9. What is one piece of advice that you would give to aspiring mashers?

I think that the most important thing is to experiment.  Your mashups won’t sound good at first.  You gotta take little steps.  I started off on Audacity making shitty mixes, then made good ones, moved to Sony Acid, made shitty ones, then made sick ones, and now I’m learning Ableton and struggling haha.  With time, and good ideas of course, any aspiring mashup artist can find success.  Just be patient.

10. anything else you want to add

This blog is the definition of awesome sauce.  And you can quote me on that.

Everyone is invited to the online release of Chrome Kippur on June 4^th!  It’s a facebook event and isn’t technically a real party, but up until that Friday, I will announce any information about the new album there.  Here’s the link: http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#!/event.php?eid=107053819338985.

And I’m super stoked to be next some of my mashup idols in Super Mash Bros.

I Want The Old NBA Back

I'm sitting here watching the Suns Lakers game. Three quarters in, I'm amazed I haven't turned off the TV. Not only is the game unequivocally boring, but EVERY single commercial break has the audacity to promote the DVD release of the movie "Valentine's Day." 

Reality check: Oprah is on during the day. And so should this game, because by no means is this primetime television. 

I miss the old NBA. I miss the days where Steve Nash wasn't the only one with a black eye. I miss the times when crowds didn't spend the entire game sitting down in "I already know the result of this game so why bother" apathy. I miss the buzz. I miss the "I love this game" feel. I miss the wars that used to go on every possession. And yes, there were casualties. Just ask Patrick Ewing. 

No matter what happens this postseason, the eventual champion will be overshadowed by LeBron, a king that we have prematurely crowned.

Kings get crowns, buddy. 

The league hype seems to solely centered on next season. Where's LeBron going? LeBron LeBron LeBron D-Wade LeBron. Can they win a title? I don't know, I'm not Shazaam. But what I do know is that there is a title chase happening right under our eyes, and the NBA seems to have completely forgotten about it. Shame on them.

I miss the times where every game that was played seemed like a reenactment of the movie Gladiator. I miss the times when holding your breath was commonplace, because it was only a matter of time until the Lakers stormed back from the depths of hell in game 7 to shock the upstart Blazers. It was only a matter of time until Reggie Miller would create the longest 9 seconds in the history of the NBA. It was only a matter of time until Allan Houston would send a ball around the rim in 80 days, sinking the Heat in a miraculous eight-over-one seed upset. 

Those days, great moments weren't yearned for. They were expected. 

Even the Celtics dismantling of LeBron wasn't exciting to watch. A monumental upset? I don't think so. With the exception of Game 3, the Celtics were clearly the stronger team throughout the series. It seemed like they gradually sucked the life out of LeBron, the Cavs, and the entire city of Cleveland, using that fuel to power a sleeping giant. Old people have to nap, but when they are awoken, its a scary sight. A helpless Mike Brown and a nail-biting LeBron learned that the hard way. 

I'm not saying the NBA hasn't had their share of playoff moments as of late. LeBron's game winner against Orlando last year was pretty "I love this game-esque." Yet it was ultimately overshadowed by the Cav's inability to advance to the finals.

Kobe finally got his ring last year, but it seemed more like the "finally, thank God that's done with" variety rather than the unblemished ecstasy we saw in his earlier championships. It was like he had just took a really tough exam, and was able to wipe the sweat off his brow after finding out that he passed. 

The Celtics-Bulls first round series in 2009 was nothing short of some of the most entertaining television in the past 20 years. But it was in the first round. After that marathon the viewers, players, and even the NBA decided to poop out the rest of the playoffs, obviously exhausted.

Whoever decided to make the first round 7 games is a bigger idiot than the guy who invented the solar-powered flashlight. 

Exactly. 

The season is a marathon enough. The playoffs is supposed to be that hard sprint at the end of the race. The kind of race where a combination of talent, endurance, and heart will always reign supreme. 

These days, the first round takes three weeks. That's a marathon in itself. 

And that's just the tip of the iceberg. There's so much more needed to be improved. With the exception of the Thunder, the fans seem to be disengaged. Even players seem disengaged. And not just LeBron. Cough, Joe Johnson. Cough, Dallas Mavericks.

I want to love this game again. NBA, can you help me out? Please?

****This article also appeared at http://bleacherreport.com/articles/393451-i-want-the-old-nba-back  Check me out. Well, not really. Or maybe....

Song of the Day: VERY VERY good mashup. 

We will Rock and Roll Beverly Hills

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dA0ZcQ6m65E

Sophomore Year Recap

The school year is completely over. I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it. To say the least, it was quite a year. There is no question that if I had to choose a year that best applied to Matchbox 20's song "let's see how far we've come," 2009-2010 gets the gold. And its not just because I have more facial hair. Although I do have to figure out balancing that and keeping my boyish charm.

I learned a lot this year. For instance, I learned to never sleepwalk, especially on the second night of school when half of your roommates aren't there. because chances are you will find yourself locked out of your apartment with no shirt and no shoes on, stumbling around georgetown like an idiot, only to embarassingly run into the girl who you have been thinking about the entire summer. drunk at 4 in the morning, with no shirt, no shoes, no phone, and no place to go. talk about suave. If you're really lucky, you could go try and stay with her until the morning because even though you are incredibly embarassed, she is nice enough to offer you a place to stay (as you have none), only to get rejected by the lady at the front desk of the dorm because you have no ID and look more of a mess than lady gaga. Aaaand if you're really lucky, you could have orientation training 3 hours later. 

I learned that the worst thing you could possibly do is interview a football coach right after he lost the last game of the season 41-14, giving his team an 0-11 record. And yes,  for the first time in the 150 year history of the program, Georgetown football goes defeated. (ominous music)

I learned that a Hi-Liter is a pretty effective flirting tool. Especially when blacklights and white shirts are involved. 

I learned about Hank Mardukas

I learned about Midg Lewis

I learned that timing and circumstances suck. Though I also learned that they are beautiful. Though I also learned that they suck. Though I also learned...ok i'll stop now

I learned that two jews and a hyper freak who creates facebook profiles for his dog could beat ANYONE at basketball. Even hammerhead sharks and wolfgang from hey arnold  

I learned how to pull an all-nighter. or two. or 17. 

I learned that Dells suck. I want a mac

I learned how to have your best friend visit you, watch him almost die, stay up until 6 in the morning so that he doesn't die,  watch him not wake up 2 hours later when you have to catch a bus in an hour, watch him miraculously be cured of his drunken stupor out of nowhere, watch him onwardly charge you to the bus in the most heroic hungover effort I have ever seen, watch him still be drunk on the bus, get off the bus, navigate yourself to walk 40 minutes across another school's campus in pouring rain to get to your first ever college football game, drive to another college that night, randomly run into people from your hometown at a party, get back to georgetown, run across the key bridge back to campus in about 5 minutes because you are that comitted to your frat frat frat and don't want to miss your meeting, and then to top it all off, have your friend miss his flight back. for everything else theres mastercard.  

I learned how to organize a formal where you are the only person that could actually recount what happened because everyone else was too busy either. a. throwing up in the bathroom. b. not throwing up in the bathroom... 

I learned about the legend of Eric Bodzin. 

I learned how to clean my apartment. Oh wait, no I didn't.

I learned how to bond with a futon

I learned how desperate people are to get into parties.

Example- I am at a party, being the bouncer. The party is full, and we are only letting in people we know.

Random kid tries to walk into the party

Me "Woah, sorry dude, we can't let you in right now"

Kid (drunk) "Yea, you can. I'm Lance. I'm in the frat"

Me "Really? you sure about that?"

Kid: "Alright, nah, but I know Lance"

Me: "You do?"

Kid "Yea"

Me: "Whats he like"

Kid: "he's fucking awesome"

Me: "i'd have to agree with that. enjoy the party."

I learned that the Super Mash Bros. are not only some of the chillest dudes on the planet, but I also learned that they are Jewish. Fuck shamrocks. I'm all about Veshamru's 

I learned that everything in life doesn't have a happy ending. In fact, I learned that everything in life doesn't have an ending. I'm not sure if thats good or bad, but I guess well find out. Or not. 

I learned why the movie dogma is called dogma

I learned how much better Spring Fling was than Georgetown's concert. Except that it wasn't. 

I learned how to pronouce "Gorlaaami"

I learned that I really like coffee shops. No homo. 

I learned that its not about the size of the frat in a fight. Its about the size of the fight in the frat, frat, frat. 

I learned that all i need is the air I breathe, good friends, and Village B 71. Nothing else. Although I wouldn't mind some Natty light, ping pong balls, and solo cups. 

song(s) of the school year:

Hero: Enrique Iglesias: http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=hero+enrique+iglesias&aq=1

Asia: Heat of the Moment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wlTvWvfEMxE