Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thoughts. Run on a page like Forrest Gump. What are these thoughts about? Anything? Nothing? Everything? Hopefully the third, as that would make a pretty good bagel. Cream cheese of course. More importantly though, what is going on?
Yes that question is overly general. General to the point that I don’t even know what im saying. Though I have no idea what im saying half the time anyway. Words are funny when you think about them. Who made them up? Human speech, what a funny thing. Today I asked my girlfriend, how was your day? You know how she responded? You may be thinking, how the fuck should I know? But the sad part is, you already do know, because it’s the way every single fucking human on the planet responds to that question. She said, and I quote “it was good.”
If I didn’t carry on the conversation, I actually would have no idea how her day was, because ‘good’ is kind of like an automatic response. I mean, good could be coded for ‘great, I got a promotion.’ That is pretty good, if you base your happiness on money. Ill get to that later, but money is pretty much the most underratedly overrated thing ever. Anyway, her response also could have been coded for, ‘I just had the crappiest day in all of eternity, but I don’t want you to be bummed out about it so ill just wait until we keep talking to actually let you know how shitty it was.” Sometimes I wonder why I even bother asking that question. Though I usually genuinely care about the response, it never actually does anything to enhance the conversation. Damn, people are confusing. I mean, just look at how I’m writing.
Stream of consciousness. Short and to the point. My mind wanders, kind of like the Olympic torch. No time to stay and hang out in one place. I’ll wake up in Portland, take in the douglas firs or whatever the fuck things are in Portland (forgive me Oregonians, Im an ignorant New Yorker), then run on into wherever else my mind takes me. And I have no agency over my mind. Its kind of scary when you think about it. But so are the Saw movies, and they’ve made like seven of those. So I guess I can’t complain too much.
You know how I started writing this thrill of a story? Sheer frustration. And yes, the usage of the word sheer was absolutely necessary. It added some direction or purpose to the phrase. If I just said frustration, you may not have considered it as strong. Think about it in terms of flavor enhancement. I add salt to the potato, and suddenly it is incredibly more appealing. Now people will actually pay attention to it and eat it. Why? Because the potato was enhanced with salt, just as frustration was enhanced with sheer. Damn, im using the word enhanced a lot. Just to clarify, I don’t work for Viagra.
So back to the point. You’re probably wondering by now, is there even a point? Is this a story or something? I mean I could make it one. I feel like im a pretty good writer if I want to be. You would be entertained, even though my name isn’t cedric. But I already stated the problem. Its if I want to be. Getting motivated for any intellectualish mind stimulating thing is almost impossible these days. Which really sucks, cause I feel like theres so much in my head I want to cultivate. Its like my mind is a cornfield that hasn’t been harvested yet. The winter is coming, so the farmer has to hastily get as many crops as he can. But since the farmer is under pressure by the man to get as many crops as he can to make a profit so he can have pay mortgage on his house so that he has shelter that he could provide for his family so that they don’t leave him or better yet get sick and need a hospital but they don’t have healthcare so they have to go to the city and beg for money but then are ridiculed by the preppy well-to do young folk in the city who could throw around as much money as possible to give the farmers family enough money for healthcare but choose not to because they are afraid of the farmer and his family because they are different and therefore don’t fit in with society and since they don’t fit in with society they young folk in the city won’t dare to approach them because then their friends will talk that they are hanging out with a strange crowd and then their reputation is crushed and they are sad so they go buy drugs with their money that they could be giving to the farmer and his family and proceed to live a life of excess and little direction and pretend they are on gossip girl instead of actually making a difference in the world, the farmer could not actually treat each and every crop with the attention it deserves for full and proper cultivation. You should probably read that again, because im sure you got it all down the first time. Not. Hey look, now im borat. That’s what I was talking about with the mind wandering thing.
So in a nutshell, that’s where I feel like my mind is at. So pop open the pistachio, cause im just getting started.
But don’t get me wrong, gossip girl is a great show.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
I would consider this unwise for a number of reasons. First of all, most nets are rather easy to get tangled in. Think about it. if you live in a safety net, your home is automatically going to be twisted, confusing, and something that you catch a fish in. And although seafood is rather gnarly, fish have mercury. Your diet is now poisonous, becaiuse the only thing that your fucked up net could actually catch is trout. The same trout that you have been eating for the past 15 years.
Some people fish with the same net all their lives.
Yea, you wan’t to eat other things. You really do. Metaphorically speaking, there are other fish to be fried. You’ve heard wild salmon is good, and you really want to try it. But your net doesn’t. Because the net doesn’t think that way. Why? Well first of all, nets don’t think. Nets are only something you hold onto. The tighter the grip, the more intimate you become with it. The more intimate you become with it, the more attached you become to it. The more attached you become, the harder it is to let go.
Eventually, you may get to a point where can’t let go. Like it or not, you’re stuck to this net. for good.
Don’t do that. There are other newer nets out there. As you become a more experienced fisher, continuing to use your old net may become rather prohibitive.
A professional quidditch player would be an idiot to use a cleansweep over a firebolt.
I ask you this, net-minder. What happens if the river becomes polluted? What if the river floods? What if the river experiences a drought?
You never know. it could happen at anytime. Times change.
At that point, your attachment to this river is useless. You are effectively surrendering your autonomy as a person to an inanimate object- a net of memories. And yea, we love memories. But they are simply that; memories. With only memories, can you think? Can you experience joy, pain, misery, and uncertainty. Can you feel love?
What if wild salmon could only be caught in another river?
Your net knows nothing else but the same river it has grown up in. Do you stick with it, even though you know a different net may be more beneficial to your health? Do you leave home, the home that has defined your childhood? Either way, the decision is much harder than 1,2,3.
Or maybe its not.
If you’ve never had wild salmon, you’ll have no fucking idea whether or not you’ll like it. The only way to know is to eat it.
Sounds simple, right?
Wrong. Heres the catch.
You need a new net. If you try to catch wild salmon with your old, tattered net, you are going to really hurt it.
Heres the solution.
Try the new net. It may work wonders for you. There is a good chance it may be able to do things that you couldn’t dream of doing with oldie but goodie over there. Bassmaster classic, here we come.
And if flashy mcflash not for you, then its not for you. Go back to your old net. Maybe you were never destined to win the bassmaster classic.
But maybe you were.
song of the day:
breathe, Taylor swift
Monday, March 22, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Best Buy, Wal-mart, Home Depot, MTV, Applebees, Monster Energy, I-Pods, Soulja Boy
Yea, that’s America in a nutshell. Well, not entirely. If that was REALLY America in a nutshell, I would have included this dude:
I never really liked Mr. Planter, Esq. He always seemed to be really pretentious about everything. And don’t even get me started on that eyepiece. If that doesn’t scream ‘I’m intellectually superior to you,’ I don’t know what does.
Mr. Planter, Esq. is the kind of person who would thrive at cocktail parties that are too classy for pigs n blankets. Consider his game plan:
-upon arrival, Mr. Planter, Esq. will tip his hat to the host in an overly ostentatious manner. He will then ask where to check his coat. Though the move is seemingly harmless, it allows Planter Esq. a chance to mention that he is wearing versatchi.
-He will only drink Belvedere. On the rocks.
- He will reference the fact that he attended Colombia Law at least 15 times
The main event will commence shortly. Please turn off all cell-phones.
Alright, at least put them on vibrate.
WHY THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY IS WORSE THAN THAT DISGUSTING FRIED CHEESEBURGER THING THEY SERVE AT COLLEGIATE DINING HALLS:
They don't take reservations. For a restaurant, not taking reservations is pretty much the equivalent of taking money and lighting it on fire. Its just plain idiotic.
Why do I make this outrageous metaphor? Well, for one, outrageous metaphors are fun. Seriously though, it baffles me that a place like the cheesecake factory flat out refuses to graciously accept people that are willing to give them money. Think of it this way:
-being that the menu at the cheesecake factory bigger than john mayer's body, it is a perfect place to bring a large party of people, as it offers something for everyone.
-when large parties of people (10 or more, lets say) walk into a restaurant, the waiter/greeting person generally does not say. 'Oh, we have a table for 10 right here! follow me.'
Thus, such parties often make a reservation.
Way to think, cheesecake factory
The portions are more obnoxious than Dane Cook's comedy. The first time i went there, i ordered fried calamari (to SHARE, mind you) as an appetizer to go along with my pasta dish.
The first time i went there, I only had about 3 spoonfuls of my pasta dish.
Naturally, I took the pasta dish home. I ate it the next day for lunch. And the next day.
And the next day.
After a few days, it turned kind of bad. I had to throw it out. There was still a decent amount left.
If you don't know me, you probably don't understand the magnitude of this story. I don't mean to brag, but my eating prowess is about as ferocious as the rate at which fratty mcfrat chugs keystone lights. The fact that I only got through half an appetizer at this place is downright disgusting.
The portions are so big that im fairly confident that the dude from Man vs. food would have a difficult time pounding down a full course meal.
If they opened a cheesecake factory in any African country, they could solve hunger world hunger. its that simple. yet they continue to waste more food than a fashion model who is 'watching her figure'
maybe everyone there secretly works for the town dump, and it is their job to procure as much waste as possible so they could become the champion of utter rubbish.
Regardless, the place is an utter joke. The one in my town has about five floors, and is never crowded. Thats a bigger waste of space than Mel Gibson's synagogue
And finally, after eating the equivalent of three ocra whales and a hippopotamus, they expect you to eat cheesecake. cheesecake? thats just about as logical as mildew smelling perfume.
And they use cheap labor. Cheesecake factory? More like Cheesecake sweatshop.
Song of the day:
Third eye blind is coming to georgetown. boo yah.
Third eye blind, wounded:
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
clap, dammit. and you better not be doing one of those halfhearted claps that you only do because everyone else is clapping. if you don't clap, you'll look worse than draco malfoy when everyone in the entire great hall but him gave a standing ovation to pay their respects for cedric diggory after voldemort killed him. yea, you'll look that bad. i guarantee it. and i don't even work for mens warehouse. but i did stay at a holiday inn express last night.
hope you got the point. now read the wondrous words of dajustin eisenbandovic. its quite comedic.
Before I begin, I feel it is only proper to pay respects to rapper Young Joc who died today at the age of 27. The apparent cause of death is exhaustion. Sources tell us that Young Joc had recently been growing weary as everywhere he went “it was going down.” His friend who wishes to remain anonymous had this to say: “Yeah I met Joc in the mall and then later in the club a few weeks ago and it was definitely goin down.” Representatives for Mr. Joc are accepting donations in his name to the Relaxation Fund which encourages people to never guarantee that wherever they go “it is indeed going down.”
Judging from watching one episode of their show, I’m guessing school was one place where it was not very difficult to keep up with the Kardashians.
Best Jobs for an Amputee
1) Waitress at IHOP
2) Tester for Gallows
3) Illustrator for Ernest Hemingway’s A Farewell To Arms
Smokey the Bear had the worst slogan. “Only YOU can prevent forest fires.” Well that’s just not true we have fire departments and environmentalists working on these problems everyday. Charging an 8 year old kid watching cartoons with a major environmental conservation effort is downright mean.
Maybe I was the only one paying attention, but did anyone notice the Scooby Doo and Shaggy both ate the same brand of Scooby Snacks? If Scooby Snacks were human food, then Shaggy should probably watch out for PETA because they will probably want to burn down his house for being irresponsible. If they were dog treats then I think they must have been smoking something in that mystery machine.
If you hadn’t heard Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for Best Actress a little over a week ago. I know you were probably thinking “How could this happen?” Well, I wasn’t about to stand by and watch this travesty occur without getting to the bottom of it. So I did some research Wiki-Wiki on Wikipedia. It turns out Sandra Bullock is married to Jesse James. That’s right. Known outlaw and notorious bank robber Jesse James. It is clear that these two conspired to steal the Oscar for Sandra away from much more well deserving candidates. I guess we were all “Blind sided” by that one huh?
Also, things Sandra Bullock may or may not have done…
Shoot JFK from the grassy knoll
Attempt to destroy the island as the Smoke Monster on Lost
Foil Jack Bauer’s attempt to save the president
Kidnap Harrison Ford’s family
Be in the movie Ms. Congeniality 2 Armed and Fabulous
In memory of Willie the greatest dog ever to roam to streets of Boca Raton the puppy of the day is a Wheaten Terrier.
Song of the day
Well done. Well done indeed.
song of the day part 2: you can't always get what you want (Glee cast). riveting stuff.