Wednesday, March 31, 2010

parking my manners

I'm on (Lieghton) Easter break. Thank the lawd. or jesus. or both.

Having this break is downright terrificness. In the next few days, I should be more active on the blogger than Nick Lachey's booking agent.

sarcastic much?

Anyway, i got some fanmail. woot woot.

since sharing is caring, take a gander:


Lan$e,

After reading your Monday post, I began to think about what you should do if you choose either b or c.

If you chose a, you just need to sack up. you gotta deal with being thrown under the bus, plain and simple. but lets be real for a georgetown second- that reasoning isn't gonna fly if you just want to be like the GS Boyz.

If you decide your going to control life, then you need to strip the word 'no' from your vocabulary.

If you think you have what it takes to control life, you better make damn sure you get what you want out of it. Cause if not, your going to be like Fankie Muniz, a has been living in some random shit hole somewhere, wondering why you had to be such a free sprit or other 70's nonsense.

Now I know choosing to control life is not an easy choice- and it does carry some large consequences if you fail.
but it HAS to be better than a. nobody likes being rejected, its like going to the dentist but without the simple pleasantries from the person inflicting the pain.

Thus, I am going to put myself out there and suggest that if you don't have the confidence to go with choice b, you should stick with the tried and true stanky leg, as when you hit the dance floor, who doesn't want to be wide, wired and dougie fresh?

sincerely,

i want this shit forevan mine, evan mine


Song of the Day:

Walk it out: Lil Wayne








Monday, March 29, 2010

being a rockstar

Life got you down?

There are a few choices here:

a. Let life control you
b. Control life
c. do the stanky leg

If you chose A, stop whining. unless you have to read 400 pages of 'a tale of two cities' by tomorrow, things could be much worse.

i don't care if your girlfriend dumped you and you have three midterms tomorrow. you're gonna do fine, you're a smart kid. and i guarantee that you were 10 times cooler than her anyway.

live everyday like a rockstar. no excuses.

And while you're at it, listen to this. Dont you know? It'll pump you up.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Evacuate the lancefloor

Im sorry blogga. I never meant to hurt you

translation: i haven't posted in a few days. which is bad. because i know that if i don't consistently make you happy, you'll be more ruthless to me than refs are to whoever Duke is playing against.

so tonight, i'm cleaning out my closet.

translation: im pressed for time tonight, so i won't be able to crank out the usual pseudo brilliance that is produced 5.3 times a week at this really cool web address. thus, i'm hitting up the archives.


Below is an excerpt from a shortish story i wrote one time. Its kind of weird, so proceed at your own risk.

actually don't proceed at your own risk. that's a cop out. you are only allowed to do that if your name is tracy morgan.

Tell me when to go:

The cornfield

Thoughts. Run on a page like Forrest Gump. What are these thoughts about? Anything? Nothing? Everything? Hopefully the third, as that would make a pretty good bagel. Cream cheese of course. More importantly though, what is going on?

Yes that question is overly general. General to the point that I don’t even know what im saying. Though I have no idea what im saying half the time anyway. Words are funny when you think about them. Who made them up? Human speech, what a funny thing. Today I asked my girlfriend, how was your day? You know how she responded? You may be thinking, how the fuck should I know? But the sad part is, you already do know, because it’s the way every single fucking human on the planet responds to that question. She said, and I quote “it was good.”

If I didn’t carry on the conversation, I actually would have no idea how her day was, because ‘good’ is kind of like an automatic response. I mean, good could be coded for ‘great, I got a promotion.’ That is pretty good, if you base your happiness on money. Ill get to that later, but money is pretty much the most underratedly overrated thing ever. Anyway, her response also could have been coded for, ‘I just had the crappiest day in all of eternity, but I don’t want you to be bummed out about it so ill just wait until we keep talking to actually let you know how shitty it was.” Sometimes I wonder why I even bother asking that question. Though I usually genuinely care about the response, it never actually does anything to enhance the conversation. Damn, people are confusing. I mean, just look at how I’m writing.

Stream of consciousness. Short and to the point. My mind wanders, kind of like the Olympic torch. No time to stay and hang out in one place. I’ll wake up in Portland, take in the douglas firs or whatever the fuck things are in Portland (forgive me Oregonians, Im an ignorant New Yorker), then run on into wherever else my mind takes me. And I have no agency over my mind. Its kind of scary when you think about it. But so are the Saw movies, and they’ve made like seven of those. So I guess I can’t complain too much.

You know how I started writing this thrill of a story? Sheer frustration. And yes, the usage of the word sheer was absolutely necessary. It added some direction or purpose to the phrase. If I just said frustration, you may not have considered it as strong. Think about it in terms of flavor enhancement. I add salt to the potato, and suddenly it is incredibly more appealing. Now people will actually pay attention to it and eat it. Why? Because the potato was enhanced with salt, just as frustration was enhanced with sheer. Damn, im using the word enhanced a lot. Just to clarify, I don’t work for Viagra.

So back to the point. You’re probably wondering by now, is there even a point? Is this a story or something? I mean I could make it one. I feel like im a pretty good writer if I want to be. You would be entertained, even though my name isn’t cedric. But I already stated the problem. Its if I want to be. Getting motivated for any intellectualish mind stimulating thing is almost impossible these days. Which really sucks, cause I feel like theres so much in my head I want to cultivate. Its like my mind is a cornfield that hasn’t been harvested yet. The winter is coming, so the farmer has to hastily get as many crops as he can. But since the farmer is under pressure by the man to get as many crops as he can to make a profit so he can have pay mortgage on his house so that he has shelter that he could provide for his family so that they don’t leave him or better yet get sick and need a hospital but they don’t have healthcare so they have to go to the city and beg for money but then are ridiculed by the preppy well-to do young folk in the city who could throw around as much money as possible to give the farmers family enough money for healthcare but choose not to because they are afraid of the farmer and his family because they are different and therefore don’t fit in with society and since they don’t fit in with society they young folk in the city won’t dare to approach them because then their friends will talk that they are hanging out with a strange crowd and then their reputation is crushed and they are sad so they go buy drugs with their money that they could be giving to the farmer and his family and proceed to live a life of excess and little direction and pretend they are on gossip girl instead of actually making a difference in the world, the farmer could not actually treat each and every crop with the attention it deserves for full and proper cultivation. You should probably read that again, because im sure you got it all down the first time. Not. Hey look, now im borat. That’s what I was talking about with the mind wandering thing.

So in a nutshell, that’s where I feel like my mind is at. So pop open the pistachio, cause im just getting started.

But don’t get me wrong, gossip girl is a great show.





wow, that kid's a weirdo.....

i'll get back to the real stuff if work permits.

if you got that reference, high five.


song of the day

damned if i do ya (damned if i don't): all time low


p.s: comment, you scaredy cats

Thursday, March 25, 2010

fate fell short this time


I'm hiring an agent. contact me if you are jewish.


Blink 182's Feeling This. Enjoy.
video


just kidding. but fellow jews, you could still contact me if you feel like it.



gotta go. i got a goddam Veterinarian exam tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

lean, mean, grilling machine

Sorry about that angry horde of wildebeest that i wrote the other day. i was having issues. So many issues, that i temporarily turned into a magazine.

Anyway, back to gator boots and gucci suits:


Things that are sillier than rabbits who eat sugary cereal

-pencils without erasers. why bother being a pencil?

-leaving a group of people to go call somebody, but that somebody does not answer. you return to your group moments later, looking more foolish than the people that mr. T pities.

-low calorie energy drinks. useful

-being at a party and going to the bathroom even though you don't have to. you only go to the barthroom because you are either:
a. uncomfortable with the situation at hand
b. pretending like you have cooler things to do.

note: if you choose option b, you don't tell your compatriots that you are going to the bathroom.

-the final 1/4 of a milkshake. actually impossible to finish with a straw. i want a refund

-the guy at the gym who grunts and screams. its not a terrorist interrogation, you know.

-Taylor swifts inverted sense of women's fashion: girls, you should me mortified. imagine wearing sneakers instead of high heels at your prom? unforgivable.

-NASCAR. and even worse. Fans of nascar. Like this guy:


-remotes that don't work (aka every remote)

My bad, I couldn't think of anything else funny. i got writers block. and this block was really heavy. in fact, when i tried to lift it, i threw out my back. now my backs broken. ouch, chaarley. ouch.

due to my metaphorical brokeback, i'm probably going to have to go to the hospital. score one for the democrats and healthcare. party like a barackstar.


thats it for today. if i didn't didn't satisfy your hunger for procrastination, i suggest you grab a snickers.

coming up next: top 10 cereal mascots


song of the day:

spose: i'm awesome


because everyone is awesome.

well, mostly everyone.

that was positive
















Shoe fly, don't bother me

Miracle of the day:


I'm sitting in the back of theories of personality class. expressing my personality. obviously.

from my vantage point, EVERY SINGLE female on a computer is looking at shoes.

amazing.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Gone Fishing

Some people live in safety nets.

I would consider this unwise for a number of reasons. First of all, most nets are rather easy to get tangled in. Think about it. if you live in a safety net, your home is automatically going to be twisted, confusing, and something that you catch a fish in. And although seafood is rather gnarly, fish have mercury. Your diet is now poisonous, becaiuse the only thing that your fucked up net could actually catch is trout. The same trout that you have been eating for the past 15 years.

Some people fish with the same net all their lives.

Yea, you wan’t to eat other things. You really do. Metaphorically speaking, there are other fish to be fried. You’ve heard wild salmon is good, and you really want to try it. But your net doesn’t. Because the net doesn’t think that way. Why? Well first of all, nets don’t think. Nets are only something you hold onto. The tighter the grip, the more intimate you become with it. The more intimate you become with it, the more attached you become to it. The more attached you become, the harder it is to let go.

Eventually, you may get to a point where can’t let go. Like it or not, you’re stuck to this net. for good.

Don’t do that. There are other newer nets out there. As you become a more experienced fisher, continuing to use your old net may become rather prohibitive.

A professional quidditch player would be an idiot to use a cleansweep over a firebolt.

I ask you this, net-minder. What happens if the river becomes polluted? What if the river floods? What if the river experiences a drought?

You never know. it could happen at anytime. Times change.

At that point, your attachment to this river is useless. You are effectively surrendering your autonomy as a person to an inanimate object- a net of memories. And yea, we love memories. But they are simply that; memories. With only memories, can you think? Can you experience joy, pain, misery, and uncertainty. Can you feel love?

What if wild salmon could only be caught in another river?

Your net knows nothing else but the same river it has grown up in. Do you stick with it, even though you know a different net may be more beneficial to your health? Do you leave home, the home that has defined your childhood? Either way, the decision is much harder than 1,2,3.

Or maybe its not.

If you’ve never had wild salmon, you’ll have no fucking idea whether or not you’ll like it. The only way to know is to eat it.

Sounds simple, right?

Wrong. Heres the catch.

You need a new net. If you try to catch wild salmon with your old, tattered net, you are going to really hurt it.

Heres the solution.

Try the new net. It may work wonders for you. There is a good chance it may be able to do things that you couldn’t dream of doing with oldie but goodie over there. Bassmaster classic, here we come.

And if flashy mcflash not for you, then its not for you. Go back to your old net. Maybe you were never destined to win the bassmaster classic.

But maybe you were.


song of the day:

breathe, Taylor swift

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PnXrfksTjZ8



Monday, March 22, 2010

In an unprecedented move, multi a-millionaire, robatussin sipping extraordinaire lil' wayne has announced that he will be joining the cast of the office.

thats right. the office.


move over, dwight. you were cool, but you definitely aren't tougher than Nigerian hair.

and you definitely aren't just a gangsta, miss katie

Saturday, March 20, 2010

warm kiss>cold goodbye

Best Buy, Wal-mart, Home Depot, MTV, Applebees, Monster Energy, I-Pods, Soulja Boy

Yea, that’s America in a nutshell. Well, not entirely. If that was REALLY America in a nutshell, I would have included this dude:

Go to fullsize image

I never really liked Mr. Planter, Esq. He always seemed to be really pretentious about everything. And don’t even get me started on that eyepiece. If that doesn’t scream ‘I’m intellectually superior to you,’ I don’t know what does.

Mr. Planter, Esq. is the kind of person who would thrive at cocktail parties that are too classy for pigs n blankets. Consider his game plan:

-upon arrival, Mr. Planter, Esq. will tip his hat to the host in an overly ostentatious manner. He will then ask where to check his coat. Though the move is seemingly harmless, it allows Planter Esq. a chance to mention that he is wearing versatchi.

-He will only drink Belvedere. On the rocks.

- He will reference the fact that he attended Colombia Law at least 15 times

-He will quote a passage of Faulkner in attempt to impress a girl. She is not impressed, and he has to settle for giving her his card. She doesn’t call him.

The main event will commence shortly. Please turn off all cell-phones.

Alright, at least put them on vibrate.

WHY THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY IS WORSE THAN THAT DISGUSTING FRIED CHEESEBURGER THING THEY SERVE AT COLLEGIATE DINING HALLS:


They don't take reservations. For a restaurant, not taking reservations is pretty much the equivalent of taking money and lighting it on fire. Its just plain idiotic.

Why do I make this outrageous metaphor? Well, for one, outrageous metaphors are fun. Seriously though, it baffles me that a place like the cheesecake factory flat out refuses to graciously accept people that are willing to give them money. Think of it this way:

-being that the menu at the cheesecake factory bigger than john mayer's body, it is a perfect place to bring a large party of people, as it offers something for everyone.

-when large parties of people (10 or more, lets say) walk into a restaurant, the waiter/greeting person generally does not say. 'Oh, we have a table for 10 right here! follow me.'

Thus, such parties often make a reservation.

Way to think, cheesecake factory

The portions are more obnoxious than Dane Cook's comedy. The first time i went there, i ordered fried calamari (to SHARE, mind you) as an appetizer to go along with my pasta dish.

The first time i went there, I only had about 3 spoonfuls of my pasta dish.

Naturally, I took the pasta dish home. I ate it the next day for lunch. And the next day.

And the next day.

After a few days, it turned kind of bad. I had to throw it out. There was still a decent amount left.

If you don't know me, you probably don't understand the magnitude of this story. I don't mean to brag, but my eating prowess is about as ferocious as the rate at which fratty mcfrat chugs keystone lights. The fact that I only got through half an appetizer at this place is downright disgusting.

The portions are so big that im fairly confident that the dude from Man vs. food would have a difficult time pounding down a full course meal.

If they opened a cheesecake factory in any African country, they could solve hunger world hunger. its that simple. yet they continue to waste more food than a fashion model who is 'watching her figure'

maybe everyone there secretly works for the town dump, and it is their job to procure as much waste as possible so they could become the champion of utter rubbish.

Regardless, the place is an utter joke. The one in my town has about five floors, and is never crowded. Thats a bigger waste of space than Mel Gibson's synagogue

And finally, after eating the equivalent of three ocra whales and a hippopotamus, they expect you to eat cheesecake. cheesecake? thats just about as logical as mildew smelling perfume.

And they use cheap labor. Cheesecake factory? More like Cheesecake sweatshop.


Song of the day:

Third eye blind is coming to georgetown. boo yah.

Third eye blind, wounded:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eUZLTKH9mc0








Thursday, March 18, 2010

Yea, we lost. but good season, boys

In case you live in a cave far away from civilization, I have two articles of news for you:

1. UIS is probably your next door neighbor. Though they don't have a telephone. they only have this weird combination of wires that nobody has seen since 1842. if you wan't to contact them, leave a message after the beep. o wait a second, i don't think 'the beep' was invented yet'
2.Georgetown lost today.

Boo-hoo.


Immediately following this travesty, I heard some raucous screaming outside the window of my lovely (and immaculately clean) apartment. It gave up a little something like this:

'Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!'

(repeat phrase six more times. and yes, there were 52 u's in each scream. talk about buying vowels, that dude has gotta be broke)

Dedicated Hoya fan who is still probably hung over from the festivities of St. (i hate) FRATrick's day, heed the following message:

You'll recover.

From the loss, that is.

TEN REASONS WHY THE LOSS TO OHIO IS NOT EVEN AS CLOSE TO AS BAD AS THAT FRIED BURGER THING FROM LEO'S

1. You don't go to the university of ohio

2. Now you don't have to pretend to be a fan of college basketball.
-If you are a girl, you now have more time to look at handbags online and not buy them.
-If you are a guy, you now have time to check you stocks. And your facebook. And if the girl you like commented on your status that was directed towards her.

3. You don't have to play basketball at yates to 'get in the mood.' Which is a huge relief, because your basketball skills are more embarrassing than Jeff Foxworthy's mustache.

4. You don't have to refer to basketball players as if you know them personally. Well, at least until next year.

5. Hey baby (if you'll be my girl) was starting to get annoying

6. We have been saving up our good stuff points the last two seasons so that we can win a national championship next year. If you don't know what good stuff points are, shame on you. If you still don't know what good stuff points are, talk to your doctor about the risks of your continued existence.

just kidding.

7. you weren't watching the game anyway. you were on your blackberry.

8. You're bracket is probably still alive because since you go to Georgetown, you didn't pick them.

9. ohio doesnt have THE CORP! or THE CREDIT UNION! or NSO! or GAAP! or ANYTHING! AHH!!!
*though 10 dollars says their internet connection doesn't depend on media adapters

10. A case Natty light is still $13 at towne.


there is only one counter point to this nearly flawless argument:

Ohio has the Shaqtus. Georgetown can only 'talk about practice'

And lets be honest. we had a great season. we beat duke. everyone knows they are our biggest rival.

But seriously, we did have a great season. We squeezed some orange in the garden, exploded for a supernova against some weakling wildcats, and came a travel-luck chuck away from being crowned champions of this big thing called the east.

Assuming everyone comes back, next year is going to be a bigger party than that one the s club once had.

Here's the breakdown:

Chris Wright: his explosive speed and will to win will increase to dangerous levels during a senior year. so dangerous that the Hoyas will probably have to hire chester the cheetah to create one of those 'dangerously cheesy' meters

Austin Freeman: Gotta give him props for everything hes been through. He's a great player. and thats just the way it is. some things will never change.

Greg Monroe: Some analyst once told me that he passes really well for a big man. Only once, though.
-if Greg stays, it'd be hard to imagine us not in the top 5

Jason Clark: A huge improvement from last season. Look for him to get more aggressive in the lane. Against Uconn next year he'll probably explode for 40 points, going 8-9 from the trey line

Julian Vaughn: Terrific role player. Positions himself very well for a big man- he's always in the right place at the right time. Look for him to step up. like that movie with channing tatum.

Hollis Thompson: Hollis. He's so hot right now. Hollis*
-really came into his own late in the year. look for him to mature next year both offensively and defensively. he'll be a scary sixth man.

*watch zoolander

The Benimonster: He'll continue to play down and dirty. He's kind of like the silent bob of georgetown basketball. simply put, he gets the job done. very solid freshman campaign

Vee Sanford: Steadily gained confidence throughout the year. He'll develop into a very dependable player. kind of like the chevy malibu of college basketball. look for his minutes to increase next year.

Henry Sims: His personality is great for team chemistry. If he puts on some weight, he can turn into a lethal weapon. or even a lethal weapon 2.

Ryan Dougherty, Steven Stepka: Gotta credit the walk ons. They show tremendous heart every day, even if you don't see them on the court. People will continue to cheer them madly when they see the court. Props to you guys.

Nate Lubbick, Markel Starks: Look for these freshman to 'do something crazy'


Yea, we may have lost to rutgers. but they have frats. ew.

give it up for these guys.

also: though no one technically graduated, the loss marks the end of cheerleader Eric Cusimano's immaculate career. Eric will be honored further soon. Were gonna miss you, Eric.

coming soon to a theater near you: Why the cheesecake factory is a bigger disgrace than the movie 'Blades of Glory'


song of the day:

This is in honor of everyones favorite moose, Greg Monroe. we love you, greg


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Potatoes, people named flanagan, and lucky charms

St. Fratricks day.

The bagel store in my home town had green bagels on st fratricks day. I used to think they were the best things ever. Kind of like this thing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AiSMNfCAfbI

Anyway, one sad day, I grew up. And then i realized green bagels actually tasted no different than regular plain bagels.

that was a sad day indeed. someone somewhere probably wrote a country song about it. but nobody really listened to it because only 4 out of every 100 people like country music.

Speaking of bagels, I have some riddles for you:

What kind of bagels do they sell at the airport?

What kind of bagels do they sell at the inflatable coin store?

What kind of bagels do they sell at the spicy grape farm?

What kind of bagels do they sell at drug cartels?

What kind of bagels do they sell at Ali Baba's cave?
(submitted by the esteemed Ari Khuner Haber)

What Kind of Bagels does 3oh3! eat?




Answers (in order): Plain, Pumpernickel, Cinnamon Raisin, Poppy, Sesame, Biali's

The last one didn't actually mean anything


Sorry for the short post. I have to go pretend to celebrate st. fratricks day. o'douls. thats an irish thing, right?


song of the day: be irresponsible and go drink


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

clap once, clap twice

Today we have a guest post.....

clap, dammit. and you better not be doing one of those halfhearted claps that you only do because everyone else is clapping. if you don't clap, you'll look worse than draco malfoy when everyone in the entire great hall but him gave a standing ovation to pay their respects for cedric diggory after voldemort killed him. yea, you'll look that bad. i guarantee it. and i don't even work for mens warehouse. but i did stay at a holiday inn express last night.

hope you got the point. now read the wondrous words of dajustin eisenbandovic. its quite comedic.


Before I begin, I feel it is only proper to pay respects to rapper Young Joc who died today at the age of 27. The apparent cause of death is exhaustion. Sources tell us that Young Joc had recently been growing weary as everywhere he went “it was going down.” His friend who wishes to remain anonymous had this to say: “Yeah I met Joc in the mall and then later in the club a few weeks ago and it was definitely goin down.” Representatives for Mr. Joc are accepting donations in his name to the Relaxation Fund which encourages people to never guarantee that wherever they go “it is indeed going down.”

Judging from watching one episode of their show, I’m guessing school was one place where it was not very difficult to keep up with the Kardashians.

Best Jobs for an Amputee

1) Waitress at IHOP

2) Tester for Gallows

3) Illustrator for Ernest Hemingway’s A Farewell To Arms

Smokey the Bear had the worst slogan. “Only YOU can prevent forest fires.” Well that’s just not true we have fire departments and environmentalists working on these problems everyday. Charging an 8 year old kid watching cartoons with a major environmental conservation effort is downright mean.

Maybe I was the only one paying attention, but did anyone notice the Scooby Doo and Shaggy both ate the same brand of Scooby Snacks? If Scooby Snacks were human food, then Shaggy should probably watch out for PETA because they will probably want to burn down his house for being irresponsible. If they were dog treats then I think they must have been smoking something in that mystery machine.

If you hadn’t heard Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for Best Actress a little over a week ago. I know you were probably thinking “How could this happen?” Well, I wasn’t about to stand by and watch this travesty occur without getting to the bottom of it. So I did some research Wiki-Wiki on Wikipedia. It turns out Sandra Bullock is married to Jesse James. That’s right. Known outlaw and notorious bank robber Jesse James. It is clear that these two conspired to steal the Oscar for Sandra away from much more well deserving candidates. I guess we were all “Blind sided” by that one huh?

Also, things Sandra Bullock may or may not have done…

Shoot JFK from the grassy knoll

Attempt to destroy the island as the Smoke Monster on Lost

Foil Jack Bauer’s attempt to save the president

Kidnap Harrison Ford’s family

Be in the movie Ms. Congeniality 2 Armed and Fabulous


In memory of Willie the greatest dog ever to roam to streets of Boca Raton the puppy of the day is a Wheaten Terrier.

http://puppydogweb.com/gallery/softcoatedwheatenterriers/softcoatedwheatenterrier_andrews.jpg

Song of the day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5WzRc3u5ac



Well done. Well done indeed.

song of the day part 2: you can't always get what you want (Glee cast). riveting stuff.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Gar, Peter

Everyone likes new and interesting music. Well, except for that kid who doesn't own an article of clothing that isn't black. He only likes disturbed and megadeth.

No dissing that guy. He seems pretty happy rocking out to 'down with the sickness,' so we should let him be. plus, society needs those guys. If they didn't exist, there would be nobody to own thrift stores and liqour stores that seem intimidating at first but never actually card because they all started drinking at age 12.

In the social family tree, these guys are the infinitely cooler cousins of hot topic shoppers. Come on, the only bracelets these guys wear are the ones with those spiky things.

Anyway, if you aren't one of these people who refuse to smoke cigarettes anywhere else than scary dark alleys, I have some new and interesting music for you.

No, LFO didn't come out with a new album. sorry if i got your hopes up..

College kids love mashups. but all most of you know is girl talk and super mash bros. heres 5 mashups that you will appreciate more than those cheerleaders. 2, 4, 6, 8. I wonder why they hate odd numbers. Maybe that guy odd todd gave them all bad grades in middle school geometry or something.

1. Circle of Fifths, Milkman


some samples: Still the one (orleans), lean on me (bill withers), viva la vida (coldplay), here it goes again (ok go), some hardcore gangsta rap.

2. The Legion of Doom: The Quiet Screaming


Brand news the quiet things no one ever knows mixed with dashboard confessionals screaming infidelities. more immaculate than morgan freeman's voice.

3. Just let it Tok: DJ Jewboy


Let it rock vs. tik tok vs. just dance. and theres even some gucci mane thrown in. a muscial orgasm.

4. If i were a free falling boy: Dj earworm


its the soothe fairy

5. My name is back in black: MTV mashups


listening to this will cause you to use up all your music good stuff points, so be careful




we dont have enough music on this one, so i probably shouldn't have a song of the day. i probably shouldn't be all sarcastic either.

nothin on you: b.o.b. ft. bruno mars



ps. comment! i really want to hear your feedback, i don't care if you like what i have to say or not. i am here to serve you, so you are pretty much the rick ross boss.


heres another great one, submitted by the man, the myth, the legend, robby lewis. its tipsy from st louis' finest (j kwon) and island in the sun.


















Friday, March 12, 2010

Let me take you to the milky way, on a holiday

A list of things you have fallen off the earth in the past five years
1. Milky Pens
2. Beepers
3. Gateway Computers
4. Sega Dreamcast
5. Tyreese
6. Shawn Kemp
7. Nick Carter
8. Aaron Carter
8. The repair man man man man man
9. Gak
10. sidewalk chalk
11. Rich Eisen
12. Clarissa Explains it all
13. Garrison Hearst
13. Conagra foods
14. MCI
15. that show was 'for the birds'
16. Ashanti
17. Polly-o string cheese
18. Frookies
19. something was 'hunky dory'
20. Notre Dame football and winning
21. Kevin Pittsnogle
22. Pat Summerall
23. Black eyed peas and good music
24. Clothing made by 'south pole'
25. a 'walkman'
26. overalls
27. radio disney
28. amanda bynes
29. koosh balls
30. flirting without using text messaging
31. Boy meets world


And to conclude our glorious list, heres the song of the day:




Thursday, March 11, 2010

Hipsters Don't Lie

Esteemed readers,


First off, I want to apologize for dissing the 90's as badly as I did. It was almost as unwarranted as Russell Crowe's behavior towards telephones. Though you can't entirely blame him. He probably thought he was still on the set for Gladiatior.



The point is, loving the 90's is not original. Everyone else played Pogs too. Which, by the way, should teach us all the dangers of using drugs. Because the creator of that excuse for an activity was definitely on something.



Before i continue with my untrendy-ness rant, heres a story I think you'll all enjoy.


Yesterday night the big e six mafia and I took a trip to the magnificent palace that is the smithtown movie theater. Being the Jimmy Neutron boy genius that I am, I decided that we should buy tickets at the automatic ticket tron thing so that we could get child tickets and save some loot. Because honestly, all our wallets are down like the economy.


The movie happened to be rated R, so buying child tickets made a lot sense. Well, at least the guy that checked our tickets thought so. I'll give you a play by play.

Movie employee dudester (in an accusatory tone): You guys are not twelve years old.

Evan and I: Nope

Movie employee dudester: Ok then. Enjoy the show

********************************************

7 Things that were once cool but are now older news than print journalism (parts 3 and 4)

Aeropostale: Sorry for those of you who rep the 87 (thats the number they put on all their stuff), but Aeropostale is like, so 2004. To give you some proof, I walked into that once happening store the other day only to find that their soundtrack consisted of Yellowcard, Good Charlotte, and the Goo Goo Dolls. All good bands, but come on now. Do they really expect to compete with the Passion Pit, Phoenix, and 'Hey Soul Sister' compilation put together by their friends over at American Eagle?

You had a good run, Aero. But LaCoste, Vineyard Vines, and the new AE have all decided to make the same exact clothes as you. And since they are newer and you are not old enough to be considered 'vintage,' Aeroha means goodbye.

Internet Explorer: The search engine that was once more dominant than Beatles Cover Bands at 60th birthday parties has officially been given its AARP card. Heres why:

-People who use internet explorer never have stickers on their computers, a sure sign of trendiness
-People who use internet explorer don't have mac's. ew.
-People who use internet explorer probably also use Encarta. and no one has heard of encarta for at least 10 years
-Google chrome is the new thing, man. You don't use chrome? Its the best, man.
-You could not believe your sox, with 10 million firefox
-People who use internet explorer use 'Ask Jeeves' as their search engine.
-People who use internet explorer may still be using Windows 95
-People who use internet explorer probably make jokes about computers. And everybody knows that techie jokes are more unfunny than Jimmy Fallon. And he was in Fever Pitch.


Speaking of unfunny comedians....


Song of the Day:

Be Like That: Three Doors Down





















Tuesday, March 9, 2010

It was all a dream

The last few posts have been almost as excruciatingly long as that car ride home from when you REALLY have to go the the bathroom. And since everyone knows thats the worst, i'll weave through the traffic and cut the intro. just for you.

7 Things that were once trendy but are now older news than print journalism:
(parts 1 and 2)

1. Liking the 90's:

Sorry, you aren't unique for listening to Third Eye Blind, the Spin Doctors, and Soundgarden. I know its your persona (and thats fine, its mine too), but just to let you know, hating the backstreet boys in 4th grade and now loving them is just about as original as the background music in Flo-Rida's most recent songs.
Also, don't give me that crap about how 'you remember it. ' if you were born the same year as me, you were only SIX when Tupac bit the dust. I'm sure all the other first graders were morning his loss too.
Obviously we all know that the 90's was 'da bomb.' But lets be honest. You don't remember close to as much as you claim you do. So for all of you beanie baby collecting, tamagotchi caring, scrunchy donning, super-nintendo playing lovers of Dawson's creek, heres a quick reality check:

-The macarena isn't that cool of a dance. its kinda creepy
-Princess Diana's death wasn't the most important passing of your lifetime. Michael Jackson, anyone?
-Furbies are annoying
-'Friends' is now culturally irrelevant.
-I know you loved space jam, but watch it now. its just awful.
-Toys R Us is going out of business everywhere
-You're not the only one who thinks old Green Day was better. its common knowledge.
-Believe it or not, Britney Spears is flirting with 30
-The simpsons isn't really that funny anymore

** Despite all this, are you afraid of the dark is still scary. and light-up sneakers are still cool.

Ash Ketchum, AKA Jesus


2. Blue Tooth:

Need I say more about these hideous ear fangs? In case you never go the heads up, the auditions for Van Helsing already happened.

this guy can't actually be serious



Biggie died 13 years ago today. sniff, tear. lets honor him with the song of the day:

The Notorious B.I.G.
Juicy (1994)




Saturday, March 6, 2010

Vernal equinox acceleration

sprawling shorelines. incessant partying. beautiful people. no class. no worries.

no, I am not talking about life at the University of Miami.

For many of you, this week will be spent lazily waking up after 1 pm still hungover from the night before, driving 5 minutes to get really cheap burritos while trying to piece together last night, lying on the beach all afternoon while working on your tan that you'll probably lose a week after going back to school, lying on the beach all afternoon pretending to read a book so you could seem somewhat sophisticated even though sophistication has no place in booze beach, mexico- but its ok because you are reading that tucker max book so its not actually a real piece of literature, lying on the beach all afternoon pretending to read said books but instead furtively checking out really attractive college age women that you will never end up talking to, taking a nap, having a mojito with dinner that is actually much stronger than you think it is, checking facebook while uploading some 'sick' photo's, pregaming a little too hard, going to a concert on the beach that is so crowded that you don't even get to see the second-tier rapper* that is performing, drinking some more, trying to hook up with some girl but settling for getting her number, crashing back at that really cheap house you and your buddies somehow managed to corral for the week, ordering 5 pies of pizza**, and passing out somewhere that isn't your bed.

*fat joe
**you are blacked out at this point so you don't realize you charged all the cardboard (i mean pizza) to your credit card until the following morning.

-------------------------------------------

spring break. a time for overly obnoxious and exceedingly classless behavior. all for the unbeatable price of little to no consequence. order now, and well even throw in a sombrero.

welcome to the good life. featuring t pain.

yea, a week defined in terms of a kanye west song does sounds like tons of fun. but to be completely honest, i think you could do better.

Much better.

No, I'm not here to berate all you people who went on MTV spring break and had 'the sickest time ever, man. All i'm saying is that sometimes there is more to life than trying to find words to describe this girl without being disrespectful .

To validate my point, lets examine the life of a typical college kid. For all intended purposes, lets give him a name and a body of work. This way, you could "like totally see where hes coming from."

Blake Davidson is a marketing major and sociology minor from 'the suburbs' New Jersey. Blake's typical week gives it up a little something like this:

Sunday: Blake officially wakes up at 1:19 pm, even though hes been lying around in bed for about 44 minutes now. Because his friends 21st birthday party last night wasn't really as good as he thought it would be, he is not that hungover. After lazily sauntering to the kitchen to make himself some variety of instant breakfast, he'll spend the rest of the day watching sportscenter, spending an unnecessarily long time at the gym, showing up slightly late to the meeting of that one student group he is a part of, and working on a case study with his marketing group at that student center where people go to when they aren't doing serious work.

Monday-Wednesday: Blake will wake up at a time that is way too early for college kids, but way too late for the rest of society. He will attend 5 out of his 6 classes, but only take notes in 2 of them. He will have 4 tall black coffees, but add way too much sugar in one of them so he will have to throw it out halfway. Blake will go to the gym 1.3 times, watching Training Day, make eggs, not do laundry, and stay up really late one night writing a paper/studying for a midterm. He got an A-, which he is happy with because he definitely could have put more effort into it.

Thursday: Because he is done with class rather early, Blake will spend the afternoon jamming with his friends. There is a good chance that Blake smokes weed, so he will probably do that as well. His friend will introduce him to a new song that Blake likes so much he will immediately download it on some illegal file sharing website and proceed to listen to it 27 times within the next three days.

Friday: Party

Saturday: Pregame. attend sports game. take a nap. party.

More or less, Blakes entire life is one big open bar. And now he's gonna go spend an entire week hanging with jose cuervo? I mean, Jose is a good guy, but I think he could get to be too much after a night or two.

So heres what i'm saying. Don't go on that raucous vacation that Will Ferrell would star in if it were turned into a movie. Yea, it would be fun. But if you spend your entire life balling in the fast lane, you won't be able to enjoy the scenery. or the nice breeze.

What you should REALLY be doing over spring break

1. Go on one of those school sponsored trips to New Orleans or Costa Rica to do community service and build houses. Not only is doing something like that internally rewarding, but you will learn things about yourself that you would never have found out otherwise. you will become close friends with people that you never would have met had you lived la vida loca. most importantly, you will be able to give back to those less fortunate. i know that may sound like some automated rhetorical bullshit, but it shouldn't. think about it. you are privileged enough to attend an institution of higher learning. only one out of every one hundred individuals in the entire world have that opportunity. no joke.
at a university, you could do anything from from engaging in groundbreaking scientific research to winning a national championship. in other words, the world is at your fingertips. its your responsibility to extend them.

2. Go home.

yea, i know, all of your friends are either in school or in panama city. yea, i know, your town sucks. yea, i know, spending too much time with them makes you crazier than Tyler Durden.

i have some advice for you. stop crying.

first of all, you're home for a week. second of all, your parents will be completely thrilled that you are home. and being that they are the reason that you have the opportunity to go to school in the first place, you kind of owe them.
plus, you get to sleep in your own bed. and believe it or not, the clocks ticking on that joyride.

i understand that there may be absolutely nothing to do. but that may not be a terrible thing. i mean, your liver would definitely be grateful for the break (that is, if its not already on sick leave). and lets get real for a second. you probably sit around most of the time watching tv anyway, so why not just move to a more comfortable house with a healthier and more abundant food selection?

and if theres really nothing to do, take the car out for a ride, make some cds and blast music. if some 40+ driver stares you down as you pull up next to them at the red light because everyone and their neighbor could hear your pumping stereo, you've done your job.

and if thats not enough-which it will be unless you are harder to impress than that coach who has never compliment anybody on the team ever- you could even try and get ahead on your school work.

yea, i went there.


point is, you have the whole year to put you're hands up while they're playing your song.

take a week to appreciate the lyrics to your life.


song of the day:

Norwegian Recycling: Acoustic Alchemy



PS: if you are a senior in college, you could disregard this post for the most part. you only have two months until the end of the world as you know it. live it up.


























Thursday, March 4, 2010

BREAKING NEWS

In a striking development, Georgetown University officials had a meeting about something productive.

Not just that, but they passed an amendment? who knew*?

P!nk did, she wrote a song titled that.

Anyway, this is an informational article. No more jokes. Other than those pictures that are up in midnight mug. they are scary. and nobody knows what they mean. yea, thats a terrific set of artwork, but i am going in there to drink some coffee and maybe listen to their outstanding song selection consisting of All time low, lil wayne featuring robin thicke, passion pit, and Kids (mgmt remix) by chiddy bang. frightening artwork belongs there just as much as that cheer captain who wears short skirts belongs with the guy in that taylor swift video. you know. the best video of all time.

Back to the future. or present. thats what i meant.

In a groundbreaking development, Georgetown University Officials unanimously approved a motion to support, promote, and foster Greek Life on Campus.

The move apparently came after Dartmouth sent the administration a copy of Animal House with a note tied to it that said "St. Elmo's Fire? Really? You have to be UNDER 21 to get into thirds. come on now"
The news has created tremendous excitement amongst one Georgetown's most esteemed, well respected, and powerful communities.

Sorry Corpies, im actually being serious this time. I'm talking about the Jesuits.

Said resident Jesuit Father Peter Catholicism "We couldn't be morus excitedus. Greek life is something that the University has had a strong affinity for. It's just that all the students here have had a strong history of hating partying and having fun, so we didn't want to pressure them. But with the recent state of the economy, we figured the time was right to spend money on something actually useful."

The plan, which will be put into effect as soon as 'students get those sticks out of there asses and just man up already,' will not only radically alter social life at the hilltop, but will also include some major renovations on campus. Operation 'Finally Raging, its About Time,' (more commonly known as F.R.A.T.) calls for some major construction on that side of campus that no one actually goes to.
Once put into action, Operation F.R.A.T, will require the complete destruction of Darnall Hall (finally), St. Marys (which i only found out the other day was actually a building), and that parking lot all the way by reservoir road thats supposed to be part of the hospital even though no one has parked there since John Thompson Sr.

The end result will be a glorious new housing development, reserved exclusively for the popped collar brotherhoods and sisterhoods who wish to engage in this really scary concept known as, 'Greek Life.' And yes, it is scary. Because 'Greek' is a foreign land. And being that Georgetown has no emphasis on internationalism, joining such an organization would be a bigger risk than exing out of facebook on lau 2.

Students have had mixed results about the change in landscape, citing a major drop in both living comforts and social opportunities.

Said Jack O'lastname (SFS 13), "I'm pretty upset about the whole thing. I live in Darnall now, and its just a great place to spend your freshman year because it has all the comforts anyone could ever want. The shower water is always hot, the elevators are really fast, and the rooms are just so spacious. They even have enough room to put up all of my posters and referendums about politicians that nobody else has ever heard of."

When asked why and how he has such posters, O'Lastname responded, "They allow me to flaunt my political knowledge to girls I bring back. Girls these days love pretentious guys."

That they do, Mr. O'Last Name.

"Oh, and my Dad got them for me at that really important people convention," he added.

Catherine Miller (Col 12) also disproved of the change.
"By taking away Darnall they are also taking away Epicurean. And like (pauses to adjust her coach bag), what am I going to do on a Saturday night without Epi!? Its just sooo much fun. I always have enough room to dance, and guys are never on top of me. Plus, the music is always new and interesting. They never overplay songs ever. And its only $10! Its soo worth paying."

Miller then 'stepped out for a second' to take a phone call on her blackberry. She returned an hour later, citing that 'her bestie who i haven't talked to in foreverrrr just called. Oh, i love her.'

"Now that Epi's gone, I don't know what I am going to do." she added. "I can't imagine these frats and sororities doing anything fun. Hopefully they'll come up with some new place to have parties. "

Miller and O'Lastname aren't the only one's dissatisfied with the development. Members of SigEp, AEPi, and B-Frat, all off-campus fraternities unofficially affiliated with Georgetown, have expressed extreme displeasure.

"Its just that since we were kind of flying solo, we built this really good relationship with the school," said Samuel Epstein, Master of AEPi's Georgetown chapter. Being that we are mostly Jewish, Georgetown has always been very accepting of our aims. They have always supported us with whatever we needed. But now that this is happening, were just gonna be like everyone else. And what's even worse is that now were gonna have a house."

"I'm kind of bummed, man" added Brony Hawk, current President of B-Frat. "It's kind of like, come on dude."

Upon completion, operation F.R.A.T. should boast 20 new houses, all exclusively designed for fraternities and sororities. Despite all Georgetown's zoning laws, University Officials have been able to bypass many of the traditional regulations. In fact, the only requirement is that these houses provide enough space for "Shawty to call 9-11, in case there is a fire burnin on the dance floor"

Among the chapters rumored to start up on the hilltop include Sigma Alpha Mu, Beta Rho Omega, and Lamda Alpha Chi

Joe Hoya (MSB 12), an employee at vineyard vines, is pretty torn on which fraternal organization to join, citing that 'they're all flat our sweet choices.'

"I do like flatbread sammies from quiznos," said Joe. "Gotta love the Q. But I mean, the sister sorority of Beta Rho Omega is really hot. I really want some of that."

The largest demographical sore thumb in the history of forever, aka New Jersey, seems to be pretty excited about the new party scene. New Jersey native Matty 'the truth' Raviolioni, one of five Italians on campus, had this to say about operation FRAT.

"Finally, yo. The clubs great for fist pumping, but 'the truth' is only revealed at the frat parties... Shots?"

In preparation for increased debauchery, Georgetown Department of Public Safety has released the following statement:

"Let me see your Go Card."

The change has generated tremendous enthusiasm amongst the Georgetown Community. Allison Leavey-O'Donovon, a longtime Burleith resident, couldn't be happier.

"Its about time the University takes a sensible stance on such a pressing issue," said Leavey-O'Donovon. "College is a time for fun, loudness, and overly obnoxious behavior. Us neighbors understand that. But lets be honest. These kids just don't know how to party. Its gotten so bad that i've had to call SNAPS almost every week."

SNAPS, which stands for Some Noob-Ass Party Stinks, is an organization responsible for breaking up parties that the community deems 'undesirable.' SNAPS is currently experiencing its most active year ever.

These record numbers are obviously a complete embarrassment to anyone associated with Georgetown. Thankfully, we have an administration who cares enough to rectify the problem.

Jesuit Catholicism summed it best:

"Frat, Frat, Frat."





song of the day: ATC, Around the World




ps: that didn't actually happen







Tuesday, March 2, 2010

are there kids from westchester who don't wear plaid shorts?

I've been told that I ramble when I write. For those of you who don't like it, I apologize.

Well actually, I don't really apologize. First of all, its too late to do that. Second of all, thats my style, and you aren't going to cramp it. because cramps are uncomfortable and nobody likes them. other than that guy you always see running around town everywhere you go. you have actually never seen him doing anything else but running. You know that guy? yea, me too. theres one in every town.

But unlike the Allman brothers band, I was not born a rambling man. consider the following reasons:

-i was not born a man. lets be serious here. everyone knows that the only person that was born a post-pubescent hulkster is vin diesel.
-Rambling is an acquired skill. one is not born with it. its kind of like Jean Claude Van Damme's acting abilities.

were gonna have to fault my assistant for that last reference. he thought jean claude van damme was actually talented. psshh.

**I actually don't have a full-time assistant. I borrowed one for the day from that kid in the business school


Party theory, continued

The way i put it there, it sounds like a legitimate subject. who knew?

The Ferdinand Magellan: In every sense of the word, this guy is an explorer. In fact, he has circumnavigated the party not once, not twice, but about 50 bagillion times. yes, bagillion.

When at the party, Ferdinand is never in the same place for 30 seconds. Its not really his fault though. because if he stopped to chat about something that was actually meaningful, he wouldn't be able to make his scheduled trip from the dance floor to the kitchen to the beer pong table to the keg to the kitchten to out back to the kitchen to the bathroom to the dance floor back to the kitchen to the beer pong table.
Why is Ferdidand so adamant in his quest to sail to all ends of the party earth? Nobody knows. and thats whats so scary about it. I mean, it would be completely understandable if he didn't know anyone at the party and thus tried to fit in by wandering around aimlessly pretending to find someone he knew. But oddly enough, Ferdinand actually knows most people at there. Yet he downright refuses to hold a conversation of any significance.
consider the typical ferdinand:

Ferdinand (overly joivially. like he hasn't seen you since preschool.): HEY MAN, WHATS GOOD?

Partygoer 1: Ferdinand! The man, the myth, the legend himself. how goes it?

Ferdinand: Not bad, not bad....(pauses, as if to introduce actual substance to the chat).. I'm gonna go check out the back. i'll catch you later bro.

And before partygoer one could say his farewells, ferdinand is long gone.

I don't get it. It'd be one thing if he made it a point to talk to someone else. but he never does. and whats even weirder is that he is always initiating the conversation that he has no interest in having. In many ways, ferdidand is like those girls who obsessively text guys that they don't have any interest in. o well. i guess everyone in the world can't be rational. look at al davis.

So for all you magellan's out there, i have some advice for you. lower the sails. drop the anchor. get your land legs back. because i don't know if you've heard, but they invented this thing called gps.

song of the day:

Jesse McCartney ft. T-Pain: Body Language