Saturday, February 27, 2010

You B-log with me

sup kidsters.

i've been having this string of really really good days in a row. kind of like the opposite of things lemony snicket writes about.

by the way, thats a pretty cool name. the only problem i forsee with that thrilling title if that he is out on a date or something, and his date thinks that the citrus placed in the water has given it too strong a flavor, he may take it badly when she announces 'this thing is way too lemony'

bad joke. but cut me some slack. i can't hit home runs every time. if i did, i'd be in a matt christopher book. and being that he has two first names, ill pass on that one.

its just a saturday. i asked miley cyrus what she was thinking about, but then she couldn't breathe. It was actually pretty scary. plus, i was the only one in room with her. someone might of thought i murdered her or something.

overall, it could have been a terrible tragedy. luckily though, i called up my good friend dr. jack shephard to remedy the situation. it ended up that she was having an asthma attack and had forgotten her inhaler. what a silly girl.

her best friend leslie thought the whole thing was pretty funny.

Gettin slizzard, part 2: Norman the Doorman

Norman is an interesting phenomenon. in many ways he is like platform 9 and 3 quarters, cause he effectively serves as the gateway between the boringness that is the muggle world and the magically disco superfly party that is raging directly behind that holy entranceway he is guarding so zealously.
If you didn't know norman, you would think that song 'macho macho man' was written about him. sadly, thats not the case. because in real life, norman runs from confrontation faster than guys at sports games turn heads when they see erin andrews. simply put, norman is kind of like wolfgang from hey arnold. he can't run with the 5th graders, so he picks on the helpless 4th grade class.
this explains why norman is not actually in the party. smartly, he assumes a position of unrivaled power so that no matter what, he can never be threatened. Kind of like morgan freeman. why else do you think he always plays the role of God?

*no dissing our boy morgan, but have you ever seen alanis morrissette in dogma? baruch atah adonai to that outstanding acting display.

Norman takes his job more seriously than your lab partner who reads the directions about 15 times, insists on doing the entire operation herself even though you guys are supposed to be working together, relegates you to getting her beakers and what not, and then yells at you if you even try participate in the actual experiment. basically, norman means business. if you're not on the guest list, you may as well throw it away, forget yesterday, and make the great escape from the premises. because insisting on getting in is just bad news. not only will norman not tolerate it, but because he doesn't have enough guts to cause you physical pain, he will stare you down more ferociously than a 10th grade girl chewing gum. and if you know anything about the vigorous, ruthless, and downright scary pace at which 15 year old girls chew gum, you will go to almost any lengths to avoid the doorman deadlock.
For whatever reason, norman actually hates parties. its just not his thing. he'd rather devise elaborate workout schemes which he never completes because he gets too tired, eat beef jerky and drink protein shirts galore, and go to the Adidas store so he could buy one of those warmup jackets that are slightly too small for him so his muscles get some bulge action and will thus be able to justify the fact that hes wearing xxxl sweatpants. Because we all know that the only people that are allowed to wear clothes 5 sizes to big for them are those who could be easily suspected for being on steroids.
Luckily, the door is a better niche fit for norman than the corp* is for the outgoing kid with decently long hair who wears vintage clothing and listens obsessively to phoenix and matt and kim, as the door allows norman to express his psuedo macho-ness in a way that will prevent him from actually doing anything to prove how tough he really is.

*georgetown joke. sorry if you aren't one of the chosen.

song of the day

story of the year: sidewalks

very emo, but good.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Thursday, February 25, 2010

gettin slizzard

did you hear about the kidnapping?

he fell asleep

Hopefully you still want to read, despite that joke.

Everything these days is really political. thats why im so into politics. in fact, i cant wait to express my opinion on that important issue because it relates in a big way to all those other important issues that are also really important and have a huge, huge, huge, impact on my everyday life. and i HAVE to express my opinion on these matters. Particularly bill 17b, amendment f, section 42.

and im being serious here. think about it. if i don't express my very valid, strong, and obviously correct opinion on that issue, whats the point of living in a democracy? because like, my vote is really influential and definitely directly impacts all those other laws that are passed that really affect my life. and since they affect my life so much, the person who I want to win has to win, because i know his stance on every single bill. and its not like hes going to completely deviate from his electoral positions when hes in office. that never happens. come on.

yea, i go to georgetown. hopefully everyone else here doesn't think like that. otherwise we'd be in more trouble than paris hilton that time when she went to jail for that really long period of time.

not a bad intro, don't you think? i promised you party theory, so lets get buck in here:

The Paul Wall: Paul's best friend is his last name. thats because when hes at the party, he never leaves him. what it do.
you'd think that at some point paul might get stiff, get thristy, or want to go talk to someone. Any of these occurrences would effectively force the usual person to leave his comfortable fortress located directly to the left of the dance floor. but not paul. consider the following reasons:
-Paul doesn't get stiff because his body has been leaning up against the wall for so long, it has actually seeped into the structure. thus, he could not move even if he wanted to.
-Paul does get thirsty. thats why he is holding a 3/8ths full cup of beer at all times. Amazingly however, he has not once made a trip to the keg. not just at this party. at any party. in fact, paul probably doesn't even know what a keg looks like, because the keg is all the way in the back. And even if there weren't 200 people awkwardly moving their bodies in a choppy mechanical way that isn't really in sync with the beat lodged in between paul and the keg, paul STILL wouldn't have moved from his spot.
-paul doesn't talk to people. people talk to paul. and when i mean people talk to paul, i mean girls talk to paul. and when i mean girls talk to paul, i mean that paul thinks hes so cool that he doesn't even have to say anything and the girl will automatically make out with him on the spot. and since he is so strategically positioned, he doesn't even have to move. how convenient.

Overall, paul is too cool for the party. thats why he doesn't partake in it. in fact, sometimes paul even brings his own headphones that are somehow louder than the music playing at the party. yet amazingly, paul can still hear you over his blarring playlist thats consists of DMX, busta rhymes, Ray j, crime mob, and juelz santana. aite.

by the way, paul is white. and he is probably wearing sweatpants. jeans would be too much effort. you have to button them.

If someone spilt beer on paul, he'd probably just shrug and continue texting that girl that he isn't really too interested in but this party is so boring so he might as well.

If you ever see a paul wall at the party, let them be. they are important to the dynamic. unless of course, you live in the house. I don't know about you, but I would rather not pay for a human-size hole in the wall.

song(s) of the day:

miss keke p.

keep it movin (ft. big meech):

keith urban: sweet thing

yes, i know some of you are all like. really? keith urban?

to you who say that, two things
-see last post
- i really enjoyed the comments from this devoted youtube user:
keith is kick ass
people call meh gay for liking his music but screw em i love his songs

Post disclaimer:

this is more serious, deep thoughtish than anything i have posted before. it doesn't flow (or hustle) with the rest of the blog. if you would like to skip to the next song on the playlist, i wouldn't be too offended. But if you are in one of those 'thinking' moods, read up.

you have been warned



Its beautiful because you don't know its there.

You go to college. you meet people. you study. you party. you have study parties. you make friends. you make enemies. you make frenemies.

you go to the dining hall. you go to the library. you go to the gym. you go to that club you are a part of because you are an interesting person and need to justify that interest by joining an organization so that other people think you are interesting, even though this club isn't the most rewarding and although it is sometimes fun, it tends to cut into a lot of your time and you wish you kind of toned down your involvement a little bit.

The way i just described that, it seems like your life is pretty boring. i don't mean to be judging you- my name isn't judy or anything. perhaps your life is more fulfilling than those really religious people that are infinitely happy that they have made peace with the L'awd. Hallelujah.

But then again, maybe its not. if you just hit the wall, and never had it all, I have some advice for you:

put your i-pod on shuffle.

maybe you haven't ate seafood in a while and are craving some good oceanside eats. Don't go to the dining hall. i know its easy and convenient and everyone else goes there, but sometimes its good to have a break in the monotony. don't be afraid to switch it up. the dining hall will always be there(unfortunately). Go to the tackle box instead. they have phenomenal fish taco's. .

join that club that you are very very interested in and know everything about because you have spent hours upon hours researching its mission and such but are slightly embarassed to join because you are afraid your friends won't approve and thus ridicule alienate you in some way. If they make you an outkast, they weren't really much of your friend in the first place. Plus, now you could hang out with andre 3000.

walk the longer, more scenic route to class. you may have to leave earlier, but it gives you more time to inhale.*

*no, im not talking about drugs.

run that extra lap at the gym. yea, i know that you are tired and may die mid-stride if you have to do more. but think of it this way:
-that would be one of the all-time coolest ways to die.
-theres gotta be more to life, than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me*
-you have the ability to keep running. if dory and marlin stopped swimming, finding nemo wouldn't have been a very good movie.
-this whole thing is a metaphor for something greater, but you probably have picked up on that by now

smile at someone you wouldn't ordinarily say hi to. You never know, you may have just smiled at your future wifey.

Putting your i pod (or zune, of course) on shuffle is definitely admirable. but I think you could do more:

Take someone else's i pod. listen to their music. step to their beats. dance to their rhythms. raise their roof.

If you don't, you won't have a chance to add their music to your library. And knowing them, they probably have some pretty good songs.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

suga suga how you get so fly

i was chilling with my homie celine the other day. you know, the usual stuff. driving around in the car, changing the radio between the same three stations because they all play the same music that we used to like a lot, but since the songs got overplayed so much we don't like them too much anymore. anyway, we started talking, and she asked me, "what do you say, to taking chances?"

There are a few things to note about that jumble of words:

1. Yes, i just referenced celine dion.
2. I mentioned that I was 'chilling.' This brings up a pretty important point in modern cool people talk. Although chilling metaphorically involves doing things that cool people would traditionally take part in (watching jersey shore, buying hair gel, loitering in town, or anything else that doesn't involve driving your sister to soccer practice and/or the sport of soccer in general), pronouncing the word 'chilling' in its entirety contradicts its overall message. Thus, you have to say that you are 'chillin.' otherwise, you will sound lamer than that guy in hey arnold who is always breathing behind helga. i believe his name is brainy. So for all of you jamiacan bobsled team members out there, just know that when you talk, you are not allowed to pronounce that last letter. Especially when you are chillin. otherwise you can't even feature lady gaga. We got that? Coo.

While we are on the subject of old nickelodeon shows, I would just like to mention that the hipster movement was started/launched/inspired/protested against/counter protested against/counter counter protested against/stopped/started again by 'Dougs' sister, Judy.

Today I decided to apply to this blog hub thing that these people at georgetown are trying to start. not only did that make me happier than those dancing people in the itunes commercials, but it also provided excellent blog material. For example, they asked me if I could have a superpower, what would it be?

I answered that I would like to fly because flying is sweet. consider the following reasons

1. Broomsticks are going out of style. They are a lot of work to maintain, they are expensive, and if you don't have the flashiest broomstick, draco might make fun of you. plus, they are kind of uncomfortable and hurt your butt.
2. I don't have access to a magic carpet
3. No offensive to southwest airlines, but i samuel l jackson isnt gonna be there every time to save me. and as for oceanic airlines? come on.
4. I could actually sing that R kelly song and not be lying
5. I could publicly call out rappers who claim that 'they're so fly.'
6. I wouldn't have to ask suga suga any questions
7. I wouldn't have to impress any girl ever again. I could just fly them to the moon.
8. annoys me. By flying, I wouldn't have to deal with their shenanigans
9. I could hang out with Jim Jones' crew. no lie. you know it.
10. If you don't end on an interval of 5, you don't deserve to be a list.

Props to the featured writers. They really came through in the clutch. pretty much the opposite of mighty casey at the bat.

anyway, sorry for my blogging hiatus. hell froze over, so i had to wait for it to melt. thankfully it did, so now im back here baby. missed you, wanted you, needed you so.

I know that I initially told you clowns that I would talk about procrastination, but if i did that, what kind of procrastinator would I be?

A bad one.

Thus, we will get to that at some point. just let me check facebook every 5 mintues, go on sporcle, read an article on espn, get food, play rockband, get more food, and check facebook again. o, and then i have to write 5 e-mails. Only one of them is actually important.

Anyway, the next little 'theme' we are gonna do was actually inspired by the e-six mafia. reading his post, that ingenious 'texting while dancing' move really got me thinking. and you all know what happens when i think.

well actually you probably don't. i don't even know what happens.

anyway, the next few posts are going to be a big party.even bigger than that one miley cyrus goes to.

why do I say this? well first of all, unlike her, i actually got the memo about the stiletto's. second of all, the next posts are going to be all about PARTY THEORY. wooooo!

i just used an exclamation point. that never happens, so that should give you an idea as to how excited i am.

Words of wisdom for the day: remember to charge your swag overnight, otherwise you probably won't be able to turn it on when you hop up out the bed.

song of the day is so good it speaks for itself

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

move your hips, do your thing

We got a new post by the e six mafia on the featured writers page. pretty inspirational stuff if you ask me.

thankfully this is the last abbreviated post, as i am done with midterm madness tomorrow. ace factor tells me that the blog is the new facebook. thats pretty inspirational stuff if you ask me. though you didn't ask me, but i told you anyway. i have telepathy. it is also 3 am and its not raining. or actually, i don't know if its raining because i am getting some boom boom lau. for those of you who found that statement more nonsensical than that plastic stuff on toothpics, lau is the library at the wonderful beacon of learning that is georgetown.

sorry for the delirium mysterium. i haven't gotten much sleep in the past few days. in fact, jesse mccartney was talking to me when he wrote that song. 24/7. 365. pretty inspirational stuff if you ask me

i know im not making any sense right now. but illogical is the new logical. watch an episode of lost.

anyway, we got all these featured writers hitting up the blog. i must admit that im honored. plus, they keep calling me the lance lance revolution. keep calling me that, and maybe ill be in a history textbook one day. that would be cool. but it would also kind of suck, because then i would cost you money. and as we all know the best things in life are f r e e. that spells free. credit baby.

so in a way these writers are stealing my thunder. but to be honest, im not too worried about my thunder, because it is rather loud, annoying, and almost as frightening as jacobin mugatu's fashion sense. as long as they don't steal my sunshine ill be fine. and that would never happen, caus i'd never even len(d) my sunshine to anybody. ever. so don't even try, you sneakster.

my bad about this excuse for a post. ill get back on track tomorrow with some real material.

song of the day (as requested by some avid blog readers. good work, this song is pretty inspirational stuff if you ask me):

Cam ron featuring juelz santana: hey ma

stay thirsty my friends,


Sunday, February 21, 2010

Sorry i haven't posted in awhile. i could make up some funny joke about why i haven't posted, but that would be circumlocution. And although that word is almost as cool as those dudes they hire to stand outside that urban footwear store that blasts the loud hip hop music, I would have to be a politician if i did that. and then i would have to pretend to be friendly to you and promise things that we both know aren't going to happen but nod our heads in tacit agreement because thats the societal norm. and i don't want to do that. i want to be friendly to you because i like you. i want to be friendly to you because you are more real than the housewives of orange county and dont deserve to be lied to. i want to be friendly so that we could hang out, drive around aimlessly on a drizzly saturday afternoon while listening to 'bittersweet symphony,' quote lines from some movie we both saw because now we got something in common, and go get some substandard chicken fingers from our favorite suburban eatery, friendly's.

sorry about that tirade. one of my goals is to join the sisterhood of the traveling rants, so i figured here is a good place to get started.

thankfully, because I have been about as reliable as the characters that vince vaughn plays in movies, my friends have come up huge.*

I know, the notion of me actually having friends is quite the hilarity.

but MOST IMPORTANTLY, we have a new featured writer this week. read the words of wisdom from (justin) the nick of time. He's kind of a big deal, and so is his post (see below). its riveting, smart, funny, and most importantly, true. except the part about sandra bullock.

as justin was so kind to provide an excellent song of the day, i will abstain for the time being. plus, trying to follow up jesse mccartney would be even more ridiculous than if steroided out guy from the gym drove a prius.

so without further ado, heres the man, the myth, the legend himself:


Hello and welcome to your new featured columnist. The name’s Bond. Eisenbond. Since I am currently entering my toughest week of the semester I decided what better way to procrastinate than become a columnist on the Lance Lance Revolution Blog. With my first column I had a few ideas but no overarching theme so here we go.

1. It’s Mario not Mareio. Our portly Italian friend deserves a correctly pronounced name.

2. Good News and Bad News.

Bad News : You are not the best at Super Smash Bros.

Good News: You had more of a life in sophomore year of high school than at least one other person.

3. Why are rappers so obsessed with the names Lil’ and Young? To name a few there are Lil’ Wayne, Lil’ Scrappy, Lil’ John, Lil’ Flip, Lil’ Kim, Lil’ Mamma, Young Jeezy, Young Joc, Young Buck, and Young Dro.

I am officially starting a new trend of rappers. My new rap name is Elderly, Gigantic Justin.

4. Business School students have less class and less work than you. Get over it. We’re still people too and we have feelings. Please stop calling us the Slytherin House even if He Who Must Not Be Named does enroll in the MSB.

5. Sandra Bullock is just awful. Stop telling me to see the Blind Side.

6. You can’t give yourself a nickname. (This is directed at the Asian kid I know who continually describes himself as Chocolate Thunder)

7. There should be a Jewish Olympics where Jewish athletes are allowed to compete against each other on a level playing field. Grouping us in the normal population is simply unfair and is highly intolerant.

8. If you can only learn one song on the guitar make it Wonderwall by Oasis. If you can learn more songs than all of them should be by Jack Johnson.

9. What was goin on with that cartoon Catdog? First of all it was just two heads and four legs. It couldn’t even go to the bathroom. Someone had to be doing some serious drugs to come up with this crap.

10. There are certain situations where certain lines from classic cartoons must be said. Examples include:

a. Whenever you’re around a baby pooping,

“A baby’s gotta do, what a baby’s gotta do”

b. Whenever a fire alarm goes off, unfathomable

“That’s right. I pulled the fire alarm and I’d do it again too. See!”

c. You have any kind of financial transaction with a woman named Susan, Sue, Susanna, Dr. Seuss, etc.

“You take the money, Susie!”

Similarly to Lance I would like to post a link to encourage your procrastination from work. However, my links will be somewhat different. My first link will always be a song that you like but you are embarrassed to admit. The guy walking past you in the library will therefore be able to call you a girl for listening to Donna Lewis’s “I love you, always forever.” On the plus side you get to listen to Donna Lewis’s “I love you, always forever” which is just a phenomenal song.

Jesse McCartney’s Leavin’

My second link will leave you with the puppy of the day. Because who doesn’t like puppies (except Lance. I know right? Lance doesn’t like cute puppies. What’s wrong with him?)

Enjoy a little Golden Retriever action.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Professional Crastination

when you wake up in the morning, chances are you aren't feeling like p diddy. though i don't know if thats necessarily a bad thing. i feel like p diddy probably wakes up with mad hangovers

today i woke up in the morning, and i certainly did not feel like p diddy. one, because im white. two because im pretty sure the time interval is up for when he has to change his name to something that is basically the same exact thing as his former name. three, because i figure every list should have at least three things in order to be perceived as legitmate, so i didn't want to end on two

but today, i woke up in the morning today feeling like shiite. like, if i was a follower of the islamic faith, i would not be a sunni. good thing i don't live in philadelphia. its always sunni there.

but for really, waking up on three hours of sleep is not exactly what i would classify as tons of fun. though i must admit, my sleep deprivation is entirely my fault. i go to college. thus, i am a professional crastinator. thus, all nighters are more inevitable than aaron carter's fall from grace. thus, i use the word thus a lot because when you are pulling an all nighter writing a paper, thus often becomes one of those go-to words that save time at five in the morning, because you don't have to waste any time hitting up bronthesaurus rex.

For most people, professional crastination is kind of like continuing to chew gum way after it loses its flavor. that is, the majority of you rickenheads view procrastination as a bat habit, or a useless routine. overall, you view your inability to do work at a 'normal' hour as something that is done for absolutely no reason whatsoever. and thus, ( the go-to word strikes again) it should be rectified so that at 4 am, you could be dreaming about martin luther king rather than reading about a dream that the MLK man once had. by the way, the big MLK must have had an outstanding REM cycle.

thus, your constant procrastination will often prompt you to make amends to yourself such as 'wow that sucked. i will never do that again because i am like, sooo tired, and like ohmygoshihaveneverevenlikestayedupthislatelookatthesun!' in real people terms, you will make vows to get work done early due to the fact that your circadian rhythm is far from iN sync. this i promise you.

i may be going out on a limb here, but i feel that the branches in this case are pretty sturdy, so im not too worried:

Don't immigrate. Even if you have to re-do getting your visa, full citizenship in the procrastiNATION is infinitely rewarding. like, even more rewarding than when you have a craving for hot dogs for about a month and then finally eat like five of them.*

that may or may not have just happened to me.

anyway, the rewards to procrastination are endless. and because they would take longer to write about than it takes for that kid in your group of friends who tells the longest and most unnecessarily drawn out stories to finally stop talking, it will be a tale for tomorrow. and the next day. and the next day. and maybe even the day after that.

song of the day:

mr. blue sky, electric light orchestra

its a beautiful new day. and i couldn't be more psyched about it. insert smiley face here.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

so apparently this e six mafia character* is more ruthless than lumberg is about tps reports and is demanding the song of the day. naturally it would be downright silly for me to deny this doe boy fresh this request, as I was too busy (not) studying in the library (come on, who actually spends all their time in the library actually studying) to provide y'all with one.

yea, i just said y'all.

*read last post

so heres the song of the day, as brought to you by the immaculate e six mafia himself

candy shop: dan finnerty and the dan band (as seen in the hangover)

i apologize for the lack of post today. i know some of you may never forgive me, but i hope that deep down you could find it in your right atrium to give me a pass on this one. im not making excuses, but georgetown has decided unleash its academic fury on me, thus forcing me to do more work than kobe. if I had a (new york) minute (featuring lindsey lohan) at any time today i would have blogged it up.

thankfully though, we have an update to the featured writer page. take a look.

stay fly till you die,

Lance (featuring e-six mafia)

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

The esteemed poetry group known as the Wu Tang Clan once asserted 'cash rules everything around me'

sorry boys. you aren't that special. cash actually rules everything around everyone. thats why everyone goes to qdoba on mondays.

**for those of you newbie miles' out there, qdoba has this sweet thing called half price monday

Due to this college stereotyping escapade, asher roth has been probably much more relevant than he should ever be. though thats not too bad of a thing. in fact, the hipsters/upton sinclairs are pretty psyched about it, cause it gives them yet another reason to have a protest.

now don't get me wrong. i think its a terrific song. but it would be stupid to say that it doesn't have flaws. to say that 'i love college' exhibits complete musical perfection would be about as accurate as the police report in superbad.

Things wrong with 'I love college'

-He wishes that we taped that party last night. I don't really think that is the best idea. If it was that awfully crazy, it would probably be incriminating in some way

-he 'danced his ass off,' but didn't go to the hospital, let alone go see a doctor. i don't know about you, but that sounds like something that should be treated

-Asher Roth says that he is 'nice right now.' Does that mean he is usually a rather nasty person?

-he wants to go to college for the rest of his life. unless he has the funds worthy of mr. deeds, it probably wouldn't be the most saavy investment. plus, why does he need to prepare for a career if he is just going to spend the rest of his life preparing for a career? its just illogical.

-the pizza that he gets (a dollar a slice) probably isn't of very high quality. unless its the new dominos. if you haven't tried it, its a revelation.

-if intends on buying that pizza, he probably will have to retract the statement 'good friends is all i need.' unless of course, his friends always pay for him and don't expect for him to pay them back

-he only averages 7 hours of sleep a night. thats just unhealthy.

-I don't think Hakeem Olajuwon was ever a beer pong champion. though iverson probably was.

-If he is so thirsty on thursday nights, why would he just 'sip' bankers club? clearly more heavy drink action is required for successful thirst quenching.

-He woke up today, and apparently all he could say was how crazy the party last night was. yet he continues to say other stuff in the song. clearly he is a liar.

-Putting your drink as high as you can is somewhat risky because you have a greater chance of spilling it. thus, you wouldn't be able to chug, chug, chug

*this idea was inspired by justin eisenband. you may not be aware, but he read this book called shutter island, which is actually coming out as a movie later this week

Since i know i could sometimes get more boring than Alan Rickman's tone of voice, I added a new section for featured writers. if theres anything you want to submit (and i mean literally anything), e-mail me at and ill put it up. right now, theres some lovely material from taylor swift that i found pretty riveting.

i have been told that these are too short. for that i apologize. i know that you are counting me on me to extend your procrastination time as long as humanly possible, so i will strive for consistency in frequency and length to the best of my ability. like spiderman, i am aware that with great power comes great responsibility

i think theres only one real choice for the song of the day:

asher roth: i love college

what a joke of a video

Monday, February 15, 2010

everyone always complains about how they have a case of the mondays. But they never do anything about it. like, if you are feeling that miserable, why don't you go to the doctor and get some medicine?

well, i guess it wouldn't always be the best bet to go to the doctor. cause usually it'll go away after a day. in fact, i've never heard of a case of the monday's lasting over 24 hours. what a weird disease. it just doesn't make sense. kind of like the guy who thought of writing a movie about a hot tub time machine.

Four out of the top 10 teams in college basketball are from the big east. thats 40% fort minor forgot to mention that in his song when he asks everyone to remember his name.

theres a really famous celebrity reading this blog, so i promised that this one would be extra extra funny. read all about it.

college stereotypes, continued

The Upton Sinclair: Upton doesn't like traditional college life, so he expresses himself in a way that demonstrates his hatred that is everything asher roth. he does this in the following ways.

-he goes to the library a lot, but instead of studying he spends all of his time smoking outside. in fact, you see him smoking so much that you consider buying him life insurance

-he is VERY into music, but you have never heard of any song on his i pod. actually, he has a zune. he hates anything mainstream, especially rap. but the worst part is, he cannot tell you the name of a single backstreet boys or n sync song.

- he further manifests his interest in music through his radio show, during which he plays bands that have names like 'dino velvet' and 'kettle chip city'

-he spends more time at coffee shops than anywhere else on campus

-the very last thing he would get involved in is student government

-he wears glasses even though he doesn't need them

-he shops at urban outfitters to compliment his lime green shoes that look like sneakers but are not really sneakers. in fact, this pseudo sneaker is probably its own company started by his friends older brother

-he does not own a pair of sweatpants.

-though everyone else would identify him as a hipster, he does not consider himself a member of hipsterville. yet he continues to describe everything as 'deck.' he is also a big fan of the word 'tragic.'

-his favorite movies are pulp fiction, a clockwork orange, and monty python. tragic.

-if upton goes to texas, usc, or michigan, he has never been to a football game. though upton is generally found at small liberal arts schools, so that is generally not a problem.

-upton has no friends that are republicans

-he would rather conintuously watch kazaam* for the rest of his life than join a fraternity
*insert equivalent worst movie of all time here

song of the day:

Little secrets: Passion pit

Sunday, February 14, 2010

saturday sunday happy days

sorry ive been m.i.a the past few days. though i never actually learned how to make paper planes. like when everyone else was in fourth grade doing there thing with old handouts and tests, i was stuck in the origami stage.

the winter olympics started. high schools all over the world are in crisis mode, as all their janitors are competing in curling.

in other news, georgetown has school tomorrow. these days thats as common as a bro who doesn't like o.a.r.

anyway, back to the college stereotypes

the asher roth: asher has experienced everything that is worth experiencing. asher often goes to school that is across the country when he could have easily gone to the state school everyone else goes to. but the local school didn't suffice, because to asher, college is all about 'doing something crazy' thats why asher is majoring in something that isn't necessarily a real subject. but its ok, because asher has this kind of aura around him that will land him a job. nobody really knows how to describe it, but hes just got that it-factor. thats why when he walks across campus everyone gives him a high-five or some other weird cool people handshake, because he is cooler than zach sawyer:

when you do see him, he talks about college with this rapt, starry eyed expression like hes talking about his newborn child. and because he is such a ridiculous person, you start to wonder if he actually has a newborn child.

though he is a great guy, you sometimes get annoyed at him, because he is always talking about how awfully crazy last night was. the way he talks makes it seem like you have no idea what it is like to go away, even though you are doing the same exact things as him. though thats not entirely true. because asher does some of the most ridiculous shit you have ever heard of and somehow manages to avoid the cops/public safety/arnold schwarzenegger every single time. asher has the worst fake id, but somehow manages to supply entire parties with alcohol.

asher's wardrobe consists of shoes that are not made by nike or adiddas, jeans that he has purposely torn to make him look slightly cooler, and a t shirt that says something along the lines of 'girls come and go, but fantasy football is forever.' asher is very fond of his decently long hair, which he has managed to fade perfectly into his sunglasses, the most important part of his wardrobe. asher loves his sunglasses, and they are far and away the most expensive part of his wardrobe. he almost loves his sunglasses as much as he loves his mac.

song(s) of the day (don't want to shortchange you. that would be just about as nice as uncle ian from alvin and the chipmunks)
Taylor, Jack Johnson

ben stiller is in the video. awesome sauce.

If you're wondering if I want you to, I want you to, Weezer

coincidentally unforgettable

Thursday, February 11, 2010

4th consecutive snowday in a row. we pretty much destroyed the 2 day record set by that nickelodeon movie. though we don't have an evil snowplow man to deal with.

point being, this break has been almost as unexpectedly long as the title to any fall out boy song.

** before i continue with college stereotypes, i would like to note that these aren't intended to be demeaning or harmful in any way, nor is any stereotype based on any person in particular. like it or not, everyone is in some way inevitably associated with some sort of collective group of individuals. and sometimes you just need to laugh at yourself. if you take yourself too seriously, you might lose business and then have to merge with XM

The one upper: Don't try to have any sort of argument with this dude. Because no matter what, the one upper is always better than you. In everything. He knows more than you about politics, sports, and everything else there is worth knowing. A day does not go by without the one upper mentioning his 3.94 GPA, or the story about how his irrational professor once gave him a b+. His homepage is the new york times, even though he also gets the paper issue delivered. The one upper likes to read those books that people write on how to flirt with girls, and then uses what he reads at parties. At first the girl is intrigued, but then after realizing the guy is a walking textbook, she usually ditches him.
At the college dems debate, the one upper will agree with exactly what you say. however, he will proceed to talk right after you make your point, saying exactly what you said in different words just to prove he is better than everyone else. The one upper often laughs at things that aren't funny, and is generally not very funny himself. Eating dinner or lunch with the one upper is not a good idea. He will usually dominate the conversation with stories of how great he is, even going so far as to telling you how that R Kelly song is actually based on him. You generally won't be able to get more than a sentence in before the one upper takes his throne back. Eating with the one upper isn't all terrible though. If you are at a dining hall, he will come up with an ingeniously creative dish, because he HAS to make something better than you. The one upper will often wear scarves, even though it may not be too cold out.

The stoned philosophizer: The stoned philosophizer's favorite thing to do is smoke weed, watch an Alfred Hitchcock movie, and talk about 'how fucked up society is, man.' Because he smokes so much, weed actually acts on him as a mental stimulate. In the words of sp 'it really makes you think, man.' Because he has done most drugs known to mankind, the sp knows a lot more than you do about 'existentialism, man.' He also knows much more about having really really long hair. Naturally, the SP will major in philosophy, theology, sociology, or some really weird major that he made up himself.
Because the stoned philosophizer has experienced so much more than you, his life is much more enriching than yours. His 'holier than thou' attitude allows the sp to turn every social interaction into some sort of lesson about life. The sp is generally not good at sports. He may have played baseball back in the day, but it got in the way of his blazing time, so he had to give it up. The sp worships the beatles- he has every single song that they have ever done on his itunes library. In fact, his itunes library has more songs than Ashton Kutcher has twitter followers. Oddly enough though, he has no songs made after the year 1980. The only exception to this rule is MGMT. The SP reads a lot of books, but you have never heard of any of them. In his room back at home, SP's walls are covered with posters of Woodstock, as he would do ANYTHING to have experienced that. In fact, he actually did do ANYTHING to have experienced woodstock. He went there that time he was tripping on LSD. But in real life, he had to compensate by going to bonaroo.

song of the day: Hall and Oates- You make my dreams come true

*If you've never seen 500 days of summer, watch the clip with this song in it. its quite terrific.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

No intro today. were going maverick. i don't really know what that means, but people say that. and since it sounds kind of cool, i figured i may as well jump on the bandwagon. they have trumpets.

College stereotypes, continued

The Laguna Beach/Blair Waldorf*: Although this specimen can be found at any college campus across the country, they will generally be hard to find at places such as the University of Minnesota because 'like eww, minnesota is sooo boring.' In fact, the one time she went to minnesota on a family business trip (her dad owns the mall of america- yea, the whole thing), she returned forever horrified after finding out that there are people in the world who actually eat chili. Though the trip wasn't entirely a waste, because she was able to purchase 10 new pairs of uggs- thats one for every day of the week. according to blair, thursday, friday, and saturday nights count as their own separate days.
Contrary to popular belief, this person actually is pretty smart. though instead of focusing this intelligence on academics, she often focuses it on manipulating her friends. though her friends don't really mind, because they do the same thing. plus, other people 'are like, soo not even worthy of us acknowledging them,' so they'd rather hang out with blair anyway, no matter how conniving she may be.
blair is only allowed to be from 5 places in the world-New York, Los Angeles, London, Paris, and Orange County. Blair's friends are only allowed to be from 5 places in the world- New York, Los Angeles, London, Paris, and Orange County. Well, thats actually not true, because her best friend isn't from any of those places, because her best friend is her blackberry. they hang out pretty much every second of every day.
Blair's wardrobe (of which she is very fond of) consists of Uggs, 15 pairs of sandals, 15 other pairs of sandals for her house in cancun (she actually has a whole other wardrobe in cancun, but its not as big as the one in her upper eastside penthouse), uggs, 10 pairs of shoes for going out, 10 pairs of shoes for going out to nicer places, and 10 more pairs of shoes for going out to even nicer places. she also has 115 pairs of leggings. im not even gonna go into the dresses- though thats mostly because i know nothing about them. but in case you want to know more, she has a whole section of her wardrobe devoted to her dresses. and her wardrobe is bigger than her bedroom and personal bathroom combined
Blairs 21st birthday party will be an extravagant open bar at this really nice club in Soho. they are usually pretty strict, but blair has been coming to this place for 6 years now and has never been carded. and because since its blairs birthday, they aren't going to card all of her 20 year old friends. though all her younger friends are girls, as her boyfriend is at the very least 2 years older than her.
Her family is good friends with the kennedy family. Blair's brother is an up and coming recording artist/actor. although he isn't very good, justin timberlake set him up with an agent, record deal, and producer. In his free time, Blair's brother wrecks shit up with his boys, bbmak.

speaking of bbmak, lets honor their greatness and give them the song of the day

song of the day: back here, bbmak

the video is priceless

Monday, February 8, 2010

Feelin kinda monday

i know its for horses, but im a big fan of the greeting 'hey.' to me, its much more genuine than a 'hi.' Obviously in the right situation, hi could work wonders. But i feel like a lot of the times, people say hi because its the shortest thing you could possibly say. which is morse code for 'i don't really like you too much because we don't really connect at all but we may have some friends in common or may be in the same study group or have some other affiliation, so to maintain homeostasis we have no choice to but to greet each other.'

honestly, i don't really know why people don't like hey. i mean, jude, delilah, and soul sister all seem to be pretty big fans

anyway, one of you clowns requested that I talk about some college stereotypes. Which by the way, was an idea as genius as re-making pochahontas and substituting 17th century virginia with weird blue people. apparently, that'll make you a lot of money these days.


Tony Bromo: Tony is the quintessential all-american frat-star. Tony attends a college that he was nowhere near smart enough to get into on his own but his dad is some important alumni dude so he got in. In extreme cases, there is an entire building named after Tony's family. Tony wears hats ALL the time. Though he never wears them straight, because thats just donk, bro. plus, wearing them at a 120 degree angle allows his long, blonde hair to flow through that part of the hat that is open. Though you will never see him shopping, Tony somehow manages to be wearing a different hat every time you see him, though every hat he wears is of a beer that you wouldn't typically find on a college campus.
80% of his wardrobe consists of collared shirts. Most of them are pink, striped, or abnormal in some way. Last year, he made the switch from American Eagle to LaCoste. It was a kind of a big deal.
Though Tony could afford to drink any beer he chooses, he prefers nothing more than pounding down natty lights with his frat boys. On his wall are pictures of him hanging out with his bros from back home- he is sober in none of these pictures. Tony has about 70 alcohol violations, but he is somehow still in school. Tony was the backup quarterback of his high school football team. If Tony does not attend a state school, he thinks he does. His favorite movies are American Pie, Animal House, Grandma's Boy, Road Trip, Big Daddy, Old School, Anchorman, and 300. Tony can recite every single line from Zoolander.
Tony lived in the frat house last year, but this year he moved off campus into a really sweet house that his dad pretty much paid for. He lives with three other kids- Bro Montana, Bradley Browell, and Edgar Allen Bro- all of whom are 'so sick, duude.'
Bro Montana: Every sunday, Tony and Bro Montana order about 500 wings (they eat all of them), talk about how drunk they were the night before, and watch football. It is very tough to hear the TV, because both Tony and Bro spend the entire game enthusiastically yelling about how 'fucking sick, bro' that last play was.
Bradley Browell: Bradley likes to do two things. Smoke weed, and play guitar. Bradley has introduced Tony to dispatch, o.a.r, jack johnson, and of course, sublime. These are now Tony's favorite bands. Bradley has helped Tony with his guitar skills, though Tony has always played guitar. In fact, Tony even writes his own songs. After honing his skills with Bradley, Tony sits under the tree at the quad with his shirt off and plays songs (that he wrote) to girls so they could see how sensitive he is. Bradley would come, but he's too high.
Edgar Allen Bro: Edgar is far and away the smartest of the roommates. Though he likes to party as much as the rest of them, he spends a lot of his free time reading history books. Tony and Bro are baffled by Edgar's intellectual curiousity (they have none), but they are ok with it because Edgar is a 'really tight dude' and helps them out with their homework just about as often as a song is released featuring t-pain. Edgar is a walking, talking, baseball encyclopedia, though no one seems to know why. Edgar's GPA is 1.5 points higher than anyone else in the house.

Tony had been dating his girlfriend Angelina Brolie for about a year, but they recently broke up because she made him watch the notebook. Now that Tony is back on the open market, he is reading that Tucker Max book, which he loves. In fact, it is his favorite book ever. Though thats not saying much, because Tony has only read 4 other books in the last decade.
That was really long, so i'll end here. I'll come out with one or two new ones every post.

song of the day: The Middle (Acoustic): Jimmy Eat World

Not only does Tony really like this song, but it is actually pretty good. I actually chose the song in large part because of the video. so watch the video, its the best one yet.

its a walkoff

Sunday, February 7, 2010

As a person, I would consider myself pretty laid back (with my mind on my money and my money on my mind)

but thats not to say things don't bother me. in fact, i think because im so laid back, when things bother me, they REALLY get to me. they get to me faster than that fat guy gets to the food at the big banquet. you know, when all the food is out and ready, but they don't actually serve it for like 30 minutes. but then when they finally announce that dinner is served, theres that one guy that'll stop at nothing to get to the front of the line. and i mean nothing. this is a little known fact, but those guys usually carry grenades in their pocket in case someone tries to cut them in line.

that was pretty excessive. anyway, to protect myself against the food militia, i hired that guy from taken. i figured extra protection was probably a good idea.

that wasn't a very good intro. i should probably work on them. that was almost as bad as when peter klaven tries to say goodbye to someone.*

if you've never seen i love you man, not only will you not get that joke, but your life will probably improve more than Tim Allen's home.

Things that are just awful and just about as necessary as the frequency in which you check your cellphone:

popsicle stick jokes: they just aren't funny. and everyone knows it. a funny popsicle joke is just about as common as lady gaga wearing normal clothes. though i don't think its entirely their fault. i think they hired carlos mencia as the executive producer of all popsicle stick jokes worldwide.

really dry sandwiches: contrary to the popular beliefs of jewish deli's worldwide, condiments other than relish DO exist.

really wet sandwiches: contrary to the popular beliefs of italian deli's worldwide, saran wrap and oil and vinegar are NOT the same thing. though again, its not entirely their fault. someone mobster dude once asked the don, on the day of his daughters wedding, to make him a sandwich with excessive amounts of oil and vinegar so that he could ward off the german vampires. following this requests, all italian deli owners have decreed that all sandwiches must follow the same protocol so that the mob doesn't order a hit on them.

the amount of cream cheese put on bagels at the bagel store: if you work at a bagel store, putting less than a full tub of cream cheese on a bagel is just about as rebellious as working at Toys R Us and not washing your hands before returning to work, even though the sign in the bathroom clearly states 'employees MUST wash their hands before returning to work'

thats enough for today. school is cancelled for tomorrow but i still have a paper due. fun. theres actually this band called 'Fun.' definitely one of the top 10 coolest band names ever.

this sunday is even more super than mario, so lets get some classic sports pump up

song of the day: requiem for a dream: lord of the rings soundtrack

not a huge fan of lord of the rings, but great song. to be honest, i never saw the movies. but not my fault. the movies were expensive and i didn't have enough tolkens to buy a ticket

Friday, February 5, 2010

You may not have heard, but its supposed to snow today.*


today, a few things of note happened. so naturally, i am going to note them. in my notebook. starring rachel mcadams.

-i caught an avid blog reader in the act of wexting. obviously thoroughly flustered, he tried to justify himself by protesting,

'its bbming! its not the same thing!'

i think not. yes, having a blackberry may make you cooler than the rest of the population. but even celebrities aren't above the law. just look at lindsey lohan, oj simpson, michael jackson, r kelly, mel gibson, charlie sheen, tiger woods, paris hilton, britney spears, some kardashian, t.i, lil wayne, lil kim, phil and lil, ted kennedy, ray lewis, rob lowe, russell crowe, and martha stewart.

anyway, among the barrage of compliments/death threats i have been receiving for writing this very thing you are reading right now, one of the paparazzi members said the following

'you have like, the dryyyyest humor. EVER!'

i wasn't really sure if that was a good or bad thing. i mean, if i was at one of those middle school pool parties thats at the beginning of june because its someone's birthday/they are trying to welcome in the summer but its only like 60 degrees and not sunny at all but they force everyone to go swimming anyway because even though the spring has produced uncharacteristically cool temperatures, if people are swimming than it MUST be summer, then it (having dry humor) would be a great thing. because everyone is always freezing at those shindigs. (yes, i just said shindig) and if you are the person that forgot your towel, or if your the person whose towel got stolen because someone else forgot your towel, then dryness is most def a weapon i would like to have in my arsenal.

but on the other hand, what if i was thirsty? or in the middle of the desert? in those cases, it would be flat out awful.

why is this important? well, its not. nothing is really that important in the long run. in fact, importance is one of the most arbitrary concepts since ever. because its all relative. but then again, so is your uncle.

back to the point. being a teenage male, hearing the phrase 'dry humor' naturally made me think of 'dry sandwiches.' i mean, they both have the word dry in them. which pretty much makes them more related to each other than phil and lil.

so heres the thesis of all of this unnecessary ranting. thinking of dry sandwiches made me think of wet sandwiches. and thinking of wet sandwiches made me think again about dry sandwiches. basically, all this thinking turned into this kind of world of warcraft/call of duty 4 in my head over which is better- a really dry sandwich, or a really wet one?

we will tackle that issue tomorrow. solving that problem in one day sounds just about as easy as beating world shpoople champion fjord van der plough in a game of shpoople.

song of the day: knockout, lil wayne

im not a big fan of this whole rock thing, but this song is different. it may sound strange in the beginning, but once it gets going, its good stuff points. wait till about a minute or two in to make your final verdict

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Thursday is the new friday

There is this crazy social experiment. so crazy that britney spears and gnarls barkely are doing a duet about it.

no, its not one of those typical scientist kind of things. thankfully, theres no 'im wearing this so i must be smart, as shown by its obnoxiously white color' lab coats, oversized goggles that would be more useful on the set of napoleon dynamite, or chemicals that everyone freaks out about because they are small and scary. everyone goes psycho about that chemical stuff. its like you misuse them, your soul is forever damaged or something. to you people who think that, watch an episode of lopez tonight, and then talk.

anyway, theres a good chance you are a part of this experiment im hyping up. skeptical? don't be. i'll give you the critereon.

1. You must be human. Sorry nemo- I know you are an avid reader, but you just don't make the cut. if you own a build-a-bear (which I know you have at some point, don't be scared to admit it), you might want to give them the heads up so that heart you put in it doesn't betray you.
2. You should be between the ages of 18-22. If you are in high school, the experiment probably doesn't apply to you. but thats ok. because if you are in high school nothing is more important than if you are going to the football game on friday night, so you don't have any time for experiments anyway. i mean, with girls, football, high school parties that get busted by the cops because someone gets too sick, girls, the movies, the bowling alley, girls, gossiping about girls, parking lots, pretending to be on one tree hill, pretending to be on the oc, starbucks, and oh yea, school, you just have too much going on. and because you have so much going on, you have so many problems, man. sometimes you just want to take your 1997 toyota for a drive out to the beach and get away from everyone. and maybe you could get a shake on the way back to make you feel better. with oreos
3. you must attend one of those institutions that asher roth is a big fan of.
4. you must consume food, or have the intention of consuming food, or having the intention of going somewhere to consume food so that you could socialize, because places of food (pof's) are social epicenters.

Give up? The experiment is called Collegiate dining hall.

This experiment is ruthless. ruthless scrimegeour. for those of you who don't speak wizard, i'll translate:

because it is completely unaware of what it is actually doing (in smart people talk, it does not have observer or subject bias), this experiment is designed to test every facet of socialness and human interaction. in fact, its borderline frightening. So frightening, that these two dudes from new zealand have decided to make a reality show documenting their collegiate dining hall experience. its called 'fright of the conchords.'* go watch it.

*that joke sounded much funnier in my head. my apologies.

anyway, the worst part about collegiate dining hall is that participation is pretty much mandatory. because unless you are the second coming or paris hilton, you generally have no choice but to consume edible things.

There are millions of different experiments conducted in this pasta boiling, stir frying, and acidic-ly disgusting meatloaf laboratory. so that reading this doesn't take as long as it takes for christina aguilera to change her hairstyle, ill leave you with one example

The Andre 3000:

This move can occur when eating with any number of fools, but is most prevalent when you are with 1-2 other people.

You get your food. you get your table. essentially, you are all ready to go all out on your food because since you go to college you are always hungry and can't constantly snack on food like you do at home. but there is one thing missing. The other people.

Yea, you could sit down and eat by yourself until the others come. but you would much rather wait until someone else is at the table. because getting caught eating alone is the equivalent of social suicide. if you're caught eating alone people will judge you. and you cant have that. because then you will be considered an outcast. and when that happens, roses really smell like pooh-ooh-ooh.

Thus, you stall. you do everything possible to make sure that you are not the first person to sit down. it turns into this kind of game of who is gonna man up and sit down first.

**there are many variations of this game. however, in the interest of time, i will only elaborate on a few.

potential options when caught in the ANDRE 3000:

leave the table and get more food even though you actually have no intention to actually eat that food.

leave the table and get a drink. but to maximize time, make sure you take extra long when deciding upon what drink.

leave to get some more food, then a drink, then a fork. o wait, you forgot a knife, so now you have to go get that.

walk around and find people to talk to. this strategy is high risk high reward. consider the consequences.
-if you see a friend, your golden. you could stage a conversation that is much more elaborate than it really should be. this option usually bodes well, as it allows you to maximize your stall-time. plus, your homie will probably have a higher opinion of you for being overly friendly
-at the same time, this could turn out disastrous. what if you see an adam lambert? or even worse, a southwest airliner? (read last post if you are now more clueless than Brittany Murphy)

man up and sit down. very bold strategy, but at least you get to eat. and i dont know about you, but i like food. so much that it used to be one of my activities on facebook. and once its on facebook, you know it means business.

Thats it for today. i'd like to thank you all for the feedback, as it generally seems to be of the proton variety. if there is anything that you would like me to discuss, send me an owl.

song of the day: apparently thursday is the new friday. party up


Wednesday, February 3, 2010

sup ladies and gentlemen. (and hipsters)

i wish i had one of the voice-over dudes for the blog. the guy from lost would probably be the best. he has the perfect combination of deep voice impressiveness and tone levelness. like, he is not too scary. but at the same time, he is intimidating enough for the viewer to realize how crazy last episode was, so that it gets you so much in the mood that when you finish watching this episode you could be all like 'I LOVVEE LOST! SAWYER IS AWESOME!' on your facebook status. you can't ask for better vocal chords. basically, his voice is the opposite of that of the jonas brothers.

anyway, i wish i had that guy on the payroll because he could do the recap like an all star. now i have to get smashmouth to do it. and their fake-sounding british accents could get a little old after awhile.

ok, smashmouth was too busy on the set of MTV's 'where are they now,' so were gonna skip the recap. now that we got that out of the way, lets get jiggy with it. (woo! hahaaa! insert other weird sounding noise will smith makes in between rap verses here)

Part Two of THA CROSSROADS: (read last post to get the full throttle)

THE FONZ: You like this guy, and aren't afraid to show it. However, you may make some weird inside joke-like noises or greeting sounds when you run into this dudester, so be prepared for awkward looks from the peanut gallery. you do not feel threatened by the crowds reaction however because your friendship with the fonz is truly a joy, as it is always exciting to see him. people may not know you two guys are friends, and you may hang out with entirely different group of friends. but because both of you are such cool people, you manage to find time to hang out every once in awhile. plus, he probably inspired you to grow some weird sideburns
POTENTIAL NOMINEES: Anyone that you have a great time hanging around. usually they are very laid back, and aren't afraid to let you know how much they enjoy life. the fonz will use words such as 'dude,' 'man,' 'society,' and 'brohan.' Frequent interaction with the fonz will most likely prompt you to start talking like him because he is just that awesome. obnoxiously dancing at the club is a strong possibility when hanging out with this guy. if your name is robert deniro, your fonz cred wouldn't be too high.
WHAT USUALLY GOES DOWN: An over the top greeting is a must. phrases such as AAAYY, WHOA, are commonplace with the fonz. often an elaborate handshake that is way too elaborate for either of you to not mess up once, and since you made it up drunk, one of you doesn't remember the whole thing. but its all good, because the fonz doesn't really notice.

This next one was inserted by mr. James pickens. lets give him a shout out, well done for being the first featured guest:

The Alien
This person generally has a different first-language from you, but you have interacted in some way before. While you both certainly recognize one another, you feel you must be overly nice because the other guy is from Africa or something. You don't know why, but he always gets a huge smile when he sees you - it's as if he can't converse with anyone else confidently.
POTENTIAL NOMINEES: Anyone from another country other than Am'ER'icka; someone who speaks another language better than English; Borat; anyone whose parents are immigrants, emphasize studying, and therefore make this person seem like they are trying to overcome social anxiety...all the time.
WHAT USUALLY GOES DOWN: You stop, say hello, and actually have a conversation that neither of you has time for. It's horrible, but both of you have these giant fake smiles on your face and there's no getting out of it. You grin and bear it, cursing foreigners everywhere for their natural awkwardness.

not bad at all. now, get ready for the last one. its everyones favorite. other than kelly clarkson's, because all her songs are about breakups.

THE TEAM EDWARD: Your heart melts when you see this person. so much that you donate it to chipotle so they could make some sort of creation out of it. just kidding, I actually find that more digusting than old ladies probably find ke$ha lyrics. anyway, you REALLY like this person. your heart skips a beat everytime you see them. your heart skips a beat when you THINK you see them, but it actually turns out to be someone else. because this person is on your mind constantly. your facial expression changes in some way that shows how excited/how nervous you are to see them. your eyes widen more than creed's arms during that song. if you are currently not dating, you may be nervous because you don't know what to say to them, but then 15 minutes later you are amazed that you had such good conversation.
WHAT USUALLY GOES DOWN: smiles to the max. depending on the situation and stage in your relationship/if it is reciprocal it could be anywhere from a genuine 'hey,' to a 'how are you' to, a 15 minute conversation on the boardwalk even though its 20 degrees, to a hug, to a live filming or a 'he went to jared' commercial.

song of the day: A* Teens: bouncing off the walls

very questionable of my manhood. but i really counldn't care less, as it is a terrific song.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

For all of you who having trouble with commenting, i think i fixed it so that you can now comment. haley's comment
Like the rest of the world, I was on facebook yesterday. Among the utterly ridiculous apps, links, status updates, wall posts, and photos that people get tagged in and then untag themselves an hour later because they dont look good and if you put photos that dont make you look absolutely perfect on display no one will be friends with you, there was something that caught my eye.

two things. first you probably want to read that sentence again, because it was probably as coherent as jamarcus russell during an interview. second, i lied about something catching my eye. i mean, if that were to happen i would probably have to take my eyeball out and throw it at you. and since im not that guy from AHH! real monsters!, thats just gross

what i meant to say was that i found something pretty intriguing. in its overly excessive campaign to make a fan page for everything from 'i hate waking up early in the morning,' to 'i purposely space out my steps so i avoid stepping on the cracks in the sidewalks,' facebook has come up with yet another gem. apparently, these days you can become a fan of 'pretending not to see someone when you really do.' nice one, facebook.

if i were that fan page, id start making merchandise. and lots of it jerseys, t shirts, hats, you name it. because you know as well as I that people prescribe to that epidemic even more than Fox news likes the democratic party.*

*if you don't like politics (i dont blame you), that was a joke

anyway, after I saw that my mind started do this thing that people call 'thinking'. I'm not really sure how it works, but i figure its kind of similar to what goes on in a coke vending machine

so i put in a dollar, pressed F5, and got this:

What to do at Tha Crossroads: a guide to what people do when they unintentionally run into other people in passing (first edition)

The Southwest Airliner: This is perhaps the very last person you wanted to see. Seeing them makes you feel squeamish, uncomfortable, and a perfect candidate for one of those want to get away? commercials
POTENTIAL NOMINEES: The person you drunkenly that you are really embarrassed to have hooked up with last night and you don't even remember their name, the kid who cheated or heavily flirted with your significant other (if you don't kill them first), your ex if things ended badly, your ex if things ended badly and they are already with someone else, the kid that you had to personally reject because they weren't good enough for your sports team or singing group, someone who you were once close with but then shit happened and you now hate each other, or anyone who you feel overwhelmingly and uncontrollably awkward around for any reason whatsoever
WHAT USUALLY GOES DOWN: cold shoulder to the max, on site apparation

The Adam Lambert: Interactions between you and this person are really up in the air. You never know what to do when you see this person, because you never know what they are going to do. Basically, you don't know whether or not to greet them
POTENTIAL NOMINEES: Someone you were once acquainted with that you haven't talked to for at least a few months, someone you met drunkenly at a party last night and possibly made a move on through your excessively long conversation about absolutely nothing, a professor, teacher, or superior who you are not sure if they actually recognize your face, a mutual friend who you may have met once but don't really remember if they know you or not.
WHAT USUALLY GOES DOWN: Just like this dude, you really have no idea what to expect. Perhaps a short and insincere smile followed by a glance in the opposite direction, a quicker than usual head nod, an unnatural sounding 'hey,' either you or the other person whipping out your phone either in actual or pretend text message. all in all, a lot of it depends on which one of you two is the initiator

THE RUBY TUESDAY: When go to this good stuff restaurant, you know you are gonna get a decently good burger for a reasonable price. These are the people who you may not have 5 star relationships with, but have developed a bond based on quality, amity, and of course, handcrafted burgers
POTENTIAL NOMINEES: A fellow member of the organization, society, or team you are a part of, a classmate who you converse with on a semi-regular basis, a mutual friend who you have had more than one interaction with in the presence of that mutual friend, someone you see at the gym so much that your continued path crossing reaches the level where you greet each other, even if you've never had a real conversation with them, someone who lives on your floor in your freshman dorm, but not too close to your room
WHAT USUALLY GOES DOWN: These are the hey whatsup-ers. almost always a smile, head nod, any variation of 'yo.' if your feeling adventurous, you could even throw in a 'hows it going?'

I got a few more for you, but i think well end here because society is making me do other stuff so I probably wont finish. so i'll hit you up with them tomorrow. plus, you'll be forced to read again this way.

song of the day: Toto: Africa

Monday, February 1, 2010

Pop, Lock, DoPs it, continued

I know, i left you hanging last time. hopefully you weren't stretching out your hand for a high five. I hate that. when you go to give a high five and the other person doesn't notice. i'll give you some advice. next time that happens, you can save yourself by pretending to obnoxiously motion for a first down.

So heres the rest of the story. I promise i'll finish it today. it won't take nine days or anything. otherwise, it would have been of a girl*

*bonus points if you get that reference

***Read the last post before you read this one. Otherwise, it will make as much sense as Conan O'Brien's new salary

so as im about to walk into that base station, i run into this DoPs officer. Figuring because she is isolated, she might be a little bit more sympathetic to my situation. Notice that. When people are grouped together, they'll defer their own values and/or logical thought processes to that of their environment. Look at that dude that got run over at Wal-Mart. you think everyone shopping that day were all mad hatters? nope. they were just like you. in fact, no offense, but theres a good chance that you would probably do the same thing. and im not excluding myself from all of this either. Nobody's perfect. Except Morgan Freeman, of course.

In other words, because she was alone, i thought she might actually be sensible and not accuse me of grand larceny ala psycho aretha. and i was right. After courteously explaining her my story, she resolved to assist me to the best of her ability. Though her stonewall jacksonness yielded little emotion, i got the feeling that she thought it was downright hilarious that i was on the loose for a crime so heinous as sneaking into the library. She probably thought it best to stop me there so I didn't turn into kissin kate barlow.

She said that they'll probably file a report on the matter, so she takes me down to the base station so that I could write a statement and what not. As we walk into the place, it reminds me of a smaller and bureaucratically stupider (if possible) version of th DMV. After waiting just about as long as it takes for ben affleck to be funny in any movie that he does, the officer finally came back. to my surprise, she told me that no statement was needed, but that I had to go with her to pick up my wallet in order to legitimize my story. once that deed was done, alls I had to do was get my roommate to go pick up his go card. and then according to her, the issue would put on a permanent invisibility cloak. and since im about 100% sure that no DoPs officers are talented wizards, i was fairly certain that she meant that the matter would be settled for good.

Though kind of happy that this silly predicament was soon to be over, i was slightly pissed that I had to retrieve my wallet, because that meant that my beast move of leaving my wallet behind was to no avail. Though on the plus side, getting escorted through the dorm by a DoPs officer made me feel kind of cool. Kind of like McLovin when he was getting fake arrested. Well, not really. But that was probably really cool. kind of like the complete opposite of jack black in his last 10 movies.

So i go with the DoPs officer to that freshman common room to get that wallet fo sho. As my initial plan was not to retrieve my wallet from the three foolish humans until the following day, id say its safe to say that my plan had backfired.

After I got my wallet back from the kid who was even more two-faced than harvey dent, I parted ways with the DoPs officer. Knowing that her rationalness probably saved me from any major repercussions that may have ensued from my felonious crime, I sincerely thanked her for all her help.

Pretty amused at the whole situation, I trekked back to my dorm. Though the DoPs crisis seemed to be over, I was now hit with another one- the continued attachment of my toes to the rest of my body was in serious jeopardy. Being that it was about 15 degrees outside, it was probably a pretty genius move to be wearing sandals.

I make the triumphant return to my apartment. Though the pregame wasn't over, it was definitely looking more and more like the state of the economy these days. Sheepishly, i explained to my roommate the predicament, and that he had to go to the base station to get his go card. Though im sure he wasn't happy that his gocard was in stage 5 lockdown, j town seemed more amused by the situation than anything. Thankful that he didn't go all voltorb on me, I went with him on what was supposed to be a relatively painless journey to reclaim his gocard. To our misfortune however, the journey itself was a straight up masochist. Instead of being all 'im going to make this as easy as possible for you', the journey decided to say, 'bring the pain. and let me know its real. son.'

We arrived at the base station. The guy at the counter basically yells at us, tells us that he doesn't have the card, and that we should go dig a hole and bury ourselves in it so that we didn't have to ever bother him again because he worked at a counter, so it was obviously not his job to help people. well, he actually didn't say the last part. but his jesse mccartney featuring t-pain (body language) suggested that he might as well have said that.

Immensely frustrated and on the verge of losing a few toes, we proceed to walk back, unsure of our next move. Eventually, we decided to head back to the apartment so that we could scheme up how to bail me out of the solitary confinement that i would probably be sentenced to. On the way back however, we ran into the very same DoPs officer who had bailed me out earlier. Predictable twist, I know. But it happened, so it would be pretty dishonest to lie about it. And the very last thing I would like to be known for is dishonesty. If that were the case, I would have tried to sneak into the library with a gocard that wasn't mine. come on now.

We explained to her what just had happened. As she told me that they should have had the gocard, she seemed to be slightly embarrassed to be a associated with such outstandingly idiotic proceedings. Knowing that the problem would only be solved if she took charge, she told us to go to the library and demand the gocard back, telling the anti-aretha that she herself had given us permission to get the card back. Then if that didn't work, she had instructed us to meet her back at the base station.

Needless to say, plan A didn't work. instead of resolving the issue rationally, anti aretha proceeding to fire her curse-filled gun at both myself and my roommate. ruthlessly. I dont know much about guns, but she must have had a 48 caliber rifle or something. I don't even know if thats very good, but it sounds kind of intimidating so im just gonna go with it.
Back at the base station, our officer doesn't even need to ask us if that prison guard of a librarian complied. With swiftness worthy of someone talented enough to make a video better than beyonces single ladies, she disappeared behind the scenes in order to work the situation out.

15 minutes pass.

20 minutes pass.

She emerges from the door. 'I've done everything i could for you guys, but the situation is now out of my hands,' she says 'There bringing in the Sargent.'

I had mixed emotions to say the least. Part of me thought it was hilarious that they were bringing in the big guy for something as stupid as this- i mean, didn't they have REAL issues to deal with? On the other hand, I furious that they were so stupid as to take such a petty offense so seriously. Lastly, i felt guilty, because it would be entirely my fault if j town was reprimanded or punished in any way for trying to let me do my homework.

15 minutes pass

j town and I remained silent. it wasn't really one of those places where you talk. even if you are a girl and do mashups, you would still probably be as silent as Bob.

30 minutes pass

EZ pass

The Sargent finally emerges from the DoPs locker room. Hes a stern guy (i would hope, being that he is in charge of public safety), but at the same time seems like a pretty smart and not completely insane dude. Right away, I knew that we would be aight.

He proceeded to give us a 5 minute lecture about responsibility, security and safety. I think all three of us in the room knew that he was just adhering to protocol, and what he was saying was mostly bullshit. But we listened considerately nonetheless, as disrespecting that guy would probably be as smart as a gryffindor student wreaking havoc in professor snapes class. Finally, he gave j town back his go card, and we were good to go.

I think j town summed it up well.

'Fine institution we go to'

Song of the day: we got a mashup

Milkman: Circle of Fifths

underrated and unsung, but far from un-fabulous.