Sunday, February 21, 2010

Sorry i haven't posted in awhile. i could make up some funny joke about why i haven't posted, but that would be circumlocution. And although that word is almost as cool as those dudes they hire to stand outside that urban footwear store that blasts the loud hip hop music, I would have to be a politician if i did that. and then i would have to pretend to be friendly to you and promise things that we both know aren't going to happen but nod our heads in tacit agreement because thats the societal norm. and i don't want to do that. i want to be friendly to you because i like you. i want to be friendly to you because you are more real than the housewives of orange county and dont deserve to be lied to. i want to be friendly so that we could hang out, drive around aimlessly on a drizzly saturday afternoon while listening to 'bittersweet symphony,' quote lines from some movie we both saw because now we got something in common, and go get some substandard chicken fingers from our favorite suburban eatery, friendly's.

sorry about that tirade. one of my goals is to join the sisterhood of the traveling rants, so i figured here is a good place to get started.

thankfully, because I have been about as reliable as the characters that vince vaughn plays in movies, my friends have come up huge.*

I know, the notion of me actually having friends is quite the hilarity.

but MOST IMPORTANTLY, we have a new featured writer this week. read the words of wisdom from (justin) the nick of time. He's kind of a big deal, and so is his post (see below). its riveting, smart, funny, and most importantly, true. except the part about sandra bullock.

as justin was so kind to provide an excellent song of the day, i will abstain for the time being. plus, trying to follow up jesse mccartney would be even more ridiculous than if steroided out guy from the gym drove a prius.

so without further ado, heres the man, the myth, the legend himself:


Hello and welcome to your new featured columnist. The name’s Bond. Eisenbond. Since I am currently entering my toughest week of the semester I decided what better way to procrastinate than become a columnist on the Lance Lance Revolution Blog. With my first column I had a few ideas but no overarching theme so here we go.

1. It’s Mario not Mareio. Our portly Italian friend deserves a correctly pronounced name.

2. Good News and Bad News.

Bad News : You are not the best at Super Smash Bros.

Good News: You had more of a life in sophomore year of high school than at least one other person.

3. Why are rappers so obsessed with the names Lil’ and Young? To name a few there are Lil’ Wayne, Lil’ Scrappy, Lil’ John, Lil’ Flip, Lil’ Kim, Lil’ Mamma, Young Jeezy, Young Joc, Young Buck, and Young Dro.

I am officially starting a new trend of rappers. My new rap name is Elderly, Gigantic Justin.

4. Business School students have less class and less work than you. Get over it. We’re still people too and we have feelings. Please stop calling us the Slytherin House even if He Who Must Not Be Named does enroll in the MSB.

5. Sandra Bullock is just awful. Stop telling me to see the Blind Side.

6. You can’t give yourself a nickname. (This is directed at the Asian kid I know who continually describes himself as Chocolate Thunder)

7. There should be a Jewish Olympics where Jewish athletes are allowed to compete against each other on a level playing field. Grouping us in the normal population is simply unfair and is highly intolerant.

8. If you can only learn one song on the guitar make it Wonderwall by Oasis. If you can learn more songs than all of them should be by Jack Johnson.

9. What was goin on with that cartoon Catdog? First of all it was just two heads and four legs. It couldn’t even go to the bathroom. Someone had to be doing some serious drugs to come up with this crap.

10. There are certain situations where certain lines from classic cartoons must be said. Examples include:

a. Whenever you’re around a baby pooping,

“A baby’s gotta do, what a baby’s gotta do”

b. Whenever a fire alarm goes off, unfathomable

“That’s right. I pulled the fire alarm and I’d do it again too. See!”

c. You have any kind of financial transaction with a woman named Susan, Sue, Susanna, Dr. Seuss, etc.

“You take the money, Susie!”

Similarly to Lance I would like to post a link to encourage your procrastination from work. However, my links will be somewhat different. My first link will always be a song that you like but you are embarrassed to admit. The guy walking past you in the library will therefore be able to call you a girl for listening to Donna Lewis’s “I love you, always forever.” On the plus side you get to listen to Donna Lewis’s “I love you, always forever” which is just a phenomenal song.

Jesse McCartney’s Leavin’

My second link will leave you with the puppy of the day. Because who doesn’t like puppies (except Lance. I know right? Lance doesn’t like cute puppies. What’s wrong with him?)

Enjoy a little Golden Retriever action.

No comments:

Post a Comment