Monday, February 1, 2010

Pop, Lock, DoPs it, continued

I know, i left you hanging last time. hopefully you weren't stretching out your hand for a high five. I hate that. when you go to give a high five and the other person doesn't notice. i'll give you some advice. next time that happens, you can save yourself by pretending to obnoxiously motion for a first down.

So heres the rest of the story. I promise i'll finish it today. it won't take nine days or anything. otherwise, it would have been of a girl*

*bonus points if you get that reference

***Read the last post before you read this one. Otherwise, it will make as much sense as Conan O'Brien's new salary

so as im about to walk into that base station, i run into this DoPs officer. Figuring because she is isolated, she might be a little bit more sympathetic to my situation. Notice that. When people are grouped together, they'll defer their own values and/or logical thought processes to that of their environment. Look at that dude that got run over at Wal-Mart. you think everyone shopping that day were all mad hatters? nope. they were just like you. in fact, no offense, but theres a good chance that you would probably do the same thing. and im not excluding myself from all of this either. Nobody's perfect. Except Morgan Freeman, of course.

In other words, because she was alone, i thought she might actually be sensible and not accuse me of grand larceny ala psycho aretha. and i was right. After courteously explaining her my story, she resolved to assist me to the best of her ability. Though her stonewall jacksonness yielded little emotion, i got the feeling that she thought it was downright hilarious that i was on the loose for a crime so heinous as sneaking into the library. She probably thought it best to stop me there so I didn't turn into kissin kate barlow.

She said that they'll probably file a report on the matter, so she takes me down to the base station so that I could write a statement and what not. As we walk into the place, it reminds me of a smaller and bureaucratically stupider (if possible) version of th DMV. After waiting just about as long as it takes for ben affleck to be funny in any movie that he does, the officer finally came back. to my surprise, she told me that no statement was needed, but that I had to go with her to pick up my wallet in order to legitimize my story. once that deed was done, alls I had to do was get my roommate to go pick up his go card. and then according to her, the issue would put on a permanent invisibility cloak. and since im about 100% sure that no DoPs officers are talented wizards, i was fairly certain that she meant that the matter would be settled for good.

Though kind of happy that this silly predicament was soon to be over, i was slightly pissed that I had to retrieve my wallet, because that meant that my beast move of leaving my wallet behind was to no avail. Though on the plus side, getting escorted through the dorm by a DoPs officer made me feel kind of cool. Kind of like McLovin when he was getting fake arrested. Well, not really. But that was probably really cool. kind of like the complete opposite of jack black in his last 10 movies.

So i go with the DoPs officer to that freshman common room to get that wallet fo sho. As my initial plan was not to retrieve my wallet from the three foolish humans until the following day, id say its safe to say that my plan had backfired.

After I got my wallet back from the kid who was even more two-faced than harvey dent, I parted ways with the DoPs officer. Knowing that her rationalness probably saved me from any major repercussions that may have ensued from my felonious crime, I sincerely thanked her for all her help.

Pretty amused at the whole situation, I trekked back to my dorm. Though the DoPs crisis seemed to be over, I was now hit with another one- the continued attachment of my toes to the rest of my body was in serious jeopardy. Being that it was about 15 degrees outside, it was probably a pretty genius move to be wearing sandals.

I make the triumphant return to my apartment. Though the pregame wasn't over, it was definitely looking more and more like the state of the economy these days. Sheepishly, i explained to my roommate the predicament, and that he had to go to the base station to get his go card. Though im sure he wasn't happy that his gocard was in stage 5 lockdown, j town seemed more amused by the situation than anything. Thankful that he didn't go all voltorb on me, I went with him on what was supposed to be a relatively painless journey to reclaim his gocard. To our misfortune however, the journey itself was a straight up masochist. Instead of being all 'im going to make this as easy as possible for you', the journey decided to say, 'bring the pain. and let me know its real. son.'

We arrived at the base station. The guy at the counter basically yells at us, tells us that he doesn't have the card, and that we should go dig a hole and bury ourselves in it so that we didn't have to ever bother him again because he worked at a counter, so it was obviously not his job to help people. well, he actually didn't say the last part. but his jesse mccartney featuring t-pain (body language) suggested that he might as well have said that.

Immensely frustrated and on the verge of losing a few toes, we proceed to walk back, unsure of our next move. Eventually, we decided to head back to the apartment so that we could scheme up how to bail me out of the solitary confinement that i would probably be sentenced to. On the way back however, we ran into the very same DoPs officer who had bailed me out earlier. Predictable twist, I know. But it happened, so it would be pretty dishonest to lie about it. And the very last thing I would like to be known for is dishonesty. If that were the case, I would have tried to sneak into the library with a gocard that wasn't mine. come on now.

We explained to her what just had happened. As she told me that they should have had the gocard, she seemed to be slightly embarrassed to be a associated with such outstandingly idiotic proceedings. Knowing that the problem would only be solved if she took charge, she told us to go to the library and demand the gocard back, telling the anti-aretha that she herself had given us permission to get the card back. Then if that didn't work, she had instructed us to meet her back at the base station.

Needless to say, plan A didn't work. instead of resolving the issue rationally, anti aretha proceeding to fire her curse-filled gun at both myself and my roommate. ruthlessly. I dont know much about guns, but she must have had a 48 caliber rifle or something. I don't even know if thats very good, but it sounds kind of intimidating so im just gonna go with it.
Back at the base station, our officer doesn't even need to ask us if that prison guard of a librarian complied. With swiftness worthy of someone talented enough to make a video better than beyonces single ladies, she disappeared behind the scenes in order to work the situation out.

15 minutes pass.

20 minutes pass.

She emerges from the door. 'I've done everything i could for you guys, but the situation is now out of my hands,' she says 'There bringing in the Sargent.'

I had mixed emotions to say the least. Part of me thought it was hilarious that they were bringing in the big guy for something as stupid as this- i mean, didn't they have REAL issues to deal with? On the other hand, I furious that they were so stupid as to take such a petty offense so seriously. Lastly, i felt guilty, because it would be entirely my fault if j town was reprimanded or punished in any way for trying to let me do my homework.

15 minutes pass

j town and I remained silent. it wasn't really one of those places where you talk. even if you are a girl and do mashups, you would still probably be as silent as Bob.

30 minutes pass

EZ pass

The Sargent finally emerges from the DoPs locker room. Hes a stern guy (i would hope, being that he is in charge of public safety), but at the same time seems like a pretty smart and not completely insane dude. Right away, I knew that we would be aight.

He proceeded to give us a 5 minute lecture about responsibility, security and safety. I think all three of us in the room knew that he was just adhering to protocol, and what he was saying was mostly bullshit. But we listened considerately nonetheless, as disrespecting that guy would probably be as smart as a gryffindor student wreaking havoc in professor snapes class. Finally, he gave j town back his go card, and we were good to go.

I think j town summed it up well.

'Fine institution we go to'

Song of the day: we got a mashup

Milkman: Circle of Fifths

underrated and unsung, but far from un-fabulous.

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