Thursday, February 4, 2010

Thursday is the new friday

There is this crazy social experiment. so crazy that britney spears and gnarls barkely are doing a duet about it.

no, its not one of those typical scientist kind of things. thankfully, theres no 'im wearing this so i must be smart, as shown by its obnoxiously white color' lab coats, oversized goggles that would be more useful on the set of napoleon dynamite, or chemicals that everyone freaks out about because they are small and scary. everyone goes psycho about that chemical stuff. its like you misuse them, your soul is forever damaged or something. to you people who think that, watch an episode of lopez tonight, and then talk.

anyway, theres a good chance you are a part of this experiment im hyping up. skeptical? don't be. i'll give you the critereon.

1. You must be human. Sorry nemo- I know you are an avid reader, but you just don't make the cut. if you own a build-a-bear (which I know you have at some point, don't be scared to admit it), you might want to give them the heads up so that heart you put in it doesn't betray you.
2. You should be between the ages of 18-22. If you are in high school, the experiment probably doesn't apply to you. but thats ok. because if you are in high school nothing is more important than if you are going to the football game on friday night, so you don't have any time for experiments anyway. i mean, with girls, football, high school parties that get busted by the cops because someone gets too sick, girls, the movies, the bowling alley, girls, gossiping about girls, parking lots, pretending to be on one tree hill, pretending to be on the oc, starbucks, and oh yea, school, you just have too much going on. and because you have so much going on, you have so many problems, man. sometimes you just want to take your 1997 toyota for a drive out to the beach and get away from everyone. and maybe you could get a shake on the way back to make you feel better. with oreos
3. you must attend one of those institutions that asher roth is a big fan of.
4. you must consume food, or have the intention of consuming food, or having the intention of going somewhere to consume food so that you could socialize, because places of food (pof's) are social epicenters.

Give up? The experiment is called Collegiate dining hall.

This experiment is ruthless. ruthless scrimegeour. for those of you who don't speak wizard, i'll translate:

because it is completely unaware of what it is actually doing (in smart people talk, it does not have observer or subject bias), this experiment is designed to test every facet of socialness and human interaction. in fact, its borderline frightening. So frightening, that these two dudes from new zealand have decided to make a reality show documenting their collegiate dining hall experience. its called 'fright of the conchords.'* go watch it.

*that joke sounded much funnier in my head. my apologies.

anyway, the worst part about collegiate dining hall is that participation is pretty much mandatory. because unless you are the second coming or paris hilton, you generally have no choice but to consume edible things.

There are millions of different experiments conducted in this pasta boiling, stir frying, and acidic-ly disgusting meatloaf laboratory. so that reading this doesn't take as long as it takes for christina aguilera to change her hairstyle, ill leave you with one example

The Andre 3000:

This move can occur when eating with any number of fools, but is most prevalent when you are with 1-2 other people.

You get your food. you get your table. essentially, you are all ready to go all out on your food because since you go to college you are always hungry and can't constantly snack on food like you do at home. but there is one thing missing. The other people.

Yea, you could sit down and eat by yourself until the others come. but you would much rather wait until someone else is at the table. because getting caught eating alone is the equivalent of social suicide. if you're caught eating alone people will judge you. and you cant have that. because then you will be considered an outcast. and when that happens, roses really smell like pooh-ooh-ooh.

Thus, you stall. you do everything possible to make sure that you are not the first person to sit down. it turns into this kind of game of who is gonna man up and sit down first.

**there are many variations of this game. however, in the interest of time, i will only elaborate on a few.

potential options when caught in the ANDRE 3000:

leave the table and get more food even though you actually have no intention to actually eat that food.

leave the table and get a drink. but to maximize time, make sure you take extra long when deciding upon what drink.

leave to get some more food, then a drink, then a fork. o wait, you forgot a knife, so now you have to go get that.

walk around and find people to talk to. this strategy is high risk high reward. consider the consequences.
-if you see a friend, your golden. you could stage a conversation that is much more elaborate than it really should be. this option usually bodes well, as it allows you to maximize your stall-time. plus, your homie will probably have a higher opinion of you for being overly friendly
-at the same time, this could turn out disastrous. what if you see an adam lambert? or even worse, a southwest airliner? (read last post if you are now more clueless than Brittany Murphy)

man up and sit down. very bold strategy, but at least you get to eat. and i dont know about you, but i like food. so much that it used to be one of my activities on facebook. and once its on facebook, you know it means business.

Thats it for today. i'd like to thank you all for the feedback, as it generally seems to be of the proton variety. if there is anything that you would like me to discuss, send me an owl.

song of the day: apparently thursday is the new friday. party up


1 comment: