Friday, April 30, 2010

Adderall or nothing

I'm fired up.

The monster inside me rages like King Kong, ready to bust out of those chains and cause complete devastation to everything and anything in its path. Nothing gets a free pass. I don't care about your sympathies. Just get the fuck out of my way.

My head begins to pound like stacks of british currency. Body shaking, knees aching, and mind quaking, I charge on.

It's almost 3 in the morning. Other than a few overachieving stragglers with no social lives, the business school building is completely empty. Well, not totally empty. A mound of psychology facts and figures seems to have been kindly mutating uncontrollably on my desk over the past hour, menacingly mocking my unproductivity.

I begin to panic, even though I wasn't at the disco. Despite the fact that I had been studying for this test for days on end, there was still so much I still didn't know. Clearly, my usual preparation tactics had failed me. Yea, I studied more excessively than the rate at which Lil' Wayne Portland Trail Blazes, but I clearly needed an extra boost. An extra push. An extra edge.

Like any good war strategist, I came to battle with a solid second option. I unleashed the beast

Yep, that's what the kids are calling it these days.

So I drank my third monster energy drink of the day. And it worked. Almost immediately, I became more focused than that type of orange juice that thinks really hard (concentrate). For about three solid hours, I was on a tear. I was rocking my pysch book harder than Ben Folds and the suburbs.

6am rolls around. The overachievers must live there, because two of them hadn't left. Watching the sun rise, I make the triumphant trek back to my apartment. I believed that I had mastered my material.

 I was psyched.

Sleep: 7-11am
Class: 11:30-1
Lunch/Business meeting with friend, pertaining to the music video we are producing: 1-2
Crank out an article for the Hoya: 2-2:30
Class/studying more psych: 2:30-3:45

I am still drinking monster. I have some time to kill before my test and I just couldn't deal with going over Meaney's rat experiments and other pointless bullshit, so I sneak away to the piano rooms and serve up a quick blink 182 special. Work sucks, I know.

4:15. The moment of truth has arrived. I got my number two pencil and i'm ready to gooooo.....


The test was downright impossible. Not even Tom Cruise could have gotten an A.

Part of me feels like I made a bigger mistake than the United States of America in the 2000 election. And throw in 2004. Because I was pissed off on two terms.

One, my hard work didn't seem to pay off. Two, I had unleashed the beast. And for what? A C+ on a measley teest?

I have been drinking strange energy supplements continuously throughout this semester. No, I am not addicted to the stuff. But I might as well be.

The worst part of it is, I have no choice. If I could stop the rampaging behemoth, I would. Believe me. But the situation has gotten way out of hand.  I have to unleash the beast.

Well, I don't have to. There's always that option of failing out of school. I hear society loves that one.

What we are faced with here is a good old fashioned game of project triangle.

Todays contestants: GPA, Passion, Sleep.

You are only allowed to pick two out of the three.

GPA is a must. If you don't got one, you might as well walk into your job interview with a dunce cap. And no job=no money. And although we always say money isn't everything, lets cut the bullshit for at least a second. No money=societal outkast.

Sad, but true.

Sorry sleep, but I have to choose passion. Because if I don't, my soul will always be sleeping. Even if I set three alarms.

The worst part is, theres no money back guarantee. Losing sleep doesn't equal automatic GPA boost. But just like washing hands in a restuarant bathroom, it is strongly recommended.

To be honest, i'm freaked out. I may be destroying my body with these energy supplements. And for what? A job that i'm going to have to quit because i'll have heart problems from drinking too many energy supplements?

Now we're back to square one.

I don't know about you, but I can't seem to find a solution to this problem.

Maybe the limit does not exist.

song of the day: Up, up, and away: Kid Cudi

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Addicted to the Shindig

Today's society is rather silly, and we all know it.

In that scary thing called the "real world," some people will do almost anything to get that ca$h money. True passion often takes a backseat to eight hour days of staring at a screen, sipping on below average coffee. The gig wouldn't be completely awful, but the dude in the cubicle next to you breathes louder and more nasal-y than this character:

The kicker? The paycheck is fatter than sum 41's lip

Ok, i'm not gonna say mo money equals mo problems. I want to make it rain just as much as the next guy. I just want to make sure you aren't closing any doors before you should, because most of them are locked from the outside. And yes, they are protected against alohamora.

Today we're going take a few of our favorite Hollywood friends and discover their true identities.  No "shoulda coulda woulda's" required. Batteries not included.

Astronaut Cudi

The 26 year old still calls himself a kid. Clearly, he is going through an Identity crisis.

Up, up, and away? Man on the moon? This is a better fit than Ashton Kutcher in "The Guardian"

M Night Shymalan as the director of Bambi

A match made in heaven

Lil Jon as the spokesperson of a bad cell phone company

Can you hear me now?


Lindsey Jacobellis as a contestant on the show "Wipeout"

She would finally be able to capture that elusive gold medal....

Michael Cera as Mufasa 

Strong, confident, and fearless Cera is perfect for the role. He screams King of the Jungle. Just look at that pose. Move aside, James Earl Jones

song of the day:

Can't Stop: Red Hot Chili Peppers

because in our own little right, we are all addicted to the shindig

Sunday, April 25, 2010

The Midd Kid Revolution

Let's be honest. In the grand scheme of things, most days are exceedingly irrelevant. Most days could be crossed off the calendar before they even start. Yawn.

Why do I flood you with such unwarranted negativity?

Because sadly enough, the majority of your days are muddled in routine. And unless your life script features Shia LeBouf, you're not going to get too much transformation in your filmography.

Luckily, for every Shia LeBouf, there exists a Megan Fox. 

hope you don't mind the pic. thought so.

Add Megan Fox to your life script, and the game completely changes. Yawns become fawns, mundane becomes  insane, and moaner becomes....

Maybe that wasn't the best of metaphors, but it certainly caught your attention. 

Every now and then, something comes along that challenges our life script. Motivational, inspirational and overall sensational, this "something" refreshingly disrupts conventional wisdom, offering a new way produce your indigenous blockbuster screenplay. 

In 1969,  a generation defined itself by sticking it to the man and his rich uncle. These days, those fields are just as legendary as the grounds at Gettysburg.   

In 1984, Apple Inc. told us to think different. 25 years later, iCan do pretty much anything iWant. 

And in 2010, these guys made a music video:

Call me crazy, but this video is the start of something bigger than John Mayer's body.

It's the start of a cultural revolution.

Produced by students at Middlebury College, "Midd Kid" encapsulates the aura of our generation. It encapsulates our persona. It encapsulates our swag.

Yes, this is video is absolutely ridiculous on several accounts. But that's the beauty of it. Because Mid Kidd is the product of true, uninhibited learning. It respects the institution of higher education just enough to mock it. By creating an overly dramatic, semi-indie, exaggeratedly stereotypical mantra of college life, this explosion of audio and visual eye candy creates an image that is not only appealing, but relate-able.

No, I have never been to Middlebury College. I know one kid who goes there, and I haven't spoken to him since the time when myspace was more popular than facebook. But after watching this video more times than
the rate at which the band disturbed screams during their songs, I feel like I go there. The Midd Kid video, while embracing cultural idiosyncrasy's at Middlebury, offers a funny, yet highly accurate and culturally relevant commentary on both college life and pop culture.

Asher Roth meets the Lonely Island. Jay Z meets Robert Frost. Boy meets World.

Ok, scratch the third one.

Above all, Midd Kid embodies the ethos of our generation, and translates it into success. It tells us that achievement can be fun. Shirt and ties are not always required to make it rain in the real world. These guys are walking proof of that.

"I’m a Midd Kid yo and I’m livin’ it up
but I got too much work so I’m “Lib”in it up
Don’t get me wrong man I do what I please
feelin’ great cause I am and I gotta succeed"

Translation: Yea, i'm staying in to do homework, but its not because I have to. Its because I want to.  Getting good grades is part of my swag, and I'm damn proud of that.

Lastly, the references to pop culture are sweeter than that girl wyclef jean raps about.

"I get in box like gmail"- funny, raunchy, and at the same time, comments on the inferno that is the Google revolution

Polo shirts, northface, and all the classics. Lax Bro's, don't take offense, but every generation needs a stereotype. Move over, gangstaaa's

Let's recognize the fact that these guys are ushering in a new time. Our time. These guys have paved the way for us to shine. Let's give some fools sunburn.

If you don't, you're just a f*cking muggle.

Mountain Creek Pump Up

Passion trumping logic. Inspiration on the reg.

 Plus, I think Lewis Black does the voice. No mute button required

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Play Like A Champion Today

We are all obsessed with the next big thing.

Don’t believe me?

What about that midterm you’ve got coming up? No, you haven’t actually started studying.  But it’s looming over you like those really dark clouds right before a big thunderstorm. And you’ve got to get to work before the lightning strikes, otherwise it’s all over.

What about that formal in three weeks? You need to find something to wear. And quick. Because if your dress isn’t absolutely perfect, you may as well hitch a train to ridicule city. Population you.

People are always talking about what’s next. It’s like whatever is going on now clearly isn’t good enough. Ever.

Go to a pregame, and I guarantee you the primary topic of conversation is when everyone should leave for the party. Obviously that’s not a terrible thing to talk about at a pregame, but it’s the concept that kills me. People are so consumed with the potential, they seem to forget about the actual.

The pregame might actually have been fun. But since you spent the whole time texting some kid that you don’t even like, only because he happens to know where some party is, you wouldn’t know.

The funny thing is, there’s a good chance that you’ll get to that party you wanted to so desperately leave for and want to leave after about five minutes. You’ve talked to everyone you know. The line for the keg is way way way too long. And the dance floor is more crowded than the DMV.

You’ll spend the night party hopping. You may find one that is suitable, but party hopping is kind of like eating a bag of Chex Mix. You’ll keep eating whatever random shit you find in the bag, but not because you actually likethe little rice squares. The only reason you are still eating is because you have the bag, so you might as well. The only reason why you continue to party hop is because this party sucks, so we might as well find the next one. What else is there to do?

Maybe this party doesn’t suck. Maybe you just never gave it a chance.

Anticipation is dangerous. Although it’s sometimes important to gameplan for the future, I wouldn’t devise a full playbook too far ahead. Because you never know when you may have to make an in-game adjustment. Someone might get injured.

I am as much as a victim as anyone. Finishing up my second year of school, I can’t wait to move on. I can’t wait to finish up with finals and cruise on into summer. I can’t wait to spend  my next semester abroad.

I can’t wait to go to Denmark. It’s all I’ve been thinking about for the past month.

Maybe it’s because I’ve hit a wall here at Georgetown, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I’m just sick and tired of the same old routine. Maybe it’s because I want adventure. Maybe it’s because I’ve had more drama this year than a full season of the OC. Maybe I just want to experience something different.

Those are all valid points. But maybe, just maybe, all I’m doing is waiting for the next big thing.

Soon enough, we will all have graduated from our respective institutions. We will all have 9-5 jobs with little time for anything except our families, that one TV show we really like, calling babysitters, and making reservations at decently classy but-not-too-expensive Sushi restaurants.  

Soon enough, there will be no time for waking up at 12 just because we can. There will be no time for getting Taco Bell at 3:30 am because we feel like it. There will be no time for getting shitfaced on a Wednesday. There will be no time for wearing pink sunglasses and backwards hats, and still managing to look good.

If you are always looking towards grad school, college will never be the best four years of your life.

Play like a champion today.

 If you don’t, you’ll never know how to win in the future. 

Song of the day: Stuntin Like Mufasa

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Marketing 101

Move along, Move along. 

I was standing on line today to get a cup of coffee. Well, cup probably isn't the best word here. I'd consider it more a giant macro mug of doom. 

It looked a little something like this:

I'm not gonna lie, the baby kind of freaked me out a little bit. But then I realized it was the new promotion. 

Yep. It was buy a large coffee, get a free baby day. 

That kind of got me thinking. Businesses clearly need to wake up and smell the Aromashadu. 

Promotions that clearly should exist:

-Buy an ice cream cone, get a free zoot suit

Its common knowledge that nobody likes Ice cream. In fact, that recent survey that is really official said that 9 out of 10 children (on crack) would prefer zucchini over ice cream. 

Add a zoot suit, and ice cream is suddenly more popular than Aaron Carter for the 5 minutes people cared about him. I want candy. 

Buy a watch, get a free Gilbert Gottfried 

Watches are boring. Plus, they are going out of style faster than razor scooters. 

With Gilbert Gottfried in the mix, the watch instantly becomes more vibrant than Christina Aguilera's many hair styles. Not to mention, who wouldn't want to be reminded of an urgent appointment via a classic "YOU'RE LATE, JAFAR!"

Buy A Lewis Black, Get a Free Mute Button

With the Mute button, many people will be saved from developing deafness, a side-effect of listening to this individuals lethally obnoxious shouting. Apparently, though, his victims are happy that they have become deaf, so that they don't have to hear his god-awful humor anymore. 

Buy a Gun, Get all of the seasons of "Just Shoot Me"

I mean, they asked for it, right?

Buy a Box of Wheaties, Get a free Duke Men's Lacrosse Team

talk about product placement.....

Song of the day:

Savage, Hip Swing

"I think that's all he's really got"


Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Reese pieces and pullover fleeces

The Broletariat revolution is upon us. Help me stop it before its too late:

In other news, the song of the century came out the other day. I have listened to it more frequently than the rate at which chip skylark looks at his teeth.

Song of the century: Airplanes: B.o.B featuring Hayley Williams from paramore

Combining southern hip hop and suburban rock is kind of like combining bacon, eggs, and pasta. You'd think its nasty, but in reality, its better than Ezra. and i don't even know ezra, but i hear he's pretty good.

Since i kind of shortchanged you with this post, i'll provide a rather entertaining video.

Everyone has done this at some point in their lives:

Monday, April 19, 2010

The Passion Pit

You've heard this message a thousand times. I'm not trying to drive home the point or anything. I just feel like it may be beneficial to think outside the bun for a change. A black bean burrito could only hold so much. Plus, Italian food is better.

I know you've gotten the memo, but college is a time to explore. Sort of like Prince Henry the Navigator. Actually, not at all like prince henry the navigator. because he has a destination.

Destinations are bad. Really bad.

I know, I know. Without a destination you could be more lost than Desmond. But honestly, I think that's the whole point brotha.

my dude.

What i'm trying to tell you is that you should explore, but don't pre plan you're route too far ahead. If you do, you'll only be focused on the end product, the end route, the end goal. Everything you do will be focused towards that. nothing else. because you don't have time for anything else. All you have time for is your stuck up ambition to be a doctor or whatever, so you have to study at lau for hours on end just to maintain a respectable GPA so that you could go to med school, and do the same exact thing there. Its a never ending cycle. A cycle, might I add, that has become so ingrained in your routine that you could do it in your sleep.

I don't know about you, but I'd like to be awake when i'm alive.

Take the high road and be a crystal baller for once. If worse comes to worse, you could always navigate your way back to the main road. there is something called GPS. Make sure you don't get Garmin though. They have god-awful commercials.

Sometimes, the high road has a really good chinese restaurant that you would have never been aware of had you stayed on I-95. Sometimes, the high road introduces you to some really sweet band that automatically becomes your favorite because they are just the best, and then because you took the high road, it leads to an interview with them on your radio show. Sometimes, the high road allows you to find your passion.

I came into Georgetown as a naive, bubble wrapped young laddie. "You should major in government," said the ambitious voice inside my head."

"Its Georgetown," it continued. "You could become some big wig lobbyist someday. With a degree in government, you'll make the cash flow more than Ace Hood."

I took some government classes. They were pretty good GPA boosters, and they probably would have lead me down the road to ca$h money.

But as I started traveling down that road, I fucking hated it. I saw pretentious ostentatiousness. I saw bullshit that I simply didn't care about. I saw a passionless, souless, probably divorced big shot who was in many way similar to Mr. Potter from its a wonderful life. I looked in the mirror, and the reflection was nonexistent*

No, I am not a vampire

Enter, sophomore year. "You like psychology," said the voice. "Take it. Its somewhat of a hard science, and it'd look good on your resume"

Again, I listened to the voice. I signed up for intro to psych.

It was somewhat interesting, but the class was harder to sit through than a 3 hour seminar about the history of wood lice. I ended up skipping class more than my lou. I studied hard for the midterms, but in the end my lack of passion didn't cut it. I ended up with a B+. Not terrible, but coming from an ambition ridden family where you're older brother is a big time investment banker and you're parents expect you to bring home just as much bacon, terrible.

"You could have done better," said the voice. "Take some more psych classes. Actually, minor in it. It's a good supplement to majoring in American studies."

Again, I listened to the voice. I signed up for three psych classes.

Almost a semester later, I now realize I made a bigger mistake than Grady Little when he left Pedro in during game 7. To put it simply, I am struggling in all three classes. I'll study really hard for the finals and salvage a manageable grade, but certainly nothing that'll impress the scouts.

I took the high road. Judging from what I just said, you probably think that I made the wrong choice.

Not exactly. Digressing was perhaps the best thing that ever happened to me. Stuck in the regurgitation nation that is psychology classes, I also found my reflection.

Clearly, my classes weren't satisfying my academic zeal. So that I quenched my intellectual thirst, I started a blog. I started to write. And write. And write. And write. 

Yep, the italics were totally necessary. Totes Magotes.

Maybe i'll hit a wall someday. But right now, I couldn't be happier. My GPA may be taking a hit, but when everything is said and done, numbers are just numbers. Passion doesn't have a value.

Everything in life is a choice. I could choose to never post anything ever again. I could choose to hold grudges. I could choose to stop hating doritos

pshh, like that would ever happen.

Don't follow your mapquest too strictly. Because the last thing you want to do is to be looking at the world through your rearview, wondering what if.

song of the day: Third Eye Blind, Crystal Baller

**P.s that med school comment was not a shot at anyone or anything. If thats your thing, go for it

Sunday, April 18, 2010

I need college

I'm moving. kind of

I'm not really moving. I guess my displacement is more akin to Skeeter Valentine's in that episode in Doug where he claims he is moving. Doug is all upset and bummed out because his best friend will be gone, but it turns out that Skeeter was just moving his bedroom to his basement.

(now would be a good time to do that honking thing he always did) What a blue buffoon.

Tiki barber is missing Ron Dayne. Clearly.

Anyway, I got somewhat of a job at this place called "I need college" Apparently that phenomenon is a must have these days, so i figured i'd go give people some. Anyways, i'll be writing for them twice a week or so, so some of my posts will be transferred to there.

My posts for I need college will be, as always, of the awesome sauce variety. If you have any ideas for posts, show me what you got (lil mama)

Here's my first post. It's about the five songs that you need to have for your college pregame in order to make it cooler than school children.

If you comment on it, i'll love you. Always, forever. Near and far, oceans together.

song of the day

All American Rejects: Night Drive

some solid madden 06 action

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Even If Entire Team Returns, Georgetown Loses A Star

Georgetown did not have a senior day this past season. After all, with no four-year veterans on the roster, why would they?

I’ll tell you why.

Sometimes a team subsists beyond those on the court. Sometimes, a team transcends the 40 minutes during which it is on the court. Sometimes, a team is defined by a community.

Though the Hoyas did not lose any players to graduation, they did lose an integral contributor to the Georgetown basketball program. Arguably, the Blue and Gray lost the heart and soul of their team.

For the first time in what seems like forever, cheerleader Eric Cusimano will no longer be manning the sidelines.

I know what you’re thinking. Really? A cheerleader?

Believe it or not, Cusimano has emerged as the singular face of Georgetown Basketball over the past four years--and for good reason. Eric is no ordinary cheerleader.

In his four years on the hilltop, Eric developed the uncanny ability to ignite even the bleakest of crowds. Whether it was personally running through the student section to ensure that the crowd was fired up, spontaneously starting “We Are Georgetown” chants with such force that his voice could be easily identified when watching on television, or waving that Georgetown flag with vigorous pride worthy of a D-Day Solider, Eric never held anything back.

If you have ever seen the spirited manner by which Cusimano charged onto the court to introduce the Hoyas game in and game out, you will also know that the word “passion” can only begin to describe the perpetual zeal expressed by this extremely talented individual.


Above all, the New Orleans native is an athlete. In fact, his background in football is largely responsible for his initial decision to start cheerleading

In high school I was a football player,” said Cusimano. “Katrina hit in august my senior year, so the season was cut short--but we had it nonetheless. After the season was over, I hit this gap of not going to practice in the afternoon….No incentive to stay in shape.”
Enter, Cheerleading

“My stepmom was the cheerleading coach, and because it was an all male school, she was required to have same amount of guys as girls, and people moved because of Katrina so she needed some people. After a few practices I just fit in.”

When he arrived at Georgetown, Eric decided to continue jogging down the cheerleading path.

“I saw it as an opportunity to get involved and just a chance to be different”  

From enthralling NCAA tournament buzzer beaters to monumental upsets (thanks, Ohio), Eric has seen it all in his immaculate four-year career. For the Capitol Hill intern however, one moment particularly stands out.

“The singular most memorable moment would be the president coming to the Duke game this past year. During games we do this move called the cupe, when you hold the girl above your head. It’s always the kind of thing that’s a little shaky, but for whatever reason, that one stuck. I knew the President could see it, and not many people get to cheerlead in front of the President.”

Eric was not always the bold, confident, overwhelmingly charismatic individual that will receive his degree in about a month’s time. Cusimano cites his growth as a cheerleader through the most demanding of pregame rituals; waving the massive Georgetown Hoya flag.

“In the beginning I was terrified. I was a freshman. I had taken over for a guy who had done it for awhile. What if you fall? What if the flag breaks? There are so many what ifs the first time you actually do it.”

Eventually, the honorable procedure became old hat for “Showtime” Cusimano.

“As time goes by it becomes part of what you do on gameday. It’s always kind of a moment because you’re the first one on the court. For the bigger games when the stadium is full, there is nothing else like it.”

For Cusimano, cheerleading is not just a sport. It is a lifestyle. In fact, his undying dedication to cheerleading enabled him to become not just the face of Hoya basketball, but the face of the entire Georgetown Community.

“Being a cheerleader in high school was just the next activity,” said Cusimano. “Here, it enabled me to do everything else. People already knew who I was…. Oh, you’re a cheerleader, come do this. That’s how I got involved in NSO, in GAAP, tour guiding. Being a cheerleader made it easy for me to see all these other opportunities on campus and dive into to them. It helped knowing a lot of people, and hoping that those people would trust me to be a good representative of the school.”

Eric has been more than a good representative of the school. In many ways, he has cemented himself as a legend.

Yea, he may not be Greg Monroe. But Eric has left definitely left some pretty big shoes to fill.

song of the day, 

Apparently I completely whiffed on that last song of the day. Call me David Ortiz

Now, time for a home run:

Everybody's got something to hide except me and my monkey: the beatles

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Let the beat build, Mr. Fitch

Following up the super mash bros is just about as easy as having one of those meals from the show "man vs. food" as an appetizer. Lest, for the greater good of this tricky little thing called the human race, I will certainly try.

Yes, I actually just used the word "Lest." I know the word is more outdated than the walkman (yes, there was a world before i-pods), but i'm bringin it back. Lester we forget, our favorite Oaks construction worker.

That was an esoteric reference. If you got that one, you deserve a state of the art collegiate athletic facility named after you. Built in part by Lester Oaks construction worker.

Todays time waster: Top 5 best/worst cereal mascots of all-time.

Lets start with the bad:

5. Lucky the Leprachaun

This guy is basically the keebler elf, only 1000 times less cool. First of all, his irish accent is just about realistic as the premise of "jimmy neutron, boy genius." Which by itself, would be fine. The thing that really gets me is his unwarranted selfishness. Lucky wouldn't even give a homeless guy his cereal.

4. Toucan Sam
See full size image
Upon first meeting Toucan Sam, the colorful chap comes off the coolest bird since articuno. After watching his commercials for 15 years however, I am convinced that he works for the legion of doom. Why do I say this? Well, Toucan Sam is more shifty than that button on the keyboard below enter. Consider a typical fruit loops commercial. One moment you'll be sitting peacefully under a tree, and the next moment you'll be rowing a rickety boat through a furious hurricane. Be warned; this guy is clearly out to get you.

3. The Cookie Crisp Dog
This guy is the Bernie Madoff of cereal- he's by far the biggest crook in the industry. He'll lure you in, howling away his brains like a madman until you are convinced that cookies for breakfast is a doggone good idea.

Then of course, you eat that pathetic excuse for the cereal, only to realize that he used your money to go win the westminster classic

2. The Trix Rabbit

I wouldn't draft this dude for your dodgeball team- just look at him, he's probably more uncoordinated than old guy who does the free credit score commercials. Anyway, the Trix Rabbit isn't a bad guy- he means well. He's just lost. Clearly he needs to realize that he is an adult. He better start acting like one, otherwise his parents are going to be sick and tired of his lack of direction in life, and threaten to kick him out of the house, even though both sides know that it is an empty threat.

1. Buzzbee
This guy is just the worst. More annoying than your 8 year old brother commenting about how AWWEESSOME that new video game is, and more smug than that guy with the 3.97 GPA majoring in international security law politics finance studies, the Bee is a perfect storm of everything that is evil in the world. JFK's assassination? yep, it was buzzbee.

Buzzbee, you represent an exceedingly average cereal. Get over yourself

Glad thats over. I was getting so angry at buzzbee I was going to slam my baseball glove to the ground and punch the wall with my pitching hand in anger. Now to the good stuff.

Top 5 best cereal Mascots:

5. Count Chocula

The only reason our friend count chocula is not higher up on the list is due to the fact that his cereal is not very good.

Far and away the coolest title of any cereal mascot. And even with such a prestigious title, Count Chocula remains true to himself. He hasn't let the fame get to him. Just look at him smile. So innocent. So sweet. So in need of some extra teeth.

4. Captain Crunch

I think everyone of us has wanted to be "crunchitized" at some point in our lives. Christopher Columbus who?

3. Sonny

If only I was this enthusiastic about folding my laundry....

Definitely the most unflappable cereal mascot ever. If I was the owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, i'd hire Sonny in an instant. With Sonny, losing would actually be fun.

2. Snap, Crackle, and Pop

The outfits are immaculate. Note the hats. Even though they don't actually fit on their head, they still look stunning....sound familiar?
Their names flow better than the Pi-rah-na's in the Am-a-zon. Their cereal is tastier than fun-fetti cake. And to top it all off, they have managed to keep the business in the family.

1. Tony the Tiger

In his spare time, Tony is a bodyguard, professional wrestler, a motivational speaker, bodybuilder, bungee jumping enthusiast, watercolor artist, and professional bullfighter.

Outkast's hit "I like the way you move," was based off this renaissance tiger.

Tony can do it all. He has definitely earned each and every one of his stripes. And above all, he's the most honest mascot of them all. He really speaks the truth. Nothing more, nothing less.

Keep up the good work Tony. You're grrrrrrrrreat.

Cliche much?

Thats it for today, kiddo's. Stay off the toad.

Revolution. out.

Song of the day: A dedicated blog reader requested something from the not 80's, 90's, or the decade during which Winonah Rider shoplifted a lot of stuff. Great call, Marko. Even I was getting a little tired of boy bands and kurt cobain's heroine stash.

definitely don't drink every time you hear thunder.. that would be a silly game, now wouldn't it

Monday, April 12, 2010

Falcon Punch: Exclusive Interview with Super Mash Bros.

On Saturday, April 10th, my radio show had the immaculate pleasure of interviewing the greatest DJ's/interpretive dancers of all time, Super Mash Bros.

Yes, this was kind of a big deal. In fact, it was such a huge deal that it was even too much for Howie Mandel

Here's your starting lineup. warm-ups included. and yes, we all got a pair of those sweet rip-off pants:

Ethan Dawes: Super Mash Bros, Justin Beiber worshipper
Nick Fenmore: Super Mash Bros, Miley Cyrus a capella extraordinaire
Lance Pauker: resident idiot
Evan Karr: Yes, New Mexico does exist
Erin Landy: row, row, row, your boat

Alright, i'll stop joking around and get to the good stuff. awwwwwwww, here it goes:

I introduce everyone and proceed to talk about how pumped we are, citing that if the interview was a party, we'd be on the top of banisters tearing down the Gryffindor flag and such. Nick totally catches my vision.

Lance: So, were gonna ask these fine sirs a few questions. So first of all, where’d you get your start?

Nick: It’s funny, we get that question a lot. And uh, people are always kind of let down

The entire room chortles after that last remark. Whatever happened to those things, chortles? they were the best snack food.

Nick: It was just a bunch of dudes hanging out one day just messing around on laptops and a buddy of ours actually dared us to start making music because he thought we couldn’t be as good as girl talk, so we made an album and then it kind of spread like wildfire on the internet

Evan: is that a challenge to girltalk?

Nick: I mean, we're huge girl talk fans, but we try to carve our own little niche out and try not to compare ourselves too much for him..... For the average person who doesn’t know who we are yea,, we sound like girltalk

Ethan: we need to come up with a better inception story. Like a peyote trip through the desert or something

Lance; Like in zoolander?

Ethan: yea like, they come to peace through whatever drugs theyre doing… theres and an orgasm…

Nick: Only if I could be the little tribesmen guy.

I am obviously thrilled, as Zoolander is probably the best movie of all time. And even though the radio booth is quite small, it is not a center for ants.

Evan: Ok, so you guys have got some crazy song title names

Lance: Yea, big fans of those

Nick: just wait till the next ones

Evan: Yea, anyway, are these just random bits of genius you guys come up with?

Nick: The majority of them probably come out of this guy right here (gesturing to ethan.) He is a master. They’re all inside jokes with are friends, they all have to do with someone we know.

Ethan: Clearly the music we don’t take ourselves very seriously. We just want kids to be able to laugh from it. I think its safe to say we’re the first group who has a song title that involves a twitter

Nick: and animal rights

Lance: are you guys gonna be on the hills?

Nick: the hills is done. We released the album and then like two weeks later they were like “aand were not doing the show anymore.”

Ethan: Yea, someone e-mailed me and were like, yea were really interested in doing an interview. And then when I told him we hadn’t actually gotten on the hills he was like nevermind

I hate AIM abbreviations more than smartfood white cheddar popcorn (just awful), but LMFAO would be a good fit here. Yes.

Evan: solid sign of American pop culture these days

Lance: Yea, so I have a little question. how do you happen to get all these artists in the same studio recording all at one time? Its crazy..

Nick: Well, basically I call Ludacris, and luda hits up Lil Wayne, and then Lil Wayne somehow has a connection to the vengaboys, and then we just go from there

For the first time in the interview, Ethan brings up his favorite human being on the planet, Justin Bieber

Nick: Yea, we hear that guy is impossible to reach

Ethan: he just does waay to many drugs

Lance: Great role model for the kids

Ethan: yea, huge

Evan: Thanks lance, we all need role models

This would have been the perfect time to insert a joke about Paul Rudd and that dude who plays stiffler. Eminem would have been disappointed that I didn't cash in on my one shot, one opportunity

Lance: If you look on your facebook everyones all like “whens your next album coming out blah blah blah” Maybe you guys get annoyed at that, I don’t know. But I guess what we wanna ask is can you guys give us any insight to the album? I mean, we were talking before and we’d love to see a combo of james taylor and miley cyrus mashups.

At this point, I vividly picture Miley Cyrus singing "Carolina in my mind." Cringe.

Nick: yea, we are shooting for the summer. Probably The later summer. Right in time to go back to college is what were thinking…. I mean I hope so. We have a goal, but were college students just like everyone else and we get lazy

Ethan: and drunk

Erin: Can you give us a taste?

Ethan: like a capella?

Nick: Okay, (to Ethan) I’ll sing the miley part and you sing…

Laugh riot at the Hyatt: engage

Nick: Track titles I think will be at their all time best for sure. We’d love share them but the suspense will be wonderful.

Ethan: Hopefully the tracks will be as good as the titles

Nick: We have to live up to that, for sure

Lance: So, whats your vision for what you guys are, what you guys wanna be, what you guys wanna do with this project?

Nick: We started off really just having fun and I think that’s been whats keeps us all together. When people try and critique us artistically, yea we spend tons of time working out creative thought here and there and trying to make music that’s thoughtful, but at the end of the day were just trying to make people dance and have fun… and when people try and label us this and that, its like, were really just dudes DJ-ing music. I mean were not that much different than any other DJ except we have worse ADD and bad song selection

Ethan: we feel like a lot fo our success is definitely due to the internet for sure and just word of mouth. Were trying to just give kids as much to take in as possible. Even just apart from the music itself. From every show were doing now were putting out a video- you’ll see a Georgetown video hopefully by next week

Erin: On youtube, or Dvd, VHS?

Ethan: I think were going with beta....No cause its like our audience, and were completely gratified, and were really trying to just, you know, feed the animals

Feed the animals was an album released by Girltalk....subliminally, feed the animals can be coded for "everyone's got something to hide but me and my monkey"

Lance: you guys have certainly helped my music education, I mean, candy by mandy moore is now one of my favorite songs…

This is completely true. no lie, ballin.

Lance: so I guess, the last question, its probably the most important. Backstreet boys or NSYNC

Ethan: I’d say, O town

Everyone reacts favorably to that terrific snipe by Ethan

Nick: Can I say, LFO?.. Summer girls? Abercrombie, and fitch?

Erin: I just did a talent show, and performed that in front of at least seven people

Having never performed in front of people before, Ethan is shocked

Ethan: At least people? theres at least 7 people in this room?

Nick: you know what, I’m partial to Justin Timberlake so I’m gonna have to go with N’sync. And Lance bass had quite a beautiful comeback in the pop culture world. And Justin on Saturday night live is another level

Ethan: Lance Bass tried to go to space, right?

Erin: Basstronaut, yeaaa

Lance: Yea, I was always called lance bass

Ethan: Yea, that sucks

The basstronaut title confuses Ethan as to whether or not Lance Bass was in the backstreet boys or N Sync. Lance Bass, obviously crushed by his undetermined identity, starts to sing "quit playing games with my heart."

Nick proceeds to dig into my itunes, which is the biggest honor since before I made the roll and went out of control. Luckily, I have what he is looking for, 99 red balloons by goldfinger.

Nick: Its your boy fen from super mash and you’re listening to 99 red balloons on...

Ethan: W...G...TB

Interview officially done...some highlights from the rest of their visit

-Blink 182's the rock show was on Fen's barmitzvah CD.. Ethan had an olympic themed bar-mitzvah
-When Ethan was 13 years old, whenever he answered the phone, people thought it was his mom
-Fen has the radio voice of our generation, although he disagrees
-Super Mash bros. discovers DJ Jewboy- a match made in heaven

Evan asks if there is any specific genre of music they look to mix with

"Mainly gospel," replies Ethan

In preparation for the show later that night, they have to leave to go do a sound check. This is not confirmed, but reports are that the speed of sound was 10 years delayed due to the presence of third eye blind.

They leave. sniff.

Lance: “how expletive cool was that?”

I didn't actually say expletive.

song of the day:

I think the only rational choice here is O-Town

Friday, April 9, 2010

Insert pop culture reference that pertains to our lives *here*

I was sittin on the dock of the bay, wasting time. And then it hit me.

Maybe it was because I was in one of those vulnerable states where nothing else in the world mattered except for how insanely soothing my feet felt immersed in the serenest of oceans, I don't know. All I know is that pretty much out of nowhere, something clicked. And no, not like that Adam Sandler movie.

You probably are thinking you have no idea what I'm talking about. Its funny how people think that. They'll read something littered with esoteric metaphors and sophisticated adjectives and automatically turn their brains off. Thank God soulja boy never did that with his swag.

Maybe it was the heat of the moment telling me what to do, i'm not really sure. But for whatever reason, I looked down. And what I saw was sheer beauty.

Yea, I saw my reflection....

Hilarious, I know. but that's not what I meant. Because I saw something more. I saw:

-the sign
-your face. now i'm a believer
- mommy kissing santa claus.

But above all, I saw someone at the crossroads. And even though he was more clueless than Brittany Murphy as to which route he should take, I saw a quietly assured confidence. The kind of confidence that doesn't declare itself as such, pretty much the opposite of movies like sherlock holmes. I mean seriously, chill out. Just because you have Robert Downey Jr. AND Jude Law doesn't mean your the greatest thing since those massage chairs at the mall that everyone loves, but never actually buys

I saw someone who claims they aren't afraid to take risks, but deep down they are terrified, because a risk isn't a risk unless it elicits some type of fear.

I saw a chronic sports enthusiast, someone who likes watching sportscenter reruns more than emelio asks to change adam sandler's socks.

I saw someone who has an irrational fear of doritos. I saw a closet emo kid who is proud of being a closet emo kid. I saw someone who embraces the flow of the river, but always makes sure to ride his own boat, just in case the river gets too out of hand. I saw someone that is sometimes more stubborn than one of those picnic tables at the beach that are stuck to the ground but you don't really realize it until your back is thrown out. And trust me, that hurts.

I saw someone that knows they are flawed, but would never change those flaws for anything. I saw someone who acknowledges they wasted their potential in music, so is making up for lost time. I saw hot tub time machine. I saw a realistic idealist. Someone that is programmed to always see the best in people, even though he knows that people don't always bring their best.

I saw pain, but I also saw gain. I saw someone who thinks way too much for his own good, yet thrives on the thought explosion all the same.

I saw someone who likes nothing better than walking down the street with their I pod on full blast, bopping to the rhythm ala Will Smith in the fresh prince intro.

I saw someone who is freaked out by the future, but doesn't really care because he is on fire. And I think he's ready to bust a move.

Wow, that was longer than that speech given out by that one random administrator nobody cares about at high school graduation. I know I gave you a list the length of a years worth of grocery shopping, but to be honest, you could scratch that.

I saw a brand. my brand.

If that was narcisstic, I apologize. But not really.
Always make sure that you are your biggest fan. Because if you don't wear your own jersey, do you think anyone else would ever buy it?

I guess what i'm trying to say here is that no matter where life takes you, just always rep who you are. rep your brand.

I don't care if your brand is sitting on the couch all day smoking weed. Its still you. And if you aren't proud of that, you might as well throw away your lighter.

I know half of you are probably just fed up with this post and think this is a complete waste of time, and would like nothing more than for me to remove my tampon and get back to posting random funny shit.

To you I say, GOOD. Because thats your brand. Rep that shit.

song of the day: sittin on the dock of the bay, sara bareilles