Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Let the beat build, Mr. Fitch

Following up the super mash bros is just about as easy as having one of those meals from the show "man vs. food" as an appetizer. Lest, for the greater good of this tricky little thing called the human race, I will certainly try.

Yes, I actually just used the word "Lest." I know the word is more outdated than the walkman (yes, there was a world before i-pods), but i'm bringin it back. Lester we forget, our favorite Oaks construction worker.

That was an esoteric reference. If you got that one, you deserve a state of the art collegiate athletic facility named after you. Built in part by Lester Oaks construction worker.

Todays time waster: Top 5 best/worst cereal mascots of all-time.

Lets start with the bad:

5. Lucky the Leprachaun

This guy is basically the keebler elf, only 1000 times less cool. First of all, his irish accent is just about realistic as the premise of "jimmy neutron, boy genius." Which by itself, would be fine. The thing that really gets me is his unwarranted selfishness. Lucky wouldn't even give a homeless guy his cereal.

4. Toucan Sam
See full size image
Upon first meeting Toucan Sam, the colorful chap comes off the coolest bird since articuno. After watching his commercials for 15 years however, I am convinced that he works for the legion of doom. Why do I say this? Well, Toucan Sam is more shifty than that button on the keyboard below enter. Consider a typical fruit loops commercial. One moment you'll be sitting peacefully under a tree, and the next moment you'll be rowing a rickety boat through a furious hurricane. Be warned; this guy is clearly out to get you.

3. The Cookie Crisp Dog
This guy is the Bernie Madoff of cereal- he's by far the biggest crook in the industry. He'll lure you in, howling away his brains like a madman until you are convinced that cookies for breakfast is a doggone good idea.

Then of course, you eat that pathetic excuse for the cereal, only to realize that he used your money to go win the westminster classic

2. The Trix Rabbit

I wouldn't draft this dude for your dodgeball team- just look at him, he's probably more uncoordinated than old guy who does the free credit score commercials. Anyway, the Trix Rabbit isn't a bad guy- he means well. He's just lost. Clearly he needs to realize that he is an adult. He better start acting like one, otherwise his parents are going to be sick and tired of his lack of direction in life, and threaten to kick him out of the house, even though both sides know that it is an empty threat.

1. Buzzbee
This guy is just the worst. More annoying than your 8 year old brother commenting about how AWWEESSOME that new video game is, and more smug than that guy with the 3.97 GPA majoring in international security law politics finance studies, the Bee is a perfect storm of everything that is evil in the world. JFK's assassination? yep, it was buzzbee.

Buzzbee, you represent an exceedingly average cereal. Get over yourself

Glad thats over. I was getting so angry at buzzbee I was going to slam my baseball glove to the ground and punch the wall with my pitching hand in anger. Now to the good stuff.

Top 5 best cereal Mascots:

5. Count Chocula

The only reason our friend count chocula is not higher up on the list is due to the fact that his cereal is not very good.

Far and away the coolest title of any cereal mascot. And even with such a prestigious title, Count Chocula remains true to himself. He hasn't let the fame get to him. Just look at him smile. So innocent. So sweet. So in need of some extra teeth.

4. Captain Crunch

I think everyone of us has wanted to be "crunchitized" at some point in our lives. Christopher Columbus who?

3. Sonny

If only I was this enthusiastic about folding my laundry....

Definitely the most unflappable cereal mascot ever. If I was the owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, i'd hire Sonny in an instant. With Sonny, losing would actually be fun.

2. Snap, Crackle, and Pop

The outfits are immaculate. Note the hats. Even though they don't actually fit on their head, they still look stunning....sound familiar?
Their names flow better than the Pi-rah-na's in the Am-a-zon. Their cereal is tastier than fun-fetti cake. And to top it all off, they have managed to keep the business in the family.

1. Tony the Tiger

In his spare time, Tony is a bodyguard, professional wrestler, a motivational speaker, bodybuilder, bungee jumping enthusiast, watercolor artist, and professional bullfighter.

Outkast's hit "I like the way you move," was based off this renaissance tiger.

Tony can do it all. He has definitely earned each and every one of his stripes. And above all, he's the most honest mascot of them all. He really speaks the truth. Nothing more, nothing less.

Keep up the good work Tony. You're grrrrrrrrreat.

Cliche much?

Thats it for today, kiddo's. Stay off the toad.

Revolution. out.

Song of the day: A dedicated blog reader requested something from the not 80's, 90's, or the decade during which Winonah Rider shoplifted a lot of stuff. Great call, Marko. Even I was getting a little tired of boy bands and kurt cobain's heroine stash.

definitely don't drink every time you hear thunder.. that would be a silly game, now wouldn't it

1 comment:

  1. Uhm just fyi, thunderstruck came out in 1990, so clearly you didnt follow the readers request