Thursday, March 4, 2010


In a striking development, Georgetown University officials had a meeting about something productive.

Not just that, but they passed an amendment? who knew*?

P!nk did, she wrote a song titled that.

Anyway, this is an informational article. No more jokes. Other than those pictures that are up in midnight mug. they are scary. and nobody knows what they mean. yea, thats a terrific set of artwork, but i am going in there to drink some coffee and maybe listen to their outstanding song selection consisting of All time low, lil wayne featuring robin thicke, passion pit, and Kids (mgmt remix) by chiddy bang. frightening artwork belongs there just as much as that cheer captain who wears short skirts belongs with the guy in that taylor swift video. you know. the best video of all time.

Back to the future. or present. thats what i meant.

In a groundbreaking development, Georgetown University Officials unanimously approved a motion to support, promote, and foster Greek Life on Campus.

The move apparently came after Dartmouth sent the administration a copy of Animal House with a note tied to it that said "St. Elmo's Fire? Really? You have to be UNDER 21 to get into thirds. come on now"
The news has created tremendous excitement amongst one Georgetown's most esteemed, well respected, and powerful communities.

Sorry Corpies, im actually being serious this time. I'm talking about the Jesuits.

Said resident Jesuit Father Peter Catholicism "We couldn't be morus excitedus. Greek life is something that the University has had a strong affinity for. It's just that all the students here have had a strong history of hating partying and having fun, so we didn't want to pressure them. But with the recent state of the economy, we figured the time was right to spend money on something actually useful."

The plan, which will be put into effect as soon as 'students get those sticks out of there asses and just man up already,' will not only radically alter social life at the hilltop, but will also include some major renovations on campus. Operation 'Finally Raging, its About Time,' (more commonly known as F.R.A.T.) calls for some major construction on that side of campus that no one actually goes to.
Once put into action, Operation F.R.A.T, will require the complete destruction of Darnall Hall (finally), St. Marys (which i only found out the other day was actually a building), and that parking lot all the way by reservoir road thats supposed to be part of the hospital even though no one has parked there since John Thompson Sr.

The end result will be a glorious new housing development, reserved exclusively for the popped collar brotherhoods and sisterhoods who wish to engage in this really scary concept known as, 'Greek Life.' And yes, it is scary. Because 'Greek' is a foreign land. And being that Georgetown has no emphasis on internationalism, joining such an organization would be a bigger risk than exing out of facebook on lau 2.

Students have had mixed results about the change in landscape, citing a major drop in both living comforts and social opportunities.

Said Jack O'lastname (SFS 13), "I'm pretty upset about the whole thing. I live in Darnall now, and its just a great place to spend your freshman year because it has all the comforts anyone could ever want. The shower water is always hot, the elevators are really fast, and the rooms are just so spacious. They even have enough room to put up all of my posters and referendums about politicians that nobody else has ever heard of."

When asked why and how he has such posters, O'Lastname responded, "They allow me to flaunt my political knowledge to girls I bring back. Girls these days love pretentious guys."

That they do, Mr. O'Last Name.

"Oh, and my Dad got them for me at that really important people convention," he added.

Catherine Miller (Col 12) also disproved of the change.
"By taking away Darnall they are also taking away Epicurean. And like (pauses to adjust her coach bag), what am I going to do on a Saturday night without Epi!? Its just sooo much fun. I always have enough room to dance, and guys are never on top of me. Plus, the music is always new and interesting. They never overplay songs ever. And its only $10! Its soo worth paying."

Miller then 'stepped out for a second' to take a phone call on her blackberry. She returned an hour later, citing that 'her bestie who i haven't talked to in foreverrrr just called. Oh, i love her.'

"Now that Epi's gone, I don't know what I am going to do." she added. "I can't imagine these frats and sororities doing anything fun. Hopefully they'll come up with some new place to have parties. "

Miller and O'Lastname aren't the only one's dissatisfied with the development. Members of SigEp, AEPi, and B-Frat, all off-campus fraternities unofficially affiliated with Georgetown, have expressed extreme displeasure.

"Its just that since we were kind of flying solo, we built this really good relationship with the school," said Samuel Epstein, Master of AEPi's Georgetown chapter. Being that we are mostly Jewish, Georgetown has always been very accepting of our aims. They have always supported us with whatever we needed. But now that this is happening, were just gonna be like everyone else. And what's even worse is that now were gonna have a house."

"I'm kind of bummed, man" added Brony Hawk, current President of B-Frat. "It's kind of like, come on dude."

Upon completion, operation F.R.A.T. should boast 20 new houses, all exclusively designed for fraternities and sororities. Despite all Georgetown's zoning laws, University Officials have been able to bypass many of the traditional regulations. In fact, the only requirement is that these houses provide enough space for "Shawty to call 9-11, in case there is a fire burnin on the dance floor"

Among the chapters rumored to start up on the hilltop include Sigma Alpha Mu, Beta Rho Omega, and Lamda Alpha Chi

Joe Hoya (MSB 12), an employee at vineyard vines, is pretty torn on which fraternal organization to join, citing that 'they're all flat our sweet choices.'

"I do like flatbread sammies from quiznos," said Joe. "Gotta love the Q. But I mean, the sister sorority of Beta Rho Omega is really hot. I really want some of that."

The largest demographical sore thumb in the history of forever, aka New Jersey, seems to be pretty excited about the new party scene. New Jersey native Matty 'the truth' Raviolioni, one of five Italians on campus, had this to say about operation FRAT.

"Finally, yo. The clubs great for fist pumping, but 'the truth' is only revealed at the frat parties... Shots?"

In preparation for increased debauchery, Georgetown Department of Public Safety has released the following statement:

"Let me see your Go Card."

The change has generated tremendous enthusiasm amongst the Georgetown Community. Allison Leavey-O'Donovon, a longtime Burleith resident, couldn't be happier.

"Its about time the University takes a sensible stance on such a pressing issue," said Leavey-O'Donovon. "College is a time for fun, loudness, and overly obnoxious behavior. Us neighbors understand that. But lets be honest. These kids just don't know how to party. Its gotten so bad that i've had to call SNAPS almost every week."

SNAPS, which stands for Some Noob-Ass Party Stinks, is an organization responsible for breaking up parties that the community deems 'undesirable.' SNAPS is currently experiencing its most active year ever.

These record numbers are obviously a complete embarrassment to anyone associated with Georgetown. Thankfully, we have an administration who cares enough to rectify the problem.

Jesuit Catholicism summed it best:

"Frat, Frat, Frat."

song of the day: ATC, Around the World

ps: that didn't actually happen


  1. Ive never met more of a hufflepuff than Lance Pauker

  2. it's called Opposite of Children, not kids