Monday, March 1, 2010


There is this holy scripture that you are all familiar with. Written by some of the most important people to ever walk this sphere-like thing we call earth, its teachings are more influential than Holden Caulfield is to that 17 year old kid who is struggling to find himself because his life isn't really going according to plan but its all not terrible because he still has blink 182 to listen to. and if that genius musical collaboration isn't heaven-sent, i don't know what is. But then again, the packages i get from UPS usually don't usually come from the pearly gates, so i guess i wouldn't know anyway.

No, i'm not talking about the bible. good guess though. if this blog wasn't as nonsensical as those people who get supersize drinks at places where they have free refills, that would probably be the answer. but its not. what now, morgan spurlock?*

*the guy who made supersize me.

Give up? Well, you shouldn't ever give up because it denotes a lack of self worth. and you are clearly better than that. plus, if you give up enough times, you have no choice but to automatically make mayday parade your favorite band.

prior to making that joke just now, i have never heard a mayday parade song before. thus, i figured i should probably hit them up in order to validate my statement.

the first song that popped up on the big google search was titled 'miserable at best.' point taken.

anyway, back to this holy book i keep hyping up. by now you are probably more eager for the answer than your grandma is for you to eat those cookies she baked for you that you haven't liked since you were six, so i may as well tell you.

What is this groundbreaking work of staggering genius? Believe it or not, you are actually familiar with most of its teachings. even if you haven't read about it. in a book

Religiously or otherwise, all of you have in some degree literally or figuratively bowed down to the awesome power that is the Awesome Texting Manual. The book is downright cash money till the death of it.

there is actually only one copy of the ATM in existence. Although i do happen to know the owner, i will not reveal its whereabouts due to concern for the common good.

but to compensate, ill give you an excerpt:

The book of Verizon: Psalm 'things girls are allowed to text other girls and platonic male friends that guys are not allowed to do'

1. Letter repetition at the end of a wordd. okayyyy. maaaybe this is a little too muchh. but come onn. if i start texting my friends 'heyy, what are your plans tonightt?', i those friends will probably jump the U.S.S. Lance faster than the Flash blinks. by the way, they are coming out with a flash movie. awesome sauce to the max. max keeble's big move, that is
2. Usage of exclamation points. Like the 'fats, oils, and sweets' section of the food pyramid, heterosexual males must use this punctuation mark rather sparingly. Obviously there are some instances where it must be used. For instance- I just got into Harvard! or I have the ability to transform into a frog! but more often than not, the typical maximillian brobespierre must exercise caution when dealing with the exclamation point. otherwise, the brobey maguire who texts 'i'm going to get some shopping done to get some new shit!' may as well buy himself a purse. dolce and gabana, helloooo?
3. Same thing goes with smiley faces. especially with girls. if you want to stay in the friend zone, you must be extremely careful with these. Though seemingly more innocent than that pope dude, the smiley face could actually translate into a full blown crusade for some i don't know, do you?
Think about it this way:
-potential connotations: whats good son, i haven't talked to you in for eva eva how are you doing lets get coffee, that straw stuff thats in barns, soul sister, i want to go consume some food so you should come with me and do that in a completely platonic way, lets go work out because we are conscious about our weight even though we don't need to be
hey :)
-potential connotations: what are you doing tonight, want to go to this party with me and make out? and then maybe come back to my room and well i dont know, do you? :)
and because of the smiley face, the message is interpreted as far from malicious. but just to give all you single ladies the heads up, don't fall for the trick.

alright, thats enough for today. i meant to do party theory, but everyone gets sidetracked. except for roadrunner (he never turns, he always runs straight). and derrick zoolander, of course. it must be tough not to be an ambi-turner. I feel for you guys.

Song of the day: mayday parade (just kidding)

United States of Pop 2009: DJ Earworm

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