Saturday, March 20, 2010

warm kiss>cold goodbye

Best Buy, Wal-mart, Home Depot, MTV, Applebees, Monster Energy, I-Pods, Soulja Boy

Yea, that’s America in a nutshell. Well, not entirely. If that was REALLY America in a nutshell, I would have included this dude:

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I never really liked Mr. Planter, Esq. He always seemed to be really pretentious about everything. And don’t even get me started on that eyepiece. If that doesn’t scream ‘I’m intellectually superior to you,’ I don’t know what does.

Mr. Planter, Esq. is the kind of person who would thrive at cocktail parties that are too classy for pigs n blankets. Consider his game plan:

-upon arrival, Mr. Planter, Esq. will tip his hat to the host in an overly ostentatious manner. He will then ask where to check his coat. Though the move is seemingly harmless, it allows Planter Esq. a chance to mention that he is wearing versatchi.

-He will only drink Belvedere. On the rocks.

- He will reference the fact that he attended Colombia Law at least 15 times

-He will quote a passage of Faulkner in attempt to impress a girl. She is not impressed, and he has to settle for giving her his card. She doesn’t call him.

The main event will commence shortly. Please turn off all cell-phones.

Alright, at least put them on vibrate.


They don't take reservations. For a restaurant, not taking reservations is pretty much the equivalent of taking money and lighting it on fire. Its just plain idiotic.

Why do I make this outrageous metaphor? Well, for one, outrageous metaphors are fun. Seriously though, it baffles me that a place like the cheesecake factory flat out refuses to graciously accept people that are willing to give them money. Think of it this way:

-being that the menu at the cheesecake factory bigger than john mayer's body, it is a perfect place to bring a large party of people, as it offers something for everyone.

-when large parties of people (10 or more, lets say) walk into a restaurant, the waiter/greeting person generally does not say. 'Oh, we have a table for 10 right here! follow me.'

Thus, such parties often make a reservation.

Way to think, cheesecake factory

The portions are more obnoxious than Dane Cook's comedy. The first time i went there, i ordered fried calamari (to SHARE, mind you) as an appetizer to go along with my pasta dish.

The first time i went there, I only had about 3 spoonfuls of my pasta dish.

Naturally, I took the pasta dish home. I ate it the next day for lunch. And the next day.

And the next day.

After a few days, it turned kind of bad. I had to throw it out. There was still a decent amount left.

If you don't know me, you probably don't understand the magnitude of this story. I don't mean to brag, but my eating prowess is about as ferocious as the rate at which fratty mcfrat chugs keystone lights. The fact that I only got through half an appetizer at this place is downright disgusting.

The portions are so big that im fairly confident that the dude from Man vs. food would have a difficult time pounding down a full course meal.

If they opened a cheesecake factory in any African country, they could solve hunger world hunger. its that simple. yet they continue to waste more food than a fashion model who is 'watching her figure'

maybe everyone there secretly works for the town dump, and it is their job to procure as much waste as possible so they could become the champion of utter rubbish.

Regardless, the place is an utter joke. The one in my town has about five floors, and is never crowded. Thats a bigger waste of space than Mel Gibson's synagogue

And finally, after eating the equivalent of three ocra whales and a hippopotamus, they expect you to eat cheesecake. cheesecake? thats just about as logical as mildew smelling perfume.

And they use cheap labor. Cheesecake factory? More like Cheesecake sweatshop.

Song of the day:

Third eye blind is coming to georgetown. boo yah.

Third eye blind, wounded:

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