whoops wrong day. but i'm not gonna be embarrassed about it. even though everyone else is. you know what i'm talking about, right? like, when you are playing music on itunes and suddenly michelle branch accidentally comes on. You blush furiously and even start to sweat a little, clicking many more times than you need to so that you can change the song into something more acceptable to your level of coolness and ironic detachment
I got some advice. chill out. everyone else secretly likes michelle branch too.
Today wasn't a fairytale. In fact, it was far from one of those wondrous super awesome sauce worlds where everything is magical and nothing matters because worries are illegal. like having sex in a car. Apparently thats illegal. who knew?
8:00 ante meridian, eastern standard time
Alarm rings. Fuck. its 8:00 on a sunday morning. why is my alarm ringing. oh yea, its finals. i'm supposed to go study or something.
The evil, devil possessed, "I don't care about anything but myself" part of my mind won this battle. It threatened me with a pitchfork if i didn't go back to sleep. Needless to say, i didn't complain. Waking up that early on a sunday is kind of like voluntarily watching a lecture on how to manufacture leather from organic cow hide. And thats not even a real thing. At least i think its not.
I finally Wakey! Wakey! at like elevenish. The panicky part of my mind its doing its thing. It's all like-- shit lance, what the fuck. you suck, you have to write that paper or else ima keeeel you.
Clearly not wanting to die, I listen. I hop out of bed, fail to insert a song lyric because its finals week and i don't have time to do anything else but study, and walk out of my apartment which still reeks of that awesome sauce dinner evan et kneeaj made a few days ago. It was literally one of the best meals i ever had ever. but then it spoiled. to put it lightly, i would not use that odor to lure the ladies.
Walking out of my apartment I decide to do something different-- Lau Ze Dong was too filled with idiotic fools who make you feel like shit because they are studying much harder than you, so i couldn't go there... damn communists.
I hit up Saxby's to write my paper. If you don't rep the blue and gray, picture a typical coffee shop. Quite hipster of me, i know. Though i didn't completely give into the pandemic. I wasn't sporting slightly scruffy facial hair, and I spent my time listening to artists people have ACTUALLY heard of....Ke$ha rules everything around me.
I made a vow to myself that i wouldn't leave until i finished my paper. I'm usually pretty stubborn when it comes to making obnoxious commitments like that--I once sat on the floor of my dorm last year for about 2 hours straight to prove a point about something i don't even remember-- but this time i couldn't keep up my end of the bargain. Though it wasn't enitrely my fault. I had to take a huge shit. And I just couldn't do it in public. Don't mock me, you'd do the exact same thing.
I unloaded at my apartment, and went back to studying. The afternoon was quite uneventful, other than the fact that I ate perhaps the worst falafel every created. It was worse than that sinking feeling you get when that person you really like doesn't come through for you. Honestly, i'd rather permanently feel that than have to eat something as bad as that ever again. That $3 would have been better served if i took a match and lit each bill on fire. At least fire smells good.
In other news, I just found out that theres a band that calls itself snapkracklepop! I'm speechless. but not really, cause i just talked.
After my din-din, I returned to my study den in the cold-hearted unfriendly business school building that seems to hate learning because the doors are always locked. I just finished my paper and I was in that kind of transitory period where i needed to feel productive but didn't feel like studying, so i wrote a blog post....
Mistake. Huge mistake. The post was the most contrived, unfunny bullshit i have ever written. It was so bad I deleted it. Usually, I'll just let it slide like the goo goo dolls. But the post was such a disgrace it actually got me upset. I was slightly depressed. And worst of all, I did it in bad taste. I included a pick of my homie, and i probs shouldnt've. I guess it was the heat of the moment, I don't know. But it got me like slightly depressed.
I'm not a depressed person by nature, even though some of my posts seem to be on the "aaaahhh my life is so complicated" side of things. Truth is, its not. In the long run, I've got pretty much everything vertical horizon wants. I've got an awesome sauce family, loyal friends, a top notch education, an intellectual zeal that actually allows me to care about things I get involved in (if only they were my classes), charming looks (kidding), and a jewish background that will automatically make me smarter, funnier, and wealthier than i should be.
The thing is, I couldn't give a shit about the long run. Right now, I just want the moment. I want to dance the night away with the girl I really like at a restraurant with a dingy basement that would ordinarily be a shitty time but it ends up being one the best nights of the year because you are hammered and all you are thinking about is making up ridiculous dance moves with that person, nothing else. No matter what your past was like, or no matter what your future may hold, it's a moment you'll always remember, no matter what else is going on around you. because you connect with each other better than legos. I want that shit forever mine.
I want to watch my sister play badminton. I want to eat french onion soup at a stupid yet eternally memorable diner. I want to take a walk in the pouring rain just because I can. I want to drive around with my friend at one in the morning, get mcdonalds, and talk about how much girls suck. I want to go to copenhagen. I want to throw away these psych books because I really wouldn't give a shit if grades weren't so important in this world. I'm a closet type A, so I have to beat you at everything. And so are you. Lets battle.
I'm in this strange place. Where am I?
I've always been a seeker. But then again, the snitch is pretty hard to find. Maybe I should stop going crazy looking for it. At least for a little bit.
Maybe I should just stop trying to find the moment, and let it find me.
song of the day:
I don't want to wait: Paula Cole