Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Confessions, part 19

I want to let go. Of everything.

Well, thats false. For instance, I need my cellphone so I can neurotically obsess between text messages when talking to.....oh, you know where i'm going with this so I won't even bother.  

But seriously, I'm in mid-dive. I'm doing this "I'm so happy I found what I want to be doing with my life" thing, but somethings missing. 

I'm self absorbed. Really. I've realized that I've become so invested in my creative projects, I let it consume me.

Wow, that sounded way more arsty than it needed to be. Be right back, I'm gonna go angle my hair. 

I need to find a balance. I know that. The thing is, i'm perfectly happy. I'm happy that I've bombarded myself with a million and one things to do at all times of the day. It makes me feel good. Gayness aside, it gets me high.

I know i'm going to be someone in this world. I know I'm gonna do something crazy that is much, much, more than a keg stand. How do I know this?

I just do. 

I'm going to go home this summer, celebrate profusely that I don't have to waste time taking classes that don't matter for anything because the material is uninteresting and its only based upon whether you could do better than the guy next to you so that you could look good on paper for some firm that looks good on paper so you could make a paper trail with a lot of paper, and play softball. Its gonna be like the grand childhood farewell tour. 

Peace, I'm off to make a difference in the world.

I'm gonna get paper, but I'm gonna get it my way. I'll write a book. People will like it. And I don't even need the Mens Warehouse guy, i'm that confident. 

Yes, this is cocky of me. Too cocky. Part of me hopes you just say "wow this kid is a self absorbed fuck. I'm gonna stop reading his blog." Say that, please. Then I could get back to reality, oh there goes gravity. 

I'm too caught up in ambition. I validate it because a lot of this year was a walking, talking, one tree hill episode. I guess its a way of shunning myself off from reality

 Anyway, I figure I might as well start with loving myself. I'm not sure if thats just fucked up or really really awesome. I'm guessing its somewhere in between. 

I feel like I shouldn't even writing this right now. Like, I should keep it in a personal journal or something. One of my really good friends does that. Apparently, it works. 

But then I realized something. As much as I'm here for myself, I'm also here for you. I'm here to make a difference. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be writing at all. 

The other day, I walked up to the counter at a coffee shop. I ordered some overly caffenated shit so that I could drive myself up the wall doing trying to perfect the "GPA GPA GPA GPA GPA" dance.

Anyway, the dude at the counter is suddenly all like, "Hey your Lance, right?"

Fuck yea i'm him. I didn't say that, but I pretty much did. 

"You're the kid with the blog, right? You're good."

Needless to say, it felt good to be a gangsta. 

Anyway, the point of that wasn't to prove that i'm a fucking good writer or something. The point of that was to say that if you feel affection towards this project, I'm sure as hell going to do my best to make sure this project is going to return the favor. Affectionate reciprocity. 

Bascially, I want to be completely honest with you. Yea, you. You invest time reading this shit, so I'm not going to lie to you. I'm gonna give you all I got. 

I could hide away my writingish thoughts in some anonymous basin, but that would compromise my integrity. It would be an act of cowardice. Then, my product would be warped. It would be fake. And if theres anything in this world that sucks more than Jamarcus Russell, its just that. 

Whether it be writing, dealing with a relationship, sports team, parents, or aliens, make sure to never back away. I could say that the only person you are cheating is yourself, but thats just not true. You are cheating your audience. And if you don't respect your audience, they'll stop following you. And if that happens, whose going to read your tweets?

Never lip sync. If you do, you deserve to get booed off stage

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